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Saturday, March 27, 2010

Words to the (not quite yet) Wise..


You know, I've decided all I want for my next birthday is a polygraph machine. What a gift from the Gods that would be, eh? Think of all the fruitless banter it will save:-

Me: "Are these your dirty knickers I found lying in my bathroom?

Beccy: "Nah, they're Abby's."

Abby: "Liar!"

So much easier to just cut to the chase. Hook 'em up and zap 'em, that's what I say. Can you imagine?

"Were you really abducted by aliens?"

"Was it you who told your brothers girlfriend he has Herpes?"

"Who wrecked the kitchen again?"

"Do you have any other websites I should know about?"

"Who scoffed all the biscuits?"

"What happened to my favourite vase?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"What's the REAL story behind this detention..?"

"Is it true that dirty mag was planted under your bed without your prior knowledge and consent?"

"Did you tell your sister she is adopted and was a crack baby?"

Oh, the possibilities are endless! In fact, the more I think about it, I think perhaps the government should step up here, provide one free of charge per household! Now that's what I call supporting responsible parenting, eh?

We might even bring out an alternative version, one that delivers a wee, small electrical charge for when the needle strays over to "deceptive" (okay, only for those persistent offenders, let's not be entirely heartless).



(I wonder if you can buy these things on-line..?)

With four teenagers living under my roof, it does occur to me there is much you should be told WAAAY before you get pregnant. It's with the benefit of this experience I would like to pass on a few golden nuggets to any of you wide-eyed, prospective parents out here..

It is worth considering:

Babies grow hair and teeth. The first may require frequent nit lotion application, the latter expensive dental work.

Seventeen years after giving birth, driving lessons currently pan out at around £30 per lesson, and even then that's only if you book them in bulk. (Be sure to budget in a projected inflation here.) Your little darling will naturally expect either a Lotus or a Porch as reward for passing said test. (Emphasis upon expect, resultant tears may follow.)

Homework begins at age four. Contrary to popular belief this is set for the parent, not the child, and is obliged to be turned in, preferably correct as well as on time, throughout the entire duration of his/her education.

Upon reaching the magical age of 16, although legally able to work, demanding your cherub seek outside employment at this stage will undoubtedly ruin their entire future, distracting them as it will from any critical study period and essential social activity.

As a teenager, Your child will divide and multiply, creating several life size clones to further feed and house.

That sweet little nursery you plant the offspring in warps over time, necessitating frequent fumigation.

Baby-grows do not stretch to 6ft.

First words lead on to more, usually regrettable.

No parent ever "does" it, because it's "disgusting" and you are far too old to remember "it" anyway. (In actual fact, this isn't too far from the truth, it's hard to maintain an enthusiastic sex-life when you are always half-expecting someone to burst in on you both, with demands of either cash, food, rides or an immediate clean turn-around of their favourite shirt.)

Okay I'll stop, let's forget the daily nutritious meals you're duty bound to serve, in-between their snacking at MacDonald's en-route home, and we won't mention having to constantly figure out the latest Bebo site your child is currently posting their indecent pictures at.

There are rewards. One day (hopefully planned) you may become a grandparent. This is when your child will step back in wonder, and appreciate how brilliantly you managed to cope with them down the years. So much so, you will definitely be trusted to sit for their own little darlings.

(Well, having finally landed themselves that fabulous job that you always wanted them to get, it's only but fair you'll then allow them to keep it, huh?)

Ah yes, parenthood, what a delightful mixed-blessing it brings!

90 comments:

BRUNO said...

So THAT'S what a nursery REALLY looks like?!!!

My God! I really WAS "born-in-a-barn", after all!

I always thought my sisters were just "talkin'-trash" to me...!

Mr. Nighttime said...

I knew there was a reason I live vicariously through my brother.

Leslie: said...

...but we do survive it all, with memories to share with THEIR children! lol

TechnoBabe said...

