Monday, April 12, 2010


So, okay, it didn't get off to an entirely auspicious start, on account of my best mate forgetting to pick me up from the station. Especially since she wasn't picking up from both her house or her mobile phone, either.


Lesser folk might be forgiven for suspecting they were just a teensy-weensy bit unwelcome, huh? Ah, not me, I know how hopeless she is, besides, we had the whole four days plotted out, I knew something had happened, so I guess I was really more concerned than upset.

Having successfully navigated myself (and luggage) from Gatwick airport to East Croydon, the only friend greeting me was this serenading homeless guy, the one with the dodgy eau-du-pee cologne. After an hour of standing about in the baking heat together, I finally paid him enough for him to bugger off, leaving me free to reluctantly resort to calling her mum at home (Little Ally, my alleged best mate, lives but a few streets walk away from her).

Seems - wait for it - she fell asleep sunbathing in the garden. Nice, eh? Anyways, she and her mum finally arrived (she suitably apologetic and mortified) to receive a stereo ear-bashing from the pair of us (my newly returned homeless friend, and I).


Still, she tried to make up for it, found some sticking-plasters for my skinned toes, and proceeded to medicate me with a bucket and half of wine, over a long, leisurely catch-up pub-lunch. Sadly, her mum (being seventy-five) doesn't usually drink very much - it proved quite an adventure getting her back into the cab with us again. Ah but, don't fret, we did have her grown grandson agree to sit the night through with her, he's a very solid and responsible (if disapproving) lad, he is, and he loves his gran.

It's a shame I was a limping, Hop-Along-Cassidy for most of the weekend, but it still didn't prevent us from shopping 'til we almost dropped, or from later meeting up with the girlies, at their local Karaoke pub. Mind, we probably should have called it a night after that, not all piled back to the house to carry on the joviality's.

That's what comes of two middle-aged matrons let loose on the town. With her hubby on a fishing trip, and mine home sitting the kids, we clean forgot we're not the teenager's we once were any more.

So that's how I eventually came to fall asleep with my contact lens still glued to my eyeballs.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world, had I woken with the good common sense to first use drops before attempting to remove them, but as I so rarely use the darn things, it clean slipped my mind. See, soft lens have this tendency to dry out, thus sealing firmly to the surface of your eye. As I plucked one out, I ripped the top layer of my left retina off with it.


So now I'm not just the limping, hop-along, wonder, I also have only one eye left to see through. And it hurt. A lot. It's blood-red, swollen shut, and gushing a burst river-bank of tears down my contorted face. That was just the beginning, it grew progressively worse by the minute, swelling to twice it's size.

Not that that's the only disaster, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh dearie me, no. Not at all.

See, I haven't filled you in on the full picture yet. Today is the day I must look my whole gorgeous best, it's imperative, critical to the plan. How the hell can this be happening to me?

Let me explain.

A couple of decades back, my best mate used to be the secretary/PA to the very same guy I was once betrothed to be married to. It was kind of a big deal at the time, we had thrown the engagement party, collected the rings, booked the church, set the date, and even bought the frock, the complete works. Fortunately, she (my pal) being a far better best mate than she ever was a loyal employee, had no qualms whatsoever in telling me, once she found out, that he was being a deceitful, lying, cheating, slutty-whore of a rat behind my back, laying anything that walked. Naturally, I dumped him from a great height, to never see the dirt bag again.

Miraculously, she almost but didn't quite, lose her job over it all, and continued to work on for several more years with him. In fact, it was only after marriage and kids called, that she finally left the firm.

In the meantime, both my ex and I soon moved on. He married my Doppelganger (well, that's what I've been told), and I went on to marry the most loyal man on earth (What? Well, I did too, so there!) It's now all water under the bridge, I haven't set eyes on him in well over twenty-odd years.


By pure coincidence, whom should our Little Ally only go and bump into last week? Of course she couldn't help but to mention my up-coming trip over.

And he offered to buy us lunch.

This is meant to be my moment, isn't it? To sail up, be gracious and charming, look a million dollars, and go off leaving him feeling gutted and regretful for the rest of his sorry life.

