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Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Devil Made Me Do It




Oopsie, I can't believe I went and did that, but I'm not sorry, nope, honestly I'm not.  In fact, I'm as excited as an excited clutch of bouncing-off-the-wall, hyperactive kids, who've just been let loose to munch their way through a whole truck load of super-sized Mars Bars, that's how excited I am.  All that and more, so much so, I keep pinching myself.


Eeeee, I do so loves me this on-line shopping lark.  I mean, where on earth would my impulses fly to, if it were not to in there?


Sit me down in front of an infomercial, (it's like an ad turned into a documentary, only maybe slightly less accurate on the factual stuff) and my reality chip automatically ejects.


Well, they make it all look so good, don't they?  And it's not as though I purposefully tune in to watch this guff, they only sneak it in when I'm either bored or tipsy, and my defenses are down. 


Take tonight, for instance.  Hubby has taken Sweet Sam and himself off for their annual four day jaunt to The Skerries, in Ireland, to watch the bike races.  Bec is about, but as the wondrous boyfriend is too, I'm hardly likely to be sharing my sofa with them now, am I? (Apparently, I'm always embarrassing the hell out of her.)  Abby is off spending the night at a friends house, and of course with Matt still on the mainland, it's fallen to just the hound again to keep me company.


Only I'm not talking to him right now, since he swiped my cheese.


So here I am flicking my way through the channels, when what do I trip over, but the THE MOST AMAZING ad to ever grace the telly.  Seriously, pin your ears back, you need to hear about this.  Hmn, in truth, I'm sure 'twould really sound a lot better if you could actually see it for yourself.   Let me do you a wee sketch, maybe that'll help..


So, there's this able man at the ironing board, happily dictating away to his laptop, which is sat there behind him, recording his each and every precious word down for the whole of posterity, without him having to lift so much as a finger to the keyboard.


I know, I know, it's magic, isn't it?


'Course, I know this wouldn't be the case out in the real world, I'm not that naive -  it's common knowledge men can't multi-task for toffee, but still, just THINK of all the advantages I (being female) could put this fine software to use, doing.


It may come as a surprise for me to tell you, but I do have this unfortunate tendency to oft' times ramble on some - now, the frustrating thing for me is, my fingers have been known to lose huge chunks of this verbiage that spills from out of my brain - they being so slow to catch up, that is.  Sadly, a Dictaphone is of little use to me, as my eyes need to see the words up on the screen first, to make any sense of an edit.


The manufacturer claims this program types at least three times faster than any human is capable - can you imagine?  Oh, and it claims to recognize 99% of all it's told, which is far more than my kids ever do.  And don't worry, I checked, they promise my accent won't be a problem. 


And just THINK of all the other stuff I can be getting on with as I'm talking away!  I can be prepping the veggies, driving the car, heck, I can even be lying sunbathing out in the back garden, can't I?  No, I won't be doing the ironing though, since hubby likes to do that, it's the only time he ever gets any peace to watch his sports, so he says.


So of course I had to place an order, how could I not?  And now I'm barely able to contain myself, impatiently counting off the hours for the postie to ring the bell, as I am.


Which is why I can't sleep now, and had to get it all off my chest by telling you fine folks.


I do hope this doesn't end in the self same tears as the "Instant-Eye-Popper" beauty aid I last ordered on-line..

77 comments:

foam said...

Understands 99%? It will be the other one percent that drives you nuts.

Let us know how this works for you.

Skunkfeathers said...

I think that infomercial was made by the scammer I'm currently irritating... ;-)

Ms. A said...

As long as you don't have to correct typos, sounds like a good thing!

Dragon?

Barbara Shallue said...

Keep me posted!! I have a little digital recorder to capture all of those fascinating thoughts in my head, but lo, and behold, I found I had a tough time getting them out of my mouth! And then I had to type them up!

X. Dell said...

(1) I was hoping that you would tell us by the end that you dictated this entire post.

(2) Um, did you ever meet a dog who didn't steel your food?

(3) Lemme know the next time you're in the house, all alone and tipsy. I got tons of things to sell.

(4) FYI, men can actually multitask. We just don't do it when women are around.

Leslie: said...

Forget that! You're leaving your daughter alone with her boyfriend??? Luck with that! lol

betweenthewires said...

ooh I can't wait for your first post using this tech. Underworld lyrics are often formed using such technology and they make no sense whatsoever. That's the beauty of it!!

Fen

Shrinky said...

Nahhhh, foam, a one percent typo will prove a VAST improvement on my present rate, believe me!