That's one of the cutest nursery pics I have ever seen! There certainly wasn't anything like that around when I was a baby. I was placed in a bureau drawer! Hah. You are so right about a grown child re-thinking their parents love and graciousness when their parents become grandparents.

Michelle H. said...

"Did you tell your sister she is adopted and was a crack baby?"

Sorry, once I got to that part, I could not stop laughing. Okay, I read the rest of the post.

A beautiful nursery and so right about parents. Wish I had something like that as a child.

*Goddess* said...

Great looking crib. Hate to tell you this, but a dresser drawer works just as well:)

She Writes said...

I see the draw to the machine :)!

The Blue Zoo said...

I really want one of those machines. I think it would be permanately attached to my 9 yr old.

Shrinky said...

Bruno, you slay me! (Laughing)

Ha! Our kids have an Uncle like you, Mr.Nightime, he looks on in bewilderment..

Amazingly so, Leslie, this I have been told (wink).

That's the hope, TechnoBabe, huh? As for the nursery, I think it's more for the parents than for the baby - lets face it, it's not like they are likely to remember much about it, eh?

Hiya Michelle, I couldn't make this stuff up, and that's not even the half of it, I swear! I got up this morning to find my heavy duty, much loved whizzy-rounder (that food processor thingie) smashed beyond repair. How the hell can anyone manage to DROP something like that?? I just know no one is going to own up to it..

Aw, but it's not so purty, Goddess!

Amy, every child should come with one taped to their bum, at birth..

Hi Blue Zoo, so nice to see you here! I think I should investigate the market for home retailing these gizmo's, it could well catch on!

Akelamalu said...

You summarise being a parent so well! You're right - Become a grandparent is God's reward for being a parent! :)

Shrinky said...

I'll happily take your word for it Akelamalu (for now)!

Realliveman said...

My iPhone has a pretty cool app that detects of someone is BSing. It uses facial expressions to detect. It's pretty accurate lol

Chef Green said...

"Did you tell your sister she was adopted and was a crack baby!!!?"
LOL

I died from laughter. That was soooooo funny!

otin said...

Could you imagine how messed up the world would be if we could find every lie that people tell?? lol

Elly javascript:void(0)Lou said...

...and now I've gotta go get my tubes tied. STAT.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

And that is precisely why I only had ONE child...LOL...You are a saint, dear Shrinky!!! And one with a wicked sense of humor ;-) Loved this post...you had me laughing all the way through!!! Pretty amazing nursery, though...Can I move in? Love you, Janine XO

Sling said...

Wait a minute!..Are you telling me that moms really can't tell you're lying,just by looking at you??..Damm..All those unnecessary confessions I made as a boy.

Postman said...

Follower #99 reporting in, madam. Looks like we have a scintillating blog here. Thought I might throw in with you.

A truly Confucian question: "Just how many problems WOULD a polygraph solve around here?" That list of common interrogatives is almost too true to be funny (and yet it still is).

This is precisely why I'm waiting until I'm, I don't know, 33 to have kids, simply because I don't think I have the patience or wisdom to deal with 'em yet. Let alone money for all that dental work...and let's not forget the $1500 my folks had to spend to get the floss out of the cat's intestines...

I like the nursery pic, though! Mama Wolf and Daddy Wolf didn't have access to that sort of thing in the woods, unfortunately for me...

Kathryn Magendie said...

*laughing!* I think moms to be should go live at various houses - you know how they have those parties where you start at one house for appetizers and then to the next for soup, next for entree, next for dessert, ect- well, the mom who wants to be mom should go from house to house: one with infant, then toddler, then tweens then teens....stay a week or so ...soak up all the life *teehee*

Hilary said...

Too funny. I love your polygraph questions. Unfortunately it would also answer all of the questions to which we think we want to know the answers but really don't!

chewy said...

So that's what life with kids is like! (chuckle) I enjoyed this post so much that I suggested my FB friends stop by to have a read.

SJ said...

I deny I did ,was witness to, or otherwise involved in any of the aforementioned activities.

