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Thursday, August 1, 2013

More Adventures of a Desperate(ly Bored) Housewife


It's not as though I planned on going out.

Aside from me still trying to live down that whole talk-show fiasco, my road was all set to close up for the day, it being our Grand Prix race week an' all.  Actually I felt pretty grateful everything was on lock down, 'cos it's the safest I'd felt in weeks.  

Like you know, these poor frayed nerves of mine sorely needed the rest, I swear I had every intention of simply writing the day off under my duvet. 

I hadn't banked on our psycho Postie.

This guy seriously needs his parole revoked, Chief Minister's brother or not.  I'll bet none of his co-worker's get away with this breaking and entering lark of his.  Grant you he's certainly gifted, there's not many who can fold themselves through my catflap. 

He boasts he's never returned an undelivered parcel  yet.

If I wake to the doorbell, I have less than thirty seconds to cover my arse before his boot hits the stair. 

"Oh hullo, Mrs. Shrinkie, and what a fetching robe it is that you're wearing today,"  Whispering, "..though if you don't mind me saying, those legs of yours might use a little attention?"

It's just as well my face doesn't work first thing.

"And here I've come with your mail."

"What the f - what time is it?"

"Oh, early.  Six.  I thought it best to make the rounds before the roads seal off.  Can you sign for this package for Mrs. Dishthedirt?  I don't like to be waking her." 

Adding fresh insult to injury, he now needs to use my loo.  By the time he's done apologising for the smell, and for the broken brush down the blocked S-bend, I find I'm surprisingly wide, wide awake, and rapidly developing facial tics.

Sooooooo, being as how I'm now up and about, it dawns on me I have a few safe hours left before the roads are due to close, and as precious few people are likely to be out and around at this God-forsaken early hour, I reckon a wee drive down to the ferry port can't do much harm..  Like I say, it's sure been a while since I last dared push my head out the door, .  The daily mainland newspapers get shipped over at sunrise, and I want to know if my name is still being trashed about over there.

Swapping my robe over for a coat, I stick a hat over my haystack, and nonchalantly picking at the crusted sleep matter from the corner of one eye, I discard my fluffy slippers in favour of the mock tiger-skin pumps which Bec's conveniently lost by the door (Yeah, for a skinny shrimp, she sure does have big feet).

As I arrive, the news-vendor guy is still bent over cutting the string from the  paper-bales.

"Jesus, God and The Holy Virgin Mary, is that yours or the dog's legs you've come in on?"

What is this fixation with my personal grooming, today? 

Hiding my exposed shins against the counter, I grab the first three available tabloids to hand, and thrust a five pound note out to the insensitive bastard.

 "And maybe I can interest you in purchasing a disposable razor, too?"

I ignore the ignoramus and stick my hand out for my change, as a second person saunters into the store.  As I casually glance over, I'm telling ya' folks, my heart near explodes right up through my throat, so it does.  All I can say is it's a darn good job I hold possession  over a very healthy bladder, that's for sure.

You'll never guess who's standing there before us?  None but the very Dictator, yes, that sad, sorry skid mark on the knickers of society, it's only he himself, isn't it?  The contemptible and thieving, murderous and evil Colonel sodding Gadaffi, that's all!

WELL.
(That's my outraged voice, by the way.)

THE BLOOMIN' CHEEK OF THE SMELLY GIT, EH?
(That's still in my outraged voice.)

He doesn't look near as nice close-up, y'know.  AND he stinks. You think he might have at least availed himself of a shower on the crossing, well assuming he blew in with the ferry, that is.

I can barely lift my jaw off the floor. 

I watch as up he strides to the counter, bold as brass, dragging his wheelie-case behind,  "Morning. Half an ounce of Golden Virginia tobacco, and a box of matches, please."

Now, I don't know about you, but I can't have any of that, can I?  I mean, this guy's a nasty war criminal.  

"Hey,"  I says to the Mr. Vendor-Man, "You can put that right back up on the shelf again - can't you see who this is?"

So he stares at me like an idjit.

Pointing accusingly, "Look, it's him,  that Gadaffi bloke, innit?"

"Huh?"

I'd expect better from someone so tediously observant as he is in the hairy leg department..      

"Gadaffi!" shouts I, stabbing my pointy finger at the upheld front page photo in "The Sun", as I all but ram it (the paper, not my finger, that is) up his fat, spotty nose. "Him!"
 