Anonymous said...

Skunk - go wash your mouth our with a lump of carbolic soap, right this minute - I'll be having none of that language in here,now..

Shrinky said...

Yes, Ms A, you clever thing, you, how did you guess, has this guy been ironing his stuff on your telly's, too, then?

Shrinky said...

Yeah Barbara, I've tried that once before, too, and all I ended up recording were reminders to myself, and the shopping lists.. I think this is a better idea, or at least I hope so..

Shrinky said...

Hi there X. Dell,

1. Now don't be silly, it's gonna' take me at least six months to get this thing installed and running.

2. Is it my fault they're so sneaky?

3. Oooh, (clapping my hands) you're on!

4. REALLY?? Well, the cheek of it - hmph - that's it, I'm setting up a nanny-cam..

Shrinky said...

Ack Leslie, I'm fed up with stalking them about the house.!

Shrinky said...

So Fen, I can expect no change to my posts, then? (Wink)

Vince said...

Don't the blind have something like this.

Best of luck with it.


And what sort of accent have you anyway that would cause issues. I know places like the Gorbels and Whitby are a bit out there and Grimsby beyond the beyond. But at least they haven't that constipated horse agonizing flatness of that un-holy marriage between West-End and Oxbridge. Which if I'm honest was more or less how I sound meself. There are still vestiges, but thankfully my native Gaelic has leavened it a good deal.

Shrinky said...

I should imagine they would, Vince, most computers also seem to come with a speech option, don't they?

Most folk tend to believe they don't have an accent, it all depends upon the ear it falls upon, I think. This software is manufactured in America, and we all know, cute as it can be, they can't help but to murder the Queens English.

My own speech started out broad "tuchter" Aberdonian, but that soon got teased out of me after aged 8, when we moved to England. We rarely stayed in the same county for more than a year or two at a time, so I learned to be a good mimic, learning to adopt virtually any dialect which happened to be the flavour of the day.

When I went to Australia for a few months, I came back speaking Aussie for a bit (shrug). The Isle of Man is a curious mish-mash, half Liverpudlian, half Irish - and of course there's a great deal of "blow in's" (like me) from London (where I spent most of my adult life). I've settled into feeling comfy with the natural scots burr that comes easy to my tongue, and no longer use my telephone voice outside the house, but it's been worn to a wafer and is barely detectable, I'm told.

Rock Chef said...

When you get it I think you should dictate a post and publish it AS IT IS! We want to see how good it really is. :-)

Shrinky said...

I think you could be on to something there, RC, why not put it to the acid test for all to see? Mind, let me find my way around it first, just to be fair..?

mrsnesbitt said...

Ooooooooooooooh wonder if it will have arrived by 1st June? Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh we just may see it!!!!!!

MarkD60 said...

But put your checkbook away! There's MORE!

Shrinky said...

It had bloomin' well BETTER have arrived by then, Denise, or I'll have probably burst from holding my breath waiting for it to come!

Shrinky said...

Um, well, er.. are you going to put me out of my misery then, Mark, and show me what??

Bijoux said...

This reminds me of the Marvin's Magic Drawing Board my kids begged me to buy years ago. I found one in a store and brought it home. It wasn't so magical and the kids still remember their disappointment to this day!

Shrinky said...

Hope always springs eternal with me, Bijoux, I never learn (shrug).

Tabor said...

Gol, your readers give you LOTS of advice...hope that doesn't make you feel insecure. ;-) Anyway, I absolutely would buy something like this after a few glasses of wine. But now that you get to do the beta test I will be checking your blog more often!

laughingwolf said...

i hear 'dragon' makes decent ones...

i'm back - new look, same old crap

mythopolis said...

Well, the digital revolution has only just begun. If you search BCI or Brain-Computer-Interfacing the things they are already working on are actually a bit scary. For instance, they've created an interface between an E.E.G. and a computer capable of word recognition...they can record what you are thinking!

And get this: The DARPA office of the U.S. Dept. of Defense last year awarded the U of California 4.2 million dollars to explore the embedding of E.E.G. electrodes/sensors in the helmets of combat soldiers with a wireless interface enabling soldiers to communicate telepathically while in combat!
And for you hobbyists out there, you can now find on-line instructions for making your own E.E.G. device and experiment with linking it to your computer.

Rose from Oz is Back! said...

Bwhahahahaha Shrinky, I CANNOT wait for your purchase to arrive and your review on its success!!! Many people would have what I have and have tried it with hilarious and frustrating results (the voice recognition/typing thing on my laptop) and how it interprets my voice and words is almost unbelievable. I won't give any examples on this lovely family-oriented blog ;)

bill lisleman said...