So it was a bit of a come-down to find myself hobbling up to greet him wearing a sodding eye-patch. With my eye constantly leaking, my nose was stuffed, and I spent the entire duration running to the loo to blow my nose and wipe my mascara. I break out in nasty red blotches when my eyes leak.

And him? The Pratt didn't even have the good grace to sport so much as a beer belly, did he?
(Ally in front, me behind, the day before I looked a train-wreck.)

The lunch was pleasant enough, but it was NOT how I'd planned it. In fact, I think he left feeling he'd had a very, very lucky, narrow escape indeed. As for me? I'm still with the eye patch, and have a doctor's appointment lined up for later.

When I fessed up to Hubby, he almost wet himself laughing.

Life is seldom fair, is it?


Fletch said...

Yup, agree, Seldom fair!

Serves you right for trying to seduce him all over again ...

Fletch said...

Still chuckling at the post. And, NO, I will not retract a single word of the first comment ...

But if it makes you feel any better, short description of a school (ex-India) reunion that I was talked into attending at Hammersmith Palais. Walked in and greeted all my school mates from 'way-back-when', only to realise in about ten minutes or so that I was effusively greeting their OFFSPRING; the parents were all 40-plus, fat and balding.

And those were only the females!

Had to take another realistic look at my own waistline, hairline, whatever ...

Jazz said...

Personally, I'm sure you were a million times better than the douchebag even with leaky eye and runny mascara.

and hell, i don't even KNOW you.

Michelle H. said...

Sorry, I got all squeamish when reading what you did to your eye. Yikes!

Hey, you never know. The guy could have had a secret fetish for watery eye-patched gals. He could have walked away wishing he had been better off with you...

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Shrinky!! I'm in pain just thinking about your poor eyes!!! I wear hard contacts still...and now, I KNOW I shall never switch over...Oh, oh, oh...I'm just cringing in pain thinking of poor you...I do so hope that your doctor will be able to get something to help heal it quickly and to alleviate the discomfort...AND WHAT a HORRIBLE thing to happen in light of such a lunch date!!!!!!!! So, so, so unfair!!! You have written about it with so much good humor...and wit...but even so, I'm ready to clobber someone... LOL... Nevertheless, I'm sure that even with an eye-patch, you were stunning! You are such a beauty that you probably looked tres chic with your patch...Love you so much, Janine XO

Suldog said...

I'll be printing this piece to read, Shrinky, as I do most of your stuff (and anybody else I wish to savor at length) but I just had to comment. I usually hate photos of pets dressed up, but the pirate cat just totally cracked me up for some reason. Thanks!

(Back later if I have something useful to contribute about the actual writing.)

Alexis said...

When I saw the Pirate Cat I laughed and then I laughed even harder during and after reading your post!!!

BRUNO said...

Ripped a hole, right in the ol' bloody-eye, eh?

That being the case, I won't even attempt to outdo such an accomplishment, by telling about the party-peanuts, the after-party diarrhea, and hemorrhoids, then......!

chewy said...

To top it all off... you should have brought the homeless guy along as your date. (Your Ex need not know you're married.) I'm sure Stinky would have appreciated a free meal. That would have been a hoot!

Pat Tillett said...

I think you've got enough material there for a mini-series on TV.
Pretty darn funny also...

TechnoBabe said...

Oh my dear, I wore contacts most of my life from age 18 till about 4 years ago. I would forget and fall asleep with the soft daily disposable in and wake up with them glued to the eyeball. I cannot tell you how I cringed when you described you pulling it off the eye. Let me know how you are. As for the lying cheating ex, who cares what he thinks we all know what he thinks with anyway. You are awesome and good thing you got away from him.

Charlene said...

I've never worn contacts but Lenny had that issue Saturday and got the screaming thing going when he had to peel them off.

As to the Ex, who cares if you're wearing an eye patch like a pirate, imagine the sorry condition of his pittiful dick; all those women, all tha time. hehehehe

Leslie: said...