 "Where?" asks Gadaffi, craftily swivelling his head to gawp out the window, all innocent-like.


"Don't you give me that, I'm on to you, Sonny Boy."


"No, I not Sonny boy, what you talk about?"

Seeing he's getting a bit agitated, I urge our idjit Mr. Vendor-Guy to get a move on, and to call the police, pronto, but (eyes-skywards) does he listen?  Where's the Cavalry when you need it, eh? 


Gadaffi edges for the door, but, ha, no way am I about to let him escape.

Spread-eaglling (yes, I think you'll find it is a word) myself upright against the door frame, I yell at Mr. Vendor-Man, the useless head-the-ball, frozen-in-the-headlights, worst-person-ever-to-have-with-you-in-a-tight-corner, to grow a spine and to flippin'-well help me, but it's only when I snatch up his Stanley Knife still lying atop the stack of paper's by the door, that he finally, glory hallelujah, reaches for the phone.

Well, that's what I'm assuming he's doing, since he's gone and buggered away off out the back.

Gadaffi throws his hands wide, "Puleese, lady, calm down, I no Gadaffi, I nice man - "  He smiles, "See?  I only come here to visit brother.."

"Oh for f***k's sake, don't tell me we've we got him over here, n'all..?"

                       __________________________



Anyways friends, the police did eventually turn up, but instead of arresting Gadaffi, can you believe it was actually ME they had the affront to slap in hand cuff's?  I know, I know, talk about ingratitude, eh?  Proper offended I was.  These days, it's little wonder normal folk like us shy leery of ever getting involved, isn't it?

Fortunately, whilst attempting my citizen's arrest, I'd accidentally kicked the s**t out of Gadaffi, well, it was only to subdue him, of course, but the wimp somehow fainted (and no, he was not in a coma when they trundled him away in the ambulance, that's a pure, scurrilous lie, so it is).  

But, um, yes, it is true he did need to have a stay in Nobles hospital for a wee bit.  Which is actually just as well, isn't it?

At least the truth came out, since there's no denying finger-prints, eh?  Hmph.   Told you so!  And PROPER apologetic everyone suddenly finds themselves, don't they?

So I'm not charged with causing an affray, or of inflicting any grievous bodily harm now, am I?  Oh no, not at all, it appears the whole wide world and it's Uncle is now besotted with both me and my hairy legs.  

Um, yeah, 'twas kinda' unfortunate me meeting that storm of paparazzi so fresh from my release like that, most unflattering.  Like I say, I never dressed for going out that morning, for sure I would have been certain to have at least run a comb through my hair (on my head) had I even the slightest inkling of all the fuss I'd walk into.


But.

Still, it all came out well in the end, eh?  The press have happily moved on from that recent regrettable incident, the one involving Sharon Banks and me, and the postie hasn't even delivered any more hate mail to my door in weeks.  Apparently I'm a hero now.

I'm in line for a medal, too.  Yeah, I'm off to Buckingham Palace next week.  Libya has invited me over as well, but I'm gonna' wait until their hotels are a bit more comfy, first.   

'Course, the reward money has come in handy, I've even managed to settle that civil suit Sharon's mum brought against me.

So then, doesn't that just go to show, eh?  However bleak and dismal life is, you simply and truly never really know what the dawn of a fresh tomorrow will bring..

Hey, hang on, is that David Cameron's dulcet tones on my answer-phone?

88 comments:

TexWisGirl said...

oh, you were on a roll with this one, dearie! :)

Ms. A said...

You should have posted a spew alert, warning me not to drink coffee while reading!

lisleman said...

"postie" (translated mailman) comes inside your home? It does create an interesting scene.
Now Gadaffi would probably like your legs that way.
good stuff.

foam said...

Oh my word!!
I can't believe I've missed so many of your posts. And I'll have to be back to read this one. Gots to go play taxi service to young 'uns ....

foam said...

Hope y'all are well though ..

mrsnesbitt said...

Phew!


Bloody hell!

ellen abbott said...

funny.

Kittie Howard said...

Thanks for some good laughs, Shrinky! Your dialouge is a treasure - really good stuff!

Can't believe a year has passed - I remember the video you posted during the last race - and the corner near where you live on that gorgeous island! Hope no one takes a spill!

mythopolis said...