You probably know that the i-phone has the voice recognition Siri app. There has been some funny parodies on youtube trying various nasty words with Siri.
Do you get to name the voice app? Mr. Jeeves would be good.
What happens if after you rant on for awhile it just types bollocks?

Secret Agent Woman said...

Voice recognition is not new, but I'll be curious to see how this one works. Promise us you'll do a post using it??

Kate said...

Voice recognition software can be a dangerous king. Often times it replaces a routine nerd with something mange and it makes you seem all whacked an dee leer us. Food luck, Shrinky. Lettuce no how it goos.

Grayquill said...

Okay! A couple of things - - - Your husband can iron and watch sports at the same time? Excuuuuusssse me but that would fit within the definition of multi-tasking. And, as for myself, while reading your post I scratched my nose, pulled at the corner of my beard and scratched my hiney. As you can see us men can multi-task just fine. So stop spreading bad rumors.
Let me in know if you new toy works. I don't believe that accent thing. You use words when you blog that I have never even heard of before. That makes me think that this tool/machine/program…whatever it is had better have a high IQ than your friend Grayquill…..oh wait a minute….that is not asking much.

#1Nana said...

I'm waiting for the interface that can read my mind so all I have to do is think about writing and it will show up on my screen. I'm sure I've lost so many great pieces of writing because I never got around to actually writing it down.

sage said...

You're husband and I are of the same mind--I often iron and watch movies (but often they're foreign movies with subscripts which means I spend so much time glued to the screen that the iron burns through the shirt and I go back to taking dress shirts to the laundry).

Mamma has spoken said...

We have one of those programs on some of the computers at school. The fun part of using them is the 'training sessions' where you have to teach the student and computer. Yes teach the computer as in how to recognize the student's voice and their verbal output. What makes this fun is it's like auto correct feature. I've had some interesting things appear on the screen, that's for sure!

Shrinky said...

Cheers Tabor, and thanks for that (nervous grin).. ah well, if I don't try, I'll never know, will I?

Shrinky said...

Ye Gods, Dan, this stuff could read straight from out of a science fiction movie. I know you did a lot of research on this stuff with your current novel, didn't you? Most of it just beggars belief, I'm not sure I feel at all comfortable with the thought of anyone accessing my thoughts at will..!

Shrinky said...

Oh Rose, yeah, I have that Windows 7 speech recognition mode on this laptop, too - WTF why they bothered to include it in there, other than to give us all a good laugh, that is, is a mystery! I'm hoping this new software is a bit more advanced - we'll soon see.

Shrinky said...

Hiya Bill, yeah, my daughters have that i-phone app, the novelty soon wore off though, they aren't terribly impressed with it. Ha, if Jeeves answers me back, I'm heading for a refund..!

Shrinky said...

I sure plan to, Secret Agent. I'm curious as to how it compares to the Windows 7 version (which is pure and utter shite)..

Shrinky said...

Haaaaaaaaaa, oh Kate, you slay me, y'know I actually had to do a double take on this before I "got" it - haaaaaaaaaa!

Shrinky said...

No, no, no, GQ, you misunderstand me - I should've explained. He irons for a bit, then glances at the telly, leaving the iron in an upright position for approx 15 mins, until the ads come on - then he returns to ironing, repeating the process until either the ironing or the sports (whichever comes first) have finished..

Um, yeah, I know I can often be a wee bit extravagant with the Queens English, and this could possibly throw the poor gizmo through a loop from time to time, but they promise me I can "train" the program to my speech, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Shrinky said...

Hehe, that's what they ALL say, Nana.. (wink)

Shrinky said...

Thank you dearest Sage, I now rest my case - haaaaaaaaaa!

Shrinky said...

Hi there Momma, ooh, I wonder what program that is? As I said, I know the Windows 7 version is little more than a joke, and I think anyone who's tried it soon gives it up as useless - but I've heard Dragon is far more developed?

Shrinky said...

Hi there Laughing Wolf, sure is great to see you in the land of blog again, welcome back! You've heard that? Oh good, 'cos that's the one I have on order.

Shelly said...

It would be interesting to see what it would make of my Texas accent. Now, if it will clean the windows, too...

Pearl said...

I look forward to when you receive it and the post it inspires.

:-)

Pearl

Jodi said...