Oops sorry that was my deny-deny-deny reflex.

Shrinky said...

Amazing what technology can do, Realiveman, eh?

Aw, Chef Green, you can come back and visit here anytime (grin)!

In truth Otin, I think I would be in deep do-do..

Elly Lou, glad to see I've been of service (laughing)!

Hi Janine, oh, I stole this nursery pic from Flickr, our sweet, old nursery got well and truly trashed, many years back.. (sigh)

Sling, you obviously come from an age of innocence, long since gone - ah, those were the days!

Shrinky said...

Hi follower #99! Ah, Postman, here I am trying to be all cool and nonchalant, surpressing my nervous tick every time I log in, pretending I'm not at all willing that counter to turn to the magic triple number, and then here you saunter in, to set my to heart racing! Soooo close, eh? (Be still my beating heart..)

Kathryn, not only is this inspried, I vote it should be compulsary (could well prove the most effective method of birth control yet)!

Hilary, I have a sneaky suspicion you could well be right, there are simply some things you just don't WANT to know.

OMG Chewy, you serious?? Awww, me toes are curling now! But, erm, you sure you want them to know the types of folks you rub shoulders with, in here? (Grin)

SJ, see, here you you are, a walking advertisement for this to be implemented, I hereby rest my case.. (smug smile)

Tamara said...

Wow. Like I really needed more reasons to fear having children. The fact that they turn into teenagers must be the scariest one yet ;-)

My mother was a human lie detector. I wish I'd inherited that skill instead of the sarcasm.

Not true, actually. The sarcasm is too much fun to pass up.

Jazz said...

Now I understand why the whole idea of kids never appealed to me...

Skunkfeathers said...

I can guaran-dang-tee that when I was of the age to be in a 'nursery', it wouldn't remain looking like that long...I was a terror.

Daffy said...

mercy I wish I had a lie dector....man oh man I could some real damage with one of those....

Shrinky said...

Hi Tamara, welcome aboard, thanks for stopping by. Did you mention sarcasm (evil grin)?

Skunk, I'm taking it you weren't the eldest, otherwise you would be an only child?

Jazz, I thought that way too, 'til I hit 30, then my marbles slipped (grin)..

Daffy, methinks that might prove lethal - but oh, wouldn't it be fun?

Taylorvillegirl said...

I just may have put you in the triple digits! I found you after you found me and what a fun find. :)
I don't even have kids but I so want a lie detector machine. Just to cut down on the overall bs in my everyday life.

Shrinky said...

Woohoo, Tayorvillegirl - triple digits, huh? (Grinning like a Cheshire cat, hugging myself and doing the little happy dance) Erm, not that I am in the LEAST bit as uncool as to care about such things, eh? (Blush..) Teehee! Glad you popped by, it's made my day.

Mojo said...

Having just days ago welcomed my first grandchild into the world, I can verify that the grandpa gig is SOOOooo much easier.

"Feed them sugar, send them home"
(Grandparents' Creed c. 1976)

Danyelle said...

Just think of all the memories you can share with them later when they're parents and your a grandparent. ;-)

*sigh* I think even if we did get a polygraph, my kidlets would figure out a way around it. >.<

Suldog said...

Thanks, Shrinky, for bringing into sharp focus why my resolve to never have children was the correct decision for me. I make a fine uncle.

nancygrayce said...

I laughed and laughed when I read this! I came over from Leslie's blog. I often needed that lie detector! AND my older brother told me that they picked me up in a basket in a disreputable part of town! My mother dryly replied to my crying questions, do you really think we would have adopted the third child???

I vote for shock collars for teens (having been through 4 of them). Just give them a low dose shock and they'll come right under control! j/k no, I never did that!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Just stopping by to say 'hi!' to one of the loveliest and most talented ladies I know! You are so thoughtful! Love you! Janine XO

Shrinky said...

Oh Mojo, many congratulations hon, what an exciting time this must be for you - OMG, you're now a GRANDAD (wow)!

