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Sunday, April 22, 2012

The Case of the Stolen Governor


I love this photo,  I just happened to have my camera to hand as he exited the police station.  Er, before proceeding, think I'd best pop up a little disclaimer:  This here following story is purely fictional, and in no way at all expresses the thoughts, feelings  or acts of the above-photographed gentleman.
  (So far as I know.)


P.C. Stuart laments not for the first time, having not listened to his dear old, long-departed ma’s sound advice.  She always knew he would be a fuck up in uniform.  Here she was probably watching him right now, a knowing glint in her eye.

This sleepy wee isle seemed a good enough escape at the time, where nothing other than the annual T.T. motorbike races shatters the peace.  With his early ambitions at the London Met soon fast quelled, he'd been relieved to find, at least over here the junkie population is still in the minority, and the odd encounter with any knife-wielding maniac rarely, if ever, turns out gang-affiliated.  

Looking a regular knob-head in the pointy white helmet appeared but a small price to pay.  Or so he'd thought.


But four years on, now a couple of missed promotions down the line, and with him over three full stones the wider, he was seriously beginning to question he'd met his true calling.

In fairness, there's a limit as to how many days one poor, put-upon  Copper can reasonably be expected to lecture to a class-load of plukie teenagers on the evils of drink. 

It's a far sure cry from CSI. 

What's the odds of catching any undercover work, in a place where everybody not only knows you, but even knows the name of your bloody dog you're out walking with every night? 

Little wonder if he's taken to comfort eating.

Checking his watch, he's mollified to find time enough for his regular morning detour (to help lift his volatile blood-sugar) to the corner bakery.  Mrs. Quirke spotting him enter, and ever the tease, flashes her tray of still steaming, juicy meat pies up at him.

"Now that's timing to perfection, Willie, just fresh from my oven, these are."

Give Old Widow Quirke a full set of new dentures, and P.C. Stuart reflects he might even get down on one knee to her, yet.  He asks her to bag up two, ordering a large iced donut to go.  Digging deep for the change in his pocket, the radio on his shoulder interrupts with a screech of static.

It's his Sargent, calling him in back to base.  Bugger, what now? Scoffing the donut, he settles the tab, and unwrapping a pie for the road, scuttles back the way he came, wondering what must be so urgent as to cancel out his 10 o'clock talk with the finest of  St. Ninian's.

Sargent Sergent (yes, that really is his name) greets him at the desk, directing him through to a freshly commandeered rear room, where he finds there is a surprisingly full house.  Stuart swallows the last of pie number two, wipes the gravy from his lips, and sidles in, hopeful to catch the low-down on the latest afoot from the Luscious Lucy, aka WPC Robinson, before the Inspector's arrival.

"You not heard?  Seems the Governor's only gone and gotten himself kidnapped, hasn't he?"

"What?  No.  Who in the hell would want to go and kidnap Inspector Saunders?  I mean, what's the point to that?  It's not like he's worth anything, even money-wise, like - is he?"

"Jesus, you o.d. on the stupid syrup this morning?  Not Saunders, The Lieutenant Governor of The Isle of Man, you Numpty, Adam "Retired-Diplomat" Woolly, that's who."

"Nooooooo..?  Oh my.  That's a bit bad, isn't it?  Didn't he have bodyguards or somebody, to look out for him?  I'd've thought he would've had, wouldn't you?"

Luscious Lucy shoots him the slanty-eyed dagger, "Probably serves 'em right, for not having put you in charge there then, eh?"

As Inspector Saunders takes to the floor,  Stuart feels the faint stirrings of his partially-digested mutton begin to repeat.  

I have a feeling PC Stuart's luck is maybe about to look up, don't you?  I'll see how it goes - I'm starting to warm to the incompetent, big galoot, but, yeah, don't hold your breath - you know how easily distracted I get.  (Hope him up there, and his dear old ma never gets to see this, lest I land myself in some trouble.  I don't want my next post be to in aid of a whip-round, to scare up my bail money.)

51 comments:

Anthony said...

Great photo and story.

Ms. A said...

Poor Tubby. Looks like he might get to work off some of that belly, if you decide to keep him going!

~Babs said...