Guess what? I got one of those things as a Christmas gift, and I haven't opened it yet. Pure lazy, that's all. It's the directions that always wear me out. Anyway, I like your illustrations. :)

Margaret Benbow said...

Dear Shrinky, I'm bleddy worried about these gadgets you're seduced by! You were doing just fine before. Now you're bringing this new strange electrical thingy into the home. I don't really understand electricity very well, but it conducts lightning strikes and God knows what all from the upper atmosphere. That is where the aliens dwell. They could slide right down and there you are. Sounds damn risky to me. How will we know your posts are written by our real Shrinky and that you haven't been INVADED??!!

Furtheron said...

Good luck - remember installing one of these things some years back not for me but the guy who was testing it out for the department... who did they chose? The guy from Aberdeen! I kid you not, I could barely make out 50% of what he said on a good day - they rejected the s/w within a month!

Akelamalu said...

Ooooh let us know how it works for you.

What a coincidence - hubby is doing the ironing right now as I'm sitting here typing this. :)

Suldog said...

Please promise us that you will print, verbatim, the first blog post you try to do with it - no edits! I'd truly like to see how well it performs right out of the box.

Hope it's everything you hope for!

laughingwolf said...

:)

Dave said...

My, you are quite an artist Carol. You also seem a wee bit excitable over TV commercials. Mmmm. Good luck with the Dicta-device if you ever get it - Dave :-)

Shrinky said...

Oh Shelly, if it could clean my windows, I'd marry it!

Shrinky said...

I'm counting down the hours, Pearl (grin)..

Shrinky said...

Aw, cheers Jodi! Crikey, watch this space and I'll let you know if it's worth installing yours.

Shrinky said...

Eek, Margaret, I hadn't thought that through - sheesh, now you've got me nervous (shudder). I think I'll heed your warning, and do what the voices tell me, ie., always wear me tin-foil cap when operating, that should fix it!

Shrinky said...

Hahaha, you're serious, Aberdeen?? Well, I guess they wanted to give it the toughest road test they could, Furtheron, eh?

Shrinky said...

Ah, Ake, some of 'em are trainable, eh? (Grin)

Shrinky said...

Hiya Sully, hmn, well I always have to edit EVERYTHING I write several times over before it's fit to print - and even then that's questionable.. but what I will promise, is AFTER I've worked out how to use it right, I'll post a paragraph or two verbatam as I've dictated it, how's that? See, I expect to have to correct it now and then, the idea for me is to get my thoughts up on screen as they come, y'know?

Shrinky said...

Hi Laughingwolf, I wonder if I'll still be smiling once it arrives?

Shrinky said...

Aw, thanks for the kinds words, Dave - and yeah, I'm easily amused (blush), I'll keep you posted.

Giancarlo said...

buona giornata...ciao

Shrinky said...

Hi Giancarlo, thanks for visiting.

Marianne said...

I'm intrigued by the instant eye popper. I believe that may warrant its own post. With pictures, please.

Li said...

A friend of mine had difficulty using his hands for several weeks due to a nerve condition and his Dragon program saved him. True, he had to go back and proofread/correct because it did make a few typos, but it allowed him to dictate everything he needed and really was faster than his normal typing speed. (And less typos!) Hope yours works out as well.

chewy said...

Impulse shopper? All this modern technology lets us multi-task big time. I see you dictating your blog while doing all sorts of things. - Love the drawings.

~Babs said...

instant eye popper. I've never seen that one!
I love how they always say:
"But WAIT,WAIT,,there's more!"

Wishing you all the best with this new thing-a-ma-jig, whatsis.I hope it's all you want and more!
Even though you really don't deserve it, what with having a hubby that irons and all.
:-)

The Blue Zoo said...

I cant wait to see how it works!!

Shrinky said...

Hi Marianne, meh - what a rip-off THAT one turned out to be (pout)..

Shrinky said...

Oh Li, this is music to my ears, thanks for that, it gives me fresh hope all these naysayer's will soon be eating their words (no pun intended, giggle)..

Shrinky said...

Hi Chewy, I've never used "paint" before, I'm finding it fun! Yeah, I'm itching to put this software to the test, I can hardly wait.

Shrinky said...

Haha! Yeah Babs, he sometimes has his uses, that one (wink).

Shrinky said...

Me neither, Stephanie!

Bone said...

it's common knowledge men can't multi-task for toffee

HEY! Oh, why am I protesting? 'Tis true. I mean, technically we CAN... if you don't place the unreasonable requirement on us that either task to be done especially well, or to completion.

Now what was that about a toffee-coated Mars bar?