Danyelle, yeah, maybe I should be careful of what I wish for here, eh? Some things it's probably best NOT to know..!

Haha, Suldog, I truly do think we should be required to get a licence before having kids, sit a test or something, just so we know everything that lies ahead (wink). That said, I guess I still would have gone ahead, anyway.

Hey Nancy, how lovely to see you in here, thanks for stopping by! Ah, I can hear the voice of experience (giggle), you've obviously been there yourself, and know EXACTLY where I am coming from. Actually, I'm a middle child of four, too - ooh, the tales I could tell about what my sib's did to me (and me, to them)!!

Oh Janine, this was the first email I had this morning, what a lovely start you've given my day (I've just come back from driving Sam to college in a snowstorm, and had a very near miss - I skidded into a main road - eeeek!)Your timing couldn't be more perfect if you tried. Thanks for putting the day right again, you are truly amazing (smile). I am so glad to call you my friend. ((x))

slommler said...

Pay backs are so sweet...when they have teenagers of their own and they call you in shock and disbelief that such behavior has occurred from their baby???!!! LOL!!! You can remind them of some of their past and they will usually respond with an "OMG!!! I am so sorry!!!" LOL!! Love it!
Congrats on your POTW
Hugs
SueAnn

Fen said...

ooh i want one too, but for flatmates that make mess.
"Did you flick toothpaste on the mirror right after I'd cleaned it?"
Mine would come with a cattle prod attachment that would zap them whenever they lie! YES! Ha ha ha!

Sunshine said...

wow nursury look very beautifully decorated.. cool job done i think when i will have a child i will take tips frm you for sure

lOve
Sabi

Land of shimp said...

Oh Shrinky, and let us not forget the universal truth, that all teenagers believe that we do not know, in all the history of cigarettes, pot or condoms not once has a friend ever said, "Hold on to this for me, will you?" Yet if you find a pack of smokes, they always belong to some friend (who conveniently does not have a name at the time he/she is mentioned).

Wonderfully funny, and yes there are rewards, in-between the rampant insanity.

I've got a story for you, and it requires a bit of background: my brother is from Scotland. Not, "I have ancestors in Scotland" but rather, he was born there, and I was born in the states.

When I was six, my mother, who worked and went to school, was seemingly always asleep, and the very worst thing you could do was wake her.

My brother, Stephen is four years older than I am, and one morning he decided to have some fun:

"I'm an alien." He proclaimed. This went on for ages, with me becoming increasingly infuriated, because my brother was not, I assure you, from space. He finally got my goat enough that I decided to run off and do the unthinkable; wake up my mother.

"MOM! Stephen says he's an alien!!"

And my mother, bleary from sleep, but really in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice replied:

"Of course he is. What are you on about? Stephen is an alien, now let me sleep."

FOUR YEARS LATER I found out that she meant "resident alien".

ARGH.

Daryl said...

Congrats on POTW mention from Hilary

i beati said...

I will laugh all day at this post..sandy

TSannie said...

I have very mixed feeling about this whole parenthood thing. And I've had years of doing it.

Deserved POTW mention - congratulations!

secret agent woman said...

Ha! Kids are such little sociopaths they could beat any polygraph machine.

mrsnesbitt said...

Wonderful!

You deserve a medal!
Dxx

Phivos Nicolaides said...

I like your story as always! Happy Easter dear.

Jay said...

Haha! You nailed it , Shrinky! LOL!

A polygraph machine would have been a gift from the gods at times, for sure,

Cricket said...

Teenagers!?!? I have the live-size eating clones now. I find myself sounding like my father: I bring in all these groceries, and all you people do is eat them! Sounds logical enough but, as a parent, you understand, I'm sure.

Congratulations on the (very funny) potw. :-)

Dianne said...

my son is 36 now and I still can't believe we made it

congrats on POTW

Tgoette said...

I am with you that a polygraph machine would be awesome, but I'd be afraid someone would turn the tables on me and hook me up to it.