You missed your calling....you should have been writing for Monty Python. Skid mark on the knickers of society? I don't know if I can ever forget that line. I plan to use it at the next party I go to. And if asked where I came up with that, I'll say, "Well, there's this gal I know with legs in faux tiger pumps, with some kinda fascinator on her haystack....never mind, forget it."

Free Lybya!!!

X. Dell said...

(1) I hate to interrupt your call from 10 Downing, but I thought I'd comment on this post.

(2) Your psycho posties are downright gentlemen compared to ours. In the US, the psycho posties are heavily armed, and they come in and shoot up the place.

Then again, he did bomb you. So I guess that's kinda like the same thing.

(3) I've learned something very valueable today. Gaddafi, it would seem, shaves his legs. If he didn't, the news vendor would have noticed him.

(4) I know you've been through an ordeal, and I sympathize. But look on the bright side. At least you remembered to cover your arse. With all the things the papparazzi had to say about your legs, who knows what they would have said about that? And if the news vendor still tried to sell you a razor, that would have added insult to injury.

(5) If the previous comment offends you, I apologize. Don't read it.

TechnoBabe said...

What an imagination for a bored housewife. Ha. This was great reading. I laughed all the way through and now I have to go shave my legs even if they don't look as shapely and lovely as yours.

wishihadakarmaanghia said...

hahaha! love it! That made me laugh nearly as much as your story of the lady whose flowers you stole....! xxx

Akelamalu said...

Have you been smoking some illegal substance? LOL

Shrinky said...

Hi TexWisGirl, ah, it's amazing how one's mind wanders when you're under enforced lockdown (wink)!

Shrinky said...

Och well, Ms. A, least it wasn't wine you wasted, eh (grin)?

Shrinky said...

Lisleman, 'twas only because I'd sunk into a little depression I'd allowed the growth to form there on my shins, they're all nicley smooth and sparkly now (honest Guv')!

Shrinky said...

Hi there Foam, oh Lord, I sure remember those days, too. Thanks for stopping by hon, hope everyone got to where they went to?

Shrinky said...

I know Denise, who says island life is ever dull, eh?

Shrinky said...

Thanks Ellen, tho' it sure wasn't at the time..

Shrinky said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa, no Kittie, did I neglect to mention we have more than one two-weekly road closure over here, each year? Thankfully, it was only three riders that met their end on this one (I do not jest).

Shrinky said...

Hey Dan, I was thinking you didn't love me anymore, you being gone for so long as you were - it's such a relief to see you back in here again (doing a little celebratory jig)! Tho' I'd kinda' appreceiate if you bypassed my haystack image as you talk of me to strangers, since'tis s'not one of my finest of moments, yeah?

MarkD60 said...

This post reads like one of my weird dreams!

Scott from Oregon said...

My hero!!

lisleman said...

I enjoy this so much that I submitted your link in Saturday Sampling at Mrs. 4444's blog.
http://www.halfpastkissintime.com/2011/09/saturday-sampling-september-3rd-2011.html
I did shorten and change the title a little - hope you don't mind.

mythopolis said...

Shrink girl: I am soooo SORRY...I have a link to you that supposedly updates me when you post, but obviously it is not working! I just surfed through your last several posts and realized I'd not read any of that. I didn't even know you were writing, or otherwise I would have been leaving my usual smart ass comments. I will backtrack and catch up on these missed posts in the morning over coffee. Write me some time if I appear to be 'missing in action'. mythoid@gmail.com hugs....d

oceangirl said...

this had me smiling all the way. thank you lisleman.

~Babs said...

Books.
I'm saying books.
Write 'em!
If you're not,
you should be ashamed wasting your talents, Missy!


Crackin' me up,,,,,all the way through this wacky story, just the way I like it. Uh-huh uh-huh!

Emily Cullen said...

Came over via Saturday sampling and do glad I did! Your blog is one of the most unique things and genres that I have ever read, of course maybe I don't get out much!

Shrinky said...

Hi X-Dell,

1. David Cameron NEVER takes the trouble to comment on my blog, therefore I have absolutely no qualms in cutting him short to talk with you.

2. I am sending my Postie on a busman's holiday to the States, he obviously needs to up his game.

3. Gadaffi takes oestragen pills, they fell out of his pocket. (Maybe I should purloin them?)

4. You've no idea how much practise down the years I've had in covering my arse, which is probably just as well. The Pap's did once snap it, but that belongs in a whole 'nother post.

5. As a sensitive soul, I've heeded your advice.
4.

Shrinky said...