UH-OH.
Is that,,,could that be,,,Detective Sergeant Logan McRae
slipping in un-noticed?
I mean, seeing how it went with Isobel and all, I think he's giving Lucy the eye.
He might possibly be able to help with the Governor too.
Maybe.

Grin,,,eager to see where this goes, Shrink!

MarkD60 said...

Oh please. You're really going to make us wait till tomorrow for the rest...
I wonder if Sargeant Sergent is related to Major Major in Catch 22?
Since you've put the disclaimer at the beginning, I know that everything ELSE you'vE ever written is completely true and non-fictional.
I like the way the English make a statement into a question, "'Course the Governors gone missing, hasn't he?" Like everybody knows that!
I'm ready for another of your audio (video) posts too BTW.

Leslie: said...

Great start...reminds me a bit of Harry Hole in the Jo Nesbo series about a Norwegian detective. Keep on keeping on....

mythopolis said...

Well, I can't tell where this is going for sure. It has a certain humor though that reminds me of Mayberry where Sheriff Andy and his deputy Barney dealt with one kind of calamity after another. Don't leave us hangin'!!

Along These Lines ..... said...

No one really kidnaps governors. Who would pay a randsom?

Waiting for part II,

Secret Agent Woman said...

That's a fabulous shot. And interesting story with it.

Vince said...

A good story.

Re. the Governor, what exactly is his position. What exactly is the status of the IoM. It's not like Hong Kong, a crown colony where Patton was the last Governor. Nor is it a Colony like say the Caymans. And it's very different to the Channel Islands, where ER2 is Ruler by dint of Jersey, Sark&co being the last bit of Normandy. Is it a Lordship ?.
Did you frighten the bejapers out of the kids with rumors about the IoM returning to birching. It was seeing that fellow that I was reminded of that little fact of social control.

Vince said...

SoKay, I went a wikieing. Seems a Lordship but vested in the Crown.

bill lisleman said...

What's a "whip-round"? Sorry to interrupt.
After I throw you this suggestion please let me know if you prefer that I just keep them to myself.
I suggest you have Stuart bite into the Governor's finger (found in some food item) and thus comes up with the clue needed to solve the case.
Thanks I'll now go back to searching the ends of the internet for a better bagel.

Dave said...

Well done again Carol. I am interested to find out what happens here now... - Dave

Shrinky said...

Thanks Anthony.

Shrinky said...

Yeah, Ms A, I think underneath all that flab, a true hunk might be lurking..

Shrinky said...

Haaaaaaaa, oh Bab's maybe I've been reading far too much of MacBride, as of late? Willie is far too inept to pass for Logan, though.. poor lad. Truth is, I felt that photo I've been sitting on for so long, was simply begging to have a story wrapped around it..?

Shrinky said...

Hiya Mark, oh drat, and there was me hoping Sargent Sergent was actually something original (pout)- would you believe I've never got around to reading Catch 22, or seen the movie? Ah well. Tomorrow?? Ha, dream on, next week, if ever that is (laughing)- attention span of gnat, that's me!

I'm not keen on those video posts of mine, I feel a bit exposed, and someone else takes over my voice!! And OF COURSE everything else I post is nothing but the Gospel truth - how on earth coukld you doubt it (fingers x'd behind my back)..?

Shrinky said...

Hi there Leslie, aw, cheers for that - I must look up this Jo Nesbo, I've never heard of him!

Shrinky said...

Hi Dan, is Mayberry an American television series? Don't think we get it over here..?

Shrinky said...

Darn, you do have a good point there, Along these Lines..

Shrinky said...

Cheers, Secret Agent, I'm glad you like it - the shot never fails to tickle me whenever I look at it.

Shrinky said...

Hi Vince, yeah, I was pretty puzzled about the standing of this place, too, when we moved here. The Governor mainly just seems to open events and ceremonies, or to give out the odd prize or medal on behalf of the government - he's a pleasant enough lad (opened the Beer Festival for us, pulling the first pint), but many do question his role, the mansion, chauffeur-driven car, all at tax payer expense.

Do you know the Queen is addressed as "The Lord of Man" over here?

Shrinky said...