I can't have the truth about the JFK assassination, UFO's, Mole People, Bigfoot and the Bermuda Triangle be revealed through me.

That would be bad. For everyone.

Tina said...

Funny and frightening! Will I or won't I? What to do!

The Clean White Page

Shrinky said...

Hi sue Ann, Post of the Week? Blimey! Thanks for the heads up (smile), how lovely..

Shrinky said...

Oh Fen, I sooo remember those days, I shared a flat with three other girls in London - ahh, happy times!

Shrinky said...

Shimp, OMG, that is a wonderful tale - so unexpected, hahahaha, so he really WAS an ailien!! Are your parents Scottish? I was born there, too.

Shrinky said...

Hi Sabi, oh, that is not my nursery, I borrowed that pic from the web!

Shrinky said...

Oh, thanks Daryl, I believe congratulations are in order for you too, one that one!

Shrinky said...

Hi Sandy, Happy Easter, hon!

Shrinky said...

Hello TSannie, thanks for stopping by, good to see you in here!

Shrinky said...

Hi Denise, happy Easter!

Hey Secret Agent, come to think of it..(grin)!

Hi Phivos, thanks for stopping by.

Ah Jay, wouldn't it just (smile)?

Aww, thanks Cricket! The delivery guys on my weekly grocery shop always think I am joking when I tell them I hide half of the stuff they bring, for later. It's the only way to make it span out the week..!

Shrinky said...

Thank you Diane, so nice to see you in here!

Togoette, oh wow, I never realised that, crikey, yeah, guess we should beware of the can of worms this might open up, eh (laughing)?

Shrinky said...

Oh Tina, maybe I overstated the case a little (grin)..

Merisi said...

You hit home!
Says mother of four.
Sorry, that's all,
gotta serve those monsters!

Congratulations on being on Post of the Day,
well deserved (I know you did it the hard way!)!

Happy Easter,
Merisi

Joanna Jenkins said...

I've known I was cut out to have children since I was 8 years old. Now I live vicariously through my nieces and nephews and friend's kids-- and give them back at the end of the day :-)

Very funny post!

Have a fun weekend.
jj

Shrinky said...

Happy Easter, Merisi! Ah, I see I am talking to one who already knows (grin)..

Hello Joanna, it's funny how life sometimes pans out, isn't it (hugs)? I was a late starter with children, but once I began, I kind of forgot to stop (wink).

Land of shimp said...

Shrinky, my brother is my half-brother. My dad was from Virginia, and met my mother while studying in Ireland. My mom (who I stubbornly call "mom" instead of "mum" for no earthly reason I can name) and brother are both from Kirkcaldy.

Just to add to the "Oh what could you possibly have been thinking?" of my parents union, the married and promptly moved to Indiana for a spell...where my mother developed a screaming hatred of the Midwest.

I technically live in the Midwest, as it happens.

Tahereh said...

loooool

ur wayyy too funny :D hehehe

Shrinky said...

Blimey Shimp, what a pedigree (giggle)! Now I know why you are as interesting as you are..(wink)

Shrinky said...

Hey Tahereh, thanks for stopping by! Hope to see more of you soon.

Cocotte said...

You've got some real gems of wisdom in there, Shrinky. Two of my kids are clever little liars and I'd think a lie detector machine or hidden camera would prove quite useful.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Love you so very much! Always. ~Janine XO

imbeingheldhostage said...

You NAILED the teenager description and really depressed me in the process. My experience has only been with one at a time but in a few years I'll be following your steps with four at once... I'm exhausted now (it took me two days and three tries just to read your blog post because of those four), help.

(I was found in a trash can-- my brother didn't know about crack moms I guess).

Mimi Lenox said...

Oh so so so true. Every word. And the reward truly is grandchildren. I have one little such one. He is six and the joy of my life.

Just wait. It's really grand.

Shrinky said...

Hi Cocotte, sheesh, a hidden camera - I hadn't thought of that (now there's an idea..)!

