Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Free Monster Fish Give-Away

6am is an ungodly hour to find the morning dark.  Last time I did the school-run, I at least opened my eyes to hear the birds twitter, and a crack of sun filtering through the drapes.

Who crept up and stole the summer away?

My first port of call is a sleep-walk to the shower, where I only open my eyes to find the shampoo/conditioner/shower gel.  I wouldn't even need to do that if the kids quit using my bathroom and moving all my stuff about.  We have plenty of showers in this house, but ever since my shower gained jet pressure, I've found it's mine no more.  

They've taken all the towels, too.

Sighing, tutting and muttering dark curses under my breath, I begin the day with grudges.

It doesn't get any better when I go down to start breakfast.  I discover the bacon has scarpered with the eggs, and taken the last of the bread with it.  

WTF?  I know there was ample left there last night.

My thoughtless, lay-about eldest, of course, he of the hollow legs and eternally ravenous belly, has only swooped in for a midnight fry-up, hasn't he?  I have cupboards spilling over with food, a freezer fully stuffed to the hilt, and enough nuts, crisps and fruit in the kitchen to sit through a three month siege, but seems the only thing to tickle his taste buds last night had to be our breakfast.

Not his.  He sleeps all day.

Grrrrrrrr!  I bite on it, reminding myself there is just one last week to go before he bleeds me dry leaves for University.  I move on to see if he's left us any sausages.


I settle for mixing a pancake batter.

The reason I rise so early is so I can organise everyone to eat and shower (in the only shower they agree to use) without bloodshed, and still make it through the door for 7.30.  This generally also allows time to sign all the forms, cheques, and excuse notes my crew suddenly remember as urgent.  In the car I am briefed on where and at what time I need to ferry the girls and their friends around after school.
(Why can't my kids be couch potatoes, just like me?)

Hubby being off the island, I again find myself expected to be in three places at once, and attempting to break up the threatening riot, I re-allot the more realistic pick-up/collection timetable.

"Yes, I know it's wet, but you won't shrink, now will you?  Anyways, isn't it about time some other parent picked up the slack?" 

Bec shoots me a look of utter disbelief.  "They do jobs, mum!"

Of course, silly me.

I kick kiss the cherubs off to their coach, and drive Sweet Sam and myself home, to drop him to college for ten.

Grateful our Tesco delivery is due today, I peek on-line to see when to expect it.  

That can't be right.

I know I booked it.  I did.  Why is it only showing next weeks delivery date?  

I cannot believe I screwed up the order, is this for real?  I peek again. 

Oh, for the love of God, what a pain in the arse - it's pissing it down with rain and blowing a hurricane gail outside, I do not want to go to Tesco's today. 

Jake agrees, he's up for his run on the beach.

"You'll only blow out to sea, y'know - remember last time you went out in this?"

He doesn't.  Thankfully, I do, so my conscience is untroubled as I push the wonky trolley through the aisles.  Passing the wet fish counter, I remember Matt promised to show me what he can do with a fillet of salmon, and decide to take him up on it.

I know the guy behind the counter, 'cos he's worked there since forever.  His face lights up when I ask for five salmon fillets.

"Nahhh, you don't want that."

"Um, yes, yes I do."

"I can do better than that for you!  Look, this is on special offer today, half price - far cheaper, and it'll give you a lot more than five cuts from it, too."

He thinks he's doing me a favour.  The queue formed behind me seems equally impressed.  Gazing into the ugly eyes of the brute of a salmon thrust before me, I lose all energy to explain my son will NEVER cook that monster.   

Not wishing to appear churlish, I agree to take the bloody thing,  deciding to ditch it in the freezer section as I pass.

Mid-way down the canned goods aisle, a piss-soaked, geriatric dwarf sweet, if fragrant, little old lady hails me.

"I wonder if I could borrow your eyes for a minute, dear?"

(Awww, poor thing, eh?)  "Sure,"  says I, "No problem!"

For the next hour I'm press-ganged persuaded into comparing all the brand prices versus weight content in the store, to select the best value for her.  She even stops to compare goods not on her list.  Towards the end, I have an irresistible urge to snatch her list, stick her and her basket in my trolley, and speed-pick through the final wanted items without her.  Only the real fear of her loosening her bladder over my French Baguette holds me back.

It isn't until I reach the checkout, I realise I've gone and inadvertently bought the sodding gargoyle of a fish, after all.