Hiya Bill, no, my friend, you carry on tossing in your questions and suggestions, I love it you get involved like that, makes me smile! A whip-round? Blimey, it never crossed my mind you guys wouldn't know that term, it's like "passing a hat round", getting up a collection of money from friends or collegues, on behalf of someone. I'm surprised no one asked me what a "plukie" youth is - "pluke" is a slang term for a zit/spot (wink). I'll take your suggestion to that twist in the plot on board, and give it some thought!

Shrinky said...

That's great to hear, Dave, glad you stopped by.

Chantel said...

Ahhhh, you do so enthrall, my dear. Carry on!

mythopolis said...

Andy Griffith and Don Knotts had a long-running sit-com here in the 60's and 70's. They still show late-night re-runs Sometimes the show was called Mayberry RFD and sometimes, the Andy Griffith show. One of my fav shows!!

Kate said...

This photo and your explanation...top notch! I'm still thinking about the mutton pie. Shades of Sweeney Todd!

Shrinky said...

It delights me you like my silly piece of nonsense here, Chantel (grin).

Shrinky said...

Ah, thanks for that Dan, now I know I must go Google it, to see what I can find!

Shrinky said...

Haha, Kate, you wicked girl, the thought had never crossed my mind.. up 'til now (wink).

Bone said...

At first, I was thinking this was going to be The Village People: Where Are They Now.

Well, you've held my interest, for what it's worth :o) Now, I think I must skip down to the all-inclusive tour. As it appears I'm very late, and I'm guessing the group has left without me. Wouldn't be the first time.

Vince said...

I hadn't known she was the 'lord' til last evening.

Skunkfeathers said...

Mutton pie? I was leaning toward excessive donuts ;-)

mythopolis said...

Youtube has lots of Andy Griffith material...I like it because it reminds me of living here in Pottsville. People here are so amusing but endearing. In Mayberry, the mayor was out on the town talking to his constituents on a street corner. So Barney arrested him for loitering. It's that kind of small town ridiculousness. : )

X. Dell said...

I'm glad you're using ficticious names for the people involved. Otherwise, I'd pray that your government and cops had a sense of humor.

BTW, good character study.

Barbara said...

Oh, good hook. I like him, too! And what a great photo! I wonder... what came first, the photo or the story?

Rock Chef said...

Flirtatious women in bakeries - I know the type...

Great story - keep it coming!

Shrinky said...

Ha, better scoot, Bone, yup, I do believe you may have missed the boat there..

Shrinky said...

It's all a bit archaic, Vince - still, I don't mind the odd visit, I hear Charlie and his Missus are due over on Thursday, not that I'll be there, but it gives the school kids a bit of a thrill. I have more time for Anne - she's a hard worker, and has done much good for the carer charities she patrons.

Shrinky said...

Dan, I've just gone in and watched a couple of clips, and it put me in mind of another show I used to watch as a kid - darned if I can recall the name now - something like, "The Hillbillies". It was more of a comedy, with several generations living under the one roof, with all the madcap adventures and scrapes they got into. Gawwwd, I haven't thought of that show in decades!

Shrinky said...

Ooooh, Kate, now there's a thought.. (cue spooky music)!

Shrinky said...

Cheers X-Dell, I think I might have to big-up the heroic police-work of the Manx force, in mitagation towards any future prosecution.

Shrinky said...

I'm guessing it's their irresistable aroma of eu-de-pie, that gets you every time, RC?

Shrinky said...

Oh Barbara, it all started at the picture, it's just begging out for a tale, isn't it?

Suldog said...

Please do continue. The character you've invented is delightful, and I'm sure it would be a great romp to hear about him solving the crime.

Shrinky said...

Aw, thanks Jim. I think I might give him a polish and see where he takes me, but I won't post more of him up here - I'll probably shift him to my other WIP blog, Nil By Mouth, with the rest of my neglected bits and bobs!

Akelamalu said...

Great story to go with the pic Shrinky and a lot more to come methinks!

Shrinky said...

Hmn, I dunno Pearl, I have a feeling he might be making his next appearance somewhere in my Paige saga.. (grin)

Vince said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Parabolic Muse said...

HAY!

I thougt you weren't blogging any more!

Well, it's nice to see you are!!

C

Shrinky said...

Hiya Chrissie, I haven't even taken a break, never mind left the blog - why ever did you think that?

Pierre BOYER said...

Great picture...
Best regards,

Pierre