Hey there TechnoBabe, awww, now you've gone and made me toes up curl in delight, thank you for that, bonny lass!

Shrinky said...

Oh Kristina, if only my mugging that poors woman of her flowers was merely a figment of my imagination (shudder), I STILL wake up in cold sweats now and then..!

Shrinky said...

Hi Ake, um, maybe from three decades ago.. (blush). Flashbacks, eh?

Shrinky said...

Hi MarkD60, oh, you too, huh? (Grin)

Shrinky said...

Cheers, Scott (taking a curtesy)!

Shrinky said...

lisleman, MIND??? I am thrilled to pieces, please consider yourself well and truly hugged, my friend, thank you sooo much! (x)

Shrinky said...

Oh Dan, thanks so much for explaining what happened, because my last couple of posts haven't had many visits from any of my regular readers at all! In truth, I've felt kinda' disheartend, wondering why, questioning what I'd done to suddenly upset everyone. I am SOOOO relieved to learn it's only from a technical glitch (whew).. xx

Shrinky said...

Hey there ocean girl, yes, thank you Lisleman, indeed, I am so pleased to find you in here - thanks for stopping by!

Shrinky said...

Aw, shucks Babs, stop turning me ears pink (giggle).. you have no idea how much you've made my day with this, I'm floating on air now (huggles)!

Shrinky said...

Hi there Emily, eeeeee, I think I'm gonna' LIKE you.. (laughing), I always love those with a warped sense of humour. So glad to make your acquaintance, I hope to know you better!

Furtheron said...

never stops in your little world does it?

Jayne said...

I've never even met my postie!
So funny, and playful Shrinky--enjoyed this one. I'd love to sit around the campfire with you. The stories...! ;)

secret agent woman said...

Bwahahaha!

Grayquill said...

First i had to wonder, did all this happen before your toes hit the floor? Were those eyelids fluttering with dreams of grandeur? But, I am kinda shocked that a grandiose type dream would include legs in need of grooming.
Good post – The visuals were hilarious and I am so glad your creativity has not been stifled by your tabloid news. :-)

Leslie: said...

I just have to come over to the Isle for some laughs! I'll bring extra Depends!!

Rock Chef said...

Somehow every single news channel seems to have missed this! I think I should call Sky News, BBC24, Al Jazeera, Russia Today...

Rock Chef said...

You know you paint yourself as a very unglamouous herione. Your next adventure should be much more "Emma Peel", don't you think?

Shrinky said...

I'm telling ya', Furtheron, this little isle sure sees a lot of action, for such a small, wee place!

Shrinky said...

I think I'd rather hear yours, Jayne, you have a true gift of making a story come alive!

Shrinky said...

Indeed, Secret Agent.

Shrinky said...

Hi Grayquill, oh 'tis amazing what you can dream up out of boredom..!

Shrinky said...

Leslie, that would be great, I don't suppose could you fetch me back a new loo brush too, whilst you're at it?

Shrinky said...

I know, Rock Chef, the gutter press are a lazy bunch of swine, I virtually have to even write their columns for them..

Hmn, that's good thinking, btw - if I dig out my tight black leather's, even me shin's will be covered!

Brian Miller said...

haha...you are quite the superhero...i will politely not mention the fur pants....too funny

Strumpet said...

A boa does wonders for hairy legs.

Rachelle said...

tee-hee-hee girl you tickle my funny bone! ;)

Got the 'first draft' of my recovery up and posted, whew!

Lolz.... facebook scares you? Pshaw says I! You'll have em rolling in the aisles before they can catch their breath!

Rachelle said...

BTW, you were right, sadly missing some familiar faces these days...

Rachelle said...

At the risk of exceeding the 'comment quota' for the day, I just had to send you a hug ((hug))

I spent the whole afternoon with Carol, catching up.
If you think I've forgotten the book, you are sorely mistaken my friend!

Shrinky said...

Hi Brian, I had a lot of fun in writing this one, I'm glad it seems to have gone down alright with everyone, I did hesitate as to how it might be received (grin).

Shrinky said...

Hey Strumpet, now why didn't I think of that?? Thanks for popping by!

Shrinky said...

Aww, hi there Rachelle, hugs back to you too, hon. Nahhh, FaceBook is DEF not for me, it's all I can do to keep up with this blog!

You been rummaging through my attics (grin)? Poor Wee Karen is sadly neglected, I'm afraid I simply found her story to depressing a write, I might go back to her, but don't hold your breath!