Seldom??? NEVER!!!

dykewife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dykewife said...

darned computer with the darned mouse pad that won't turn off and interferes with my typing...

i hate to say it, but i was laughing as well. you poor woman! still, don't think that leaving contacts in and trying to take them out of a dry eye is a middle age thing. my friend used to do that on a nearly weekly basis after partying heartily. she was in her 20s. i'm surprised she can still see. :)

i'm hope the doctor's appointment goes well. damage to the cornea can be a serious thing.

SJ said...

Ever heard of coolers/sunglasses stylish and large (and possibly cheap) ones?

That of course would have made for a lot less misery fro you and a lot less laughter for your (dear?) readers.

Jana said...

Oh wow! Could your day have been any worse…with a friend and husband like yours you must never run out of reasons to feel murderous!

Rock Chef said...

Shame about that, I am all for making people regret being cheating pieces of crap!

Mickle in NZ said...

Oh Shrinky - Owwwwwwwwww for your poor eye.What a way to stuff up a revenge meal. Mind you, sweetheart, you do "stuff up" with incredible style and flair.

Sending love and huggles (plus snoring from Zebbycat), Michelle xxx

Fen said...

Jeebus lady, I hope you got your eye seen to, I scratched my eyeball once and had to go to the doctors every day for a week! He'd put in drops and make sure it was healing etc. Nasty stuff.

I always run into people (thankfully no exes) when I'm looking most like I just rolled out of bed. It's slightly embarrassing. But whatevs!!

Barb said...

Hilarious and such a good read! (Except I do hope all your scrapes and swellings are better...) I'm visiting you from Alexis' Blog.

laughingwolf said...

damn, that's some tale ;) lol

She Writes said...

OOOPS there it goes. I am in :). Left you an email. Ohhh, so sorry to hear this happened. There are those days a woman wants to be at her best and deserves it!!

The Blue Zoo said...

Oh my gosh! NO way! Oh - you poor thing. Im sure he realized you are simply amazing, eye patch and all!

Ive been wearing soft contacts for years and Ive never had that happen, thank goodness! Hope your Dr appt went well! Ouchie.

Shrinky said...

Fletch, that's exactly what hubby said! And just like in your school reunion, my head knew to expect him to have aged, but my mind still was shocked he had. My first words out were, "Eee, you've got old!" (I know, wasn't nice, it was just a knee jerk I didn't mean), but as Little Ally was at pains to point out later, he's actually worn very well down the years.

Aw, cheers Jazz. One thing that was highlighted to me is how different our lives are from each other now, we chose very different paths to follow, and he's every bit as much "one of the boys" as he was then.

Michelle, that's a very scary thought (giggle), but with him, guess anything is possible!

Oh Janine, that's so typical of you to try to put the best possible spin on things (grin)! My eye is on the mend now, thanks, I have some anti-biotic drops to use to help clear the infection, and it should heal perfecctly in a day or so's time (hugs).

Shrinky said...

Hi Jim, aw, I'm glad the pic made you smile!

Hi Alexis, how lovely of you to stop by, welcome aboard hon! Hope to see you again..

Y'know Bruno, any disaster of mine is a walk in the park when I think of the trouble you can land yourself so effortlessly in - talk about a trouble magnet!

Chewy, you have a wonderously, warped and delightful mind - teehee!

Ah Pat, if only you knew the half of it, truly!

Hi TechnoBabe, yeah, my eye will survive to focus another day, thanks, no real lasting damage done. One thing that came out is what total opposites we are, both him and his wife elected not to have any children, he nearly fell off his chair in horror when he heard I had gone on to have four (grin)!

Oh Charlene, this made me laugh out loud, and I am sure you are right, too! Great to see you in here, thanks for stopping by.

Sadly, so true, Leslie..

Hi Dykewife, that was only the half of it, I felt a regular idiot at the airport, people kept giving me weird looks, it didn't help I had no depth of perception, navigating stairs and luggage drew even more attention - sigh..

Shrinky said...

