Saturday, January 3, 2009

If the Shoe Fits

Cinderella (slightly alarmed): Don't you think we're rushing this a bit?

Prince Charming (a little miffed): I've searched the whole Kingdom looking for you.

Cinderella (smiling fondly) : Yeah, I know. It sure was a fun night, wasn't it?

Prince Charming (nodding): Indeed it was, I've fallen so madly in love with you, my darling..

Cinderella (tenderly): Sweetie, um, I think you are wonderful, I really do - in fact I am totally and absolutely infatuated with you too, really I am!

Prince Charming (brightening): Well then, let's ride off together on the back of my trusty white steed, away into the sunset without further ado!

Cinderella (sighing) : Aw, hold up a minute here, will 'ya?

Prince Charming (indulgently): Oh my dearest, there is no need to pack, I shall buy for you everything which your little heart may desire, yes, that and even more, just come, take my hand, let's be gone from this unsavoury place.

Cinderella (frozen): Come again?

Prince Charming (puzzled): I am sorry?

Cinderella (eyes wide):Unsavory?

Prince Charming (whispering apologetically): It is a bit smelly..

Cinderella (waving her arms about): Look at these hands - chapped down to the bone so they are! You try cleaning a place this size, with four shitty loo's, a dungeon and God alone knows how many fireplaces in it, with no one, none I might add, but some flea-ridden mice and that hardly ever here half-wit Buttons around here to help. I'd like to see you do any better. Bet you've never even seen a decent day's work in your whole life neither, so's you haven't, Mr. "Bit-Smelly"-Nose-Up-Your-Bum-Condescending-Prick that you are..

Prince Charming (sensing a shift in mood): I meant no offence, truly. Please don't sully this day with a frown, I merely wish to sweep you away and to make you my bride.

Cinderella (suspicious): What happened to dating?

Prince Charming (curious): Dating? We are made for each other darling, who needs to date?

Cinderella (sensing with a sinking heart this guy is serious): Are you serious?

Prince Charming (earnestly): Never more so.

Cinderella (uneasily): Charlie, you're a lovely bloke and all that, sure you are, and um, well, I fancy you something rotten. But honey, I've never dated anyone else before, well, not unless you count Buttons..

Price Charming (jealousy peaking): BUTTONS?

Cinderella (wishing she's buttoned her mouth): Oh, he meant nothing, a big mistake really. I never fancied him much at all.

Prince Charming (thunderstruck): You are not pure??

Cinderella (cringing a bit): Almost.. ish.

Prince Charming (accusingly): You have lain with him?

Cinderella (hugely relieved): Oh Lord no, silly! We stood up all the while, well, more kind of leant back against the wall, in truth. No, no my darling, I never went to bed with him, of course not! What do you take me for? Sheesh!

Prince Charming (heart broken): How could my beloved do such a thing? This doesn't make sense, you are meant to be my only one true love..

Cinderella (shrugging): Snow-White told me that's what her her Prince asked too, after she gave birth to that grumpy dwarf kid of theirs. (Sigh) Look Charlie, I did pretty well at all this waiting business, but you did take one heck of a long time in getting here y'know. What's a girlie s'posed to do?

Prince Charming (aghast): The dwarf kid isn't his?

Cinderella (rolling eyes): Du-uh! See what happens when you rush into things? Now if they'd taken a little time out to court first, got to know each other a bit, maybe he would have realised the real reason the woodsman took her out into the woods in the first place.. I mean, she was actually living with seven guys when they first met!!

Prince Charming (crestfallen): Well, when you put it that way..

Cinderella (glad to have deflected him): Sooo how's about it, Charlie? Fancy a date?

Prince Charming (slightly mollified, mumbling): I hear "Shrek VII" is on at "The Palace".

Cinderella (Jumping up and down, clapping her hands): Ooooh, perfect! 7.30 it is on Friday, then - ooh, now you won't forget to bring the choccies, mind?


Fireblossom said...

This is hilarious! I laughed out loud reading it. Your comic timing is perfect. Poor Charlie, so taken by surprise.

This is a little gem.

Anonymous said...

Psst, Cinderella... he's the Prince of Stepford.

Anonymous said...

Whoa! - Choccies? Okay, now I know this is a fairy tale. Hey... isn't Fairy Godmother watching Cinderella's back?

Mmm said...

Oh. that is so funny. So very English too.

Alex L said...

Well we all know that Snow white gave it away to anyone.

SJ said...


You do dramatic so well... I wonder why.

Shrinky said...

Aw, cheers Shay, 'twas just a bit of fun.. the practical Scot in me has always questioned if a couple of hours spent together at the local ball was enough to qualify for them to run off into marriage..

Oh Chewy, Chewy, Chewy, thanks for the thumbs up, my Cinders would never make for a good Stepford Wife! As for her fairy Godmother, look how long she let Cinders rot scrubbing shitty loo's - she's hardly a one to be relied on, is she?