Yeah, a lot has changed over here, in your absence - too many of the old crowd have gone (pout), but there are also a lot of terrific folk here worth the knowing of, you'll soon see.

altadenahiker said...

Oh, if only Condoleezza Rice hadn't gotten to him first.

Shrinky said...

Oh HER, hmph, surely you know not to believe any word she says? (Wink)

mythopolis said...

I agree with Rock Chef...there is some kinda Emma Peel inside of you wantin' to get out....

Shrinky said...

She is a heroine of mine, it has to be said, Dan. I um, even dressed up as her once.. but (blush) that would take a whole 'nother post!

Suldog said...

The world owes you a big wet kiss, love, and I'm here to see that I hold up my end of the bargain.

*SHMOOCH*

Kate said...

I'm feeling safer because of you and your beautifully furry legs. Keep it up...there might be a super-hero movie in your future!

Chantel said...

I love your legs, have I told you that lately? And I desperately missed your brain.

Shrinky said...

Oh Jim, I had no idea of all the perks this day would bring, you can polish my medal, any day (swoon)!

Shrinky said...

Ha, Kate, it's funny you should mention that.. watch this space!

Shrinky said...

Chantel, dahhhhhhhhrling, is it really you?? Where have you been hiding yourself, girl? I've missed your bonny face, ooooooooooh, I'm so glad to see you hon, welcome back. xx

Skunkfeathers said...

Bloody mah-velous ;-)

Pearl said...

:-) You are just too much fun.

The English, when she is goodly spoken, is a velvety wash for the brain.

I feel so fresh and clean now. :-)

Pearl

p.s. I do love how you write.

Shrinky said...

Oh Pearl, you sure do know how to make this place in here fun, coming from one as talanted as yourself, I'm chuffed to pieces to read such a compliment - thank you, it means a lot!

jabblog said...

Hilarious! and I believed every word of it, so I did!

chewy said...

Oh Lord... I finally figured out what the duck Gadaffi picture is... Daffy Duck... Daffy Gadaffi! ha-ha-hahaha-ha-ha-hahaha-hahahahahahahahaha

Grandma's scrapbook said...

Good morning! How are you? Here's how promising the first yellow leaves of autumn fell in front of your eyes and let these my words. So as promised at the beginning of summer. So i have done. I returned again with good old friends. You like to read because of the allure of your system when it posts. We see here again more frequently than before. I wish you all the best and enjoyable weekend!

Shrinky said...

Hey Jabblog, welcome aboard, thanks for stopping in here - 'speshally as (unlike some others), you know not to question the validity that every single word I print is always ABSOLUTELY true..!

Shrinky said...

Give that Chewy a coconut - Col. GaDAFFY, it is (snicker)..!

Shrinky said...

Hi Grandma's Scrapbook, it's always nice of you to visit, even tho' you never appear to read any of my posts, I s'pose it's the thought that counts.

Shammickite said...

Grandma's Scrapbook is somethin' else isn't he/she/it?
I think Mr Gahdaffi should schedule a consultation with Dr Phil, don't you.

Shrinky said...

Now there's a thought, Shammickite, I'm sure it's all down to his childhood, y'know.

Oh GS is sweet enough, I'm just a bit puzzled as to what he gets out of visiting, since he can't be annoyed to read what's up (shrug)..

Barbara Shallue said...

I hope you're collecting these adventures with an eye to publication - they're great!

Shrinky said...

Aw Barbara, flattery will get you everywhere (grin), thank you for that, but you are too kind, I very much doubt these silly rambles would amount to anything outside of blogland!

Margaret Benbow said...

Shrinky Babealicious, I love your housewife and her balls of steel! SHE brought evil Moammar down when squads of commandos and SWATs failed. I hope she's using the reward money at some luxurious spa where she's being fed champagne cocktails and stroked with warm smooth river stones (but NOT getting her legs waxed---a little womanly hair on the limbs is just fine!)

Chef Green said...

Just hilarious! Thanks for saving the world and all!

Pat Tillett said...

Very funny! You sure do have an active and vivid imagination. Love it!

silly rabbit said...

What a trip! Ha. I kept waiting for you to tell us that then you woke with the postman banging on the door.
Great fantasy Shrinky!

Parabolic Muse said...

Holy Crap!! I hate it when they give unsolicited editorial on our hygiene!!

This is fantastic.