SJ, I had to have my eye taped closed to avoid any light getting in, and being blind as a bat, I would have been tripping over chairs trying to focus through dark shades with only one good eye, I certainly wasn't about to wear a contact lens in my only remaining eye - he was a blur to me throughout the entire lunch, as it was.

Jana, oh, this guy was my ex, never my husband!

Hi Rockchef, well, it could have gone better, that's for sure, but you know what? I think he probably reaps enough payback elsewhere, if he is still the same person he was back then.

Hi Michelle (and Zebbycat), yup, if there is ever a way to screw up, I could give lessons on it (grin). I should be used to it by now..

Fen, I think I have the same eyedrops you had, 'cept the doc doesn't want to see me until next week - think it's much improved already, thankfully. But I don't think I'll be using the lens again anytime soon.

Oh Barb, I'm so pleased you called over, thanks for the visit! Hope to see you again sometime?

Shrinky said...

Hi Laughingwolf, some stuff you can't even make up, can you (grin)?

Hello Amy, ah, good old blogger and her hissy-fits, eh? Yup, like I say, it's sod's law that when you need it to go right, it almost always goes the opposite way (shrug).

Hi Blue Zoo, aw all's well that ends well - I'm just glad to be home now, safe and sound!

Jana said...


Lola Sharp said...

The ripping of the eye part? Eewww.

When you go and have a bad day, you go the distance!
At least it was good fodder, right?


Akelamalu said...

You realise your hubby put a hex on you before you left home don't you? LOL

secret agent woman said...

Jeez! I that eye injury sounds terrible! But great that you had such a good time with your friend.

Suldog said...

OK, I'm back.

I'm sorry everything didn't go as you might have wished, but, damn, woman, if it had, then I wouldn't have had the wonderful and long laughs you graced me with. I guarantee the bastard (I use that word on your behalf) has never made anyone so full of happy, so you have that. And I thank you.

Voyager said...

Life is so not fair. He didn't even have the grace to sport a big beer gut. Just shows how inconsiderate he is, and you are far better off, yes?

Skunkfeathers said...

Hope the eye's better!

I gave up on contacts after going through three pair in 2 months, including the last one on a business trip (an investigative surveillance), when tearing one while cleaning it, leaving me legally incapable of driving LOL. A quick trip to a One Hour Optical there, and I was back to glasses, and there I remain to this day.

Shrinky said...

Oh wow, Jana, I'm trotting over as I type!

You said it, Lola.. Nice to see you, thanks for stopping by!

Akelamalu, I think you may well be on to something there (grin).

Yeah Secret Agent, Little Ally and I go waaaay back!

Aww Suldog, it was fun to catch up anyway, just to find out what happened to half the old crowd we used to run with.

Actually Voyager, it served to confirm I definitely did make the right choice - I have no regrets!

Skunk, I think I'm going to pass up on the lens for any foreseeable future, too..

Chantel said... I think you can actually purchase "holiday insurance" to cover this type of thing? Like for honeymoon disasters and plane highjackings...anaconda attacks...

I think you'd qualify.

billy pilgrim said...

i feel your pain. i got a stick in the eye a while back and it hurt for months after healing.

Matt Conlon said...

I think you should get back in touch with the poor excuse for a man, and set him up with your grape-stealing, self imposing friend. I'd wager they'd get on famously!

Shrinky said...

Chantel, if there were, I wouldn't much rate my no claims bonus when it came up for renewal (grin)!

Billy, tell me it is all good as new, now? I sure hope so.

Matt, you had me laughing out lout at the thought of that - haaaaaaa - priceless!

Land of shimp said...

Oh God in heaven, Shrinky! That's simply not fair!!! Karma demands that the man in question have ever reason to dwell in a world of personal regret and recrimination, and you end up looking like the walking wounded?

I would buy you a very stiff drink, and we'd make rude toast to the fickle, fiddling, ne'er do well that is fate. Gah.

I'm sure you still looked wonderful, and he went home to drown his sorrows, or something equally fitting but oh....that deserves a swear or seven, right?


Plus, shit.