Mnn, I am glad it made you smile, I had a lot of fun with this bit of nonsense.

Alex, anyone with a name like that attracts my suspicion..

sj, if I didn't know any better I might believe you were insinuating I am a bit of a drama queen - hmph!(Flouncing out the blog and slamming the door loudly behind.)

Les Becker said...

I dunno - I might've gone along with no argument for the sake of a new wardrobe. Most of my stuff is over 10 years old, and looks it.

Where the hell is MY prince?!

Akelamalu said...

Alternative fairytales - love 'em! LOL

Shrinky said...

Aw Les, I kind of imagine you more the Buch Sundance type of gal myself - and he did have wads of cash for a bit, too! Grin.

Akelamalu, I'll let you into a little secret, this here little piece is written solely to cock a snoot at hubby for having the audacity to upstage me, by having a series of modern day fairy tales comissioned. The cheek of the lad, hmph!

Akelamalu said...

Oh Wow - he's famous! But then so are you in the blogosphere! LOL

PS Do drop by my place tomorrow there'll be a little something for you. :)

Mmm said...

Oh, I didn't actually realise you wrote it, Shrinky. Kudos.

*Goddess* said...

Props to Snow White, you go, gurl!

~Babs said...

I'll bet she didn't jump up and down too long. I've heard it said that she shoved her number nines into those size six glass slippers.

(hiding my big honkin' nines under the table)

Alex said... crazy girl! I needed that. :)

Shrinky said...

Mmm, I never post anything I haven't written personally! Smile.

Goddess, out-of-control teens have always been out there..

Babs, nothing comes without a price, eh? Grin.

Aw, thanks Alex, glad to know it made you smile!

Shrinky said...

Oh Akelamalu, I've just been by - thank yo soooooooo much for making my day (hugs).

Suldog said...

Prince Charming (accusingly): You have lain with him?

Cinderella (hugely relieved): Oh Lord no, silly! We stood up all the while, well, more kind of leant back against the wall...

Oh, Lord, Shrinky. I shot a small stream of coffee up my nose on that one.

Sandi McBride said...

Charlie is such a dolt, how bout that cad calling the palace smelly? Loved this story so much, I laughed till I wept...better than laughing till I peed, no doubt!
Thanks for the cheering ...

Shrinky said...

Jim, I knew I could count on you to pick up on my favourite line (chuckle)!

I know Sandie, he's hardly the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he? (Wink)

Deb said...

Happy New Year! I have been MIA a while as I figured life out but am happy to be back visiting my blogging friends. I enjoyed catching up on your past posts - and this fairy tale was so much fun to read. One can tell that you had fun writing it. Let's keep the laughter rolling throughout this new year. Celebrate!

Catmoves said...

Shrinky, you are pure evil. And then you have to be funny evil. How did you get to be so evil?
(The reason I ask is that I want to read that to the grandkids and I don't know if their parents will leave me black and blue.) Bwaaaaaaaahhhhhh

Fletch said...

Panto's are never going to be the same again!

The shouted, "He's behind you." will take on a whole new meaning from now on.

Darn it Shrinky, you're a bad influence. But a most delightful one ...

Shrinky said...

Hello Deb, how lovely to see you back again, happy new year to you too, hope it's a good one.

Catmoves, moi, evil? Huh, that's nice that is, isn't it? It's not ME who broke Prince Charlie's heart..

Fletch - go wash that mouth of yours out with carbolic soap, me lad! (Sheesh, I've never heard the like.)

Alex said...

Hope you're having a good week!! :)

Shrinky said...

Thanks Alex, it is certainly a busy week, I am off to London for a few days on Saturday, so there is much to do! Hope you are having a good week too.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

So brighten up my early morning before work...

Shrinky said...

Awww, cheers FFF, you've gone and brightened up my day too, now!

Carol said...

Whimsical, comical fairy tale at its finest!! LOL! Delightful!!

San said...

That prince better charm her with some popcorn too.

I loved this, Shrinky! You should re-write the Brothers Grimm. With your own grim (make that grin) take.

Shrinky said...

oh San, Cinders receeding gums won't allow her to eat popcorn without it getting lodged in them, she thought she'd give it a miss for their first date.. after all, a girlie needs to have a little sense of decorum. (Wink.)

Shrinky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jay said...

' ... I mean, she was actually living with seven guys ... '


I've often thought the characters in fairy stories could use a little comon sense! ;)

i beati said...

This is classic loved it !!Sandy

Shrinky said...

Jay, you've hit the nail right on the head, what kind of stuff are we feeding to our kids, anyway? Sheesh, at least my version coaxes a little caution.. wink.

Hi Sandi, I get such a kick to know it made someone smile, thanks hon.

david mcmahon said...

You are a genius. But I keep telling you that.

Shrinky said...

Aw shucks David, you sure know how to stroke a girlies ego (giggle)! Thanks so much for the high praise, you've made my toes curl, that you have! Grin.

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