Hey there Janine, hi to you sweetie, what a lovely thing to do ((smiles)), you always brighten the day!

imbeingheldhostage, oh my poor baby, I feel your pain (giggle), no, seriously, I do, I do!! In all honesty, hand on heart, (and touching wood) the teenage years are a breeze compared to when they were younger, I look back in wonder that we ever survived those days! A trash can, huh? (laughing..)

Hello Mimi, how lovely to find you in here, and thanks for calling over! I am sure there will come a day when I long for grandchildren, just give me a decade or so to recover first.. (wink)

Matty said...

Yes, a polygraph would be very useful. But we parents already have one. It's the God given one built into every parent. You just 'know' when they're lying. I hope.

Yeah, driving and cars. We made all our kids wait until 17, and they all survived the wait. And yes, we were terrible parents because of it. LOL

Sex with kids in the house? What's that? LOLOLOLOL

~Babs said...

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Oh, 'scuse me, I know tisn't funny.
Only when you're remembering it all in hindsight, as I am.
Super post, MOST wonderfully written Shrinky!

Shrinky said...

Hi Matty, hmn, I'm afraid my parent lie detector skills aren't finely honed enough to tell for certain what is truth or BS, tho' Lord knows, I cetainly should have had enough practise by now!

Hi there Babs! Aw, we all survive mostly intact, in the end, don't we? And I grudingly admit there are quite a few laughs to be had along the way (wink)..

25BAR said...

Now wouldn't that be nice?

Paris Cowgirl said...

I laughed the whole way through this. I think my youngest, who just had a baby last week would have read this prior to conception! And thanks for the vote of confidence on the garden. I am loving it!

Jason, as himself said...

While true and inspiring, and funny, this post has left me exhausted. Today I'm in one of those "leave me alone" moods!

Thank you for commenting on The Jason Show the other day!

Shrinky said...

Sure would, 25bar (smile)thanks for dropping by.

Hey, Paris Cowgirl, many congratulations hon - guess you have survived the worst, eh (wink)!

Shrinky said...

Jason sweetie, whilst I thank you for the kind words, I am plain mortified to think I have poked you with my big, insensitive stick, when you would much prefer to have been left alone. Rest assured I shall not make the same mistake twice.

dykewife said...

there have been a few times i wished i'd remained only an auntie, but all in all boy turned out fairly well, so being a parent was ok (in hindsight).

driving lessons are considered part of the curriculum here and are paid for by the school board. i'm glad of that because they're ugly expensive otherwise. now boy's into the practice driving with his dad and when we get a car with an automatic transmission (and other essential bits like a right turn indicator light at the rear where it was punched out by an idiot in a parking lot chatting on his cell phone while driving) he'll take his driving test.

Shrinky said...

Hey dykewife, it wasn't me (I have an alibi, honest)! See, um, it's usually me who takes out folks tail lights in the car parking lot.. um, but I do leave a note, have to, everyone knows everyone here.. I am so JEALOUS your guys get FREE driving lessons - wow!

staceyjwarner said...

I once read that it was only when language was developed and we stopped hearing people's thoughts that the lie came into being...

much love

Shrinky said...

Hey Stacey, thanks for stopping in! Animals never lie, so true.

laughingwolf said...

luckily, my three are in their 20s now ;)

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Funny post!
Thanks for stopping by my blog yesterday. ANd you live on an island too!
I tried to respond to your comment at your email, but it bounced back.

Art Mama said...

I did find a blog that I thought would be helpful for my teen, it was called something like "My parent was cool once" and I was going to post a pic of me from the 80s. It said something like "once your parents had a life..." or somesuch.

Shrinky said...

So that's why you are a "Laughing Wolf", then (wink)?

Hi Maureen, thanks for calling over - my email bounced back? Oh Lord, now what? (Trotting off to investigate..)

Hello Art Mama, how good to see you in here. My youngest, in all seriousness, asked me the other day, "Mum, in the olden days, when you were young.." Tragic, but true!