Matt is still blissfully snoring in his pit when I arrive back at the ranch, only rudely awakened as I thrust his shoes under his nose.  Since two thirds of the shop always disappears down his gullet, the least he can do is unload the car for me.

Mid-way into wrestling Arnold Schwarzenegger of the salmon world into the freezer, the doorbell rings.

It's my Tesco delivery.

The pickers at the supermarket hit "delivered" once they load it on the van - and mine must have been one of the very first orders completed today - that's why it didn't show through as "pending" when I checked.


I'm so busy explaining that, no, I don't want another three hundred quids worth of groceries today, thanks, that I forget I'm meant to be picking up Sweet Sam from college - and when the lightening bolt finally hits me, I realise the van is blocking the drive, and all the trays of shopping this nice Mr. Delivery-Guy has gone and lined up at our door, needs to be re-loaded back into his van before I can set off for him.

ARGHHHHHH!  (Sweet Sam panics if I'm late, and has the memory of an elephant, he'll be reminding me three times daily about this for months to come.)

So intent am I to scoop Sam up from college, I forget about the darned giant fish still rammed half-in, half-out of the freezer, and simply take off, leaving the bottom two shelves of meat wide open to the tender mercies of a pillaging hound.

By the time I discover my error, the mutt is happily polishing off  ice-lolly puddles from the floor, surrounded by ripped open packages of assorted, gnawed lumps of frozen flesh and bone.

And yes, that darned, bloomin' fish still sits safely wedged,  and gaping defiantly out at me from the top of the freezer.  I swear that's an insolent, satisfied grimace on his face.

Sooo, in light of my day, and generous soul that I am, I'm thinking of running a free "give-away" competition, posting him up as the prize.  Maybe I'll pool all your comments into a hat, and draw out the shittiest  luckiest one, what do you say?


Anonymous said...

Thanks but I don't do any food that looks at me. My salmon must be filleted before I let it into the house.

Leslie: said...

You absolutely slay me! Tesco actually took the order back? Wow! And now you'll be cleaning up the sick from the scrounging dog! lol

Joe Cap said...

Now now, Miss Shrinky...that is a lovely fish you have there...
Reading through the perils and valleys of your day reminds me that I had a good one today...I had to the go to the doctor...that was all good..
Then to the dentist...that was NOT good...the things that are happening in my mouth are not good news...
But when I got home, I had a nice nap all to myself...any day with a nap is a good day.
I hope you have a BETTER evening!

Kate said...

Ahh Shrinky. In Texas we say, "bless your heart". Even though I'm not sure what a 'Tesco' is (the UK version of walmarts?) your humor always hits the mark. Now, quit lollygagging and filet the monster fish! Need a photo of the hound, please.

Pat Tillett said...

first off, as to the kids and home stuff...go on strike! they will quickly come around...

Portia said...

What a day for you! That fish sounds pretty amazing! It must have the 9 lives of a cat. Wouldn't you just feel so satisfied to just EAT the damned thing? Take THAT you fish!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! LOL So, wait... Are you giving away the fish? Or the dog??

They deliver groceries there? Thats awesome.

Charlene said...

I hear crickets!

No one wants a prize if the one giving it doesn't want it either!

Pearl said...

I would eat that fish, but only if I had no idea what he looked like. :-)

Really enjoyed this post! You're very funny, aren't you?


Cheeseboy said...

My, my, this is the most insane shopping trip I have ever heard.

Send that fish my way, I'd eat it.

I must now go look up the definition of "churlish"

~Babs said...

OH! I'm almost scared to leave a comment, afraid I might win!

Once while on vacation, our daughter asked if she could order lobster. Being a special occasion we agreed. They brought out the whole dang critter,,on a plate,,,,staring at her.Nasty. She didn't eat.

Your morning routine makes me glad the nest is empty in this tree, and I'm very jealous you can have groceries delivered.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

No fish for me! Allergic. ;-)) What a horrible, no good, very bad day!!! I'm so sorry, dear Carol!!! Hope tomorrow is much better for you!!! Love, Janine XO

secret agent woman said...

Normally, I love fish, but...

Lori said...

Oh my goodness what a day you had. I am sure you were happy when it came to an end. :) I've had days like this and then I just want to hide from everyone. :)

Hope tomorrow is better...and this is one blog giveaway I hope I don't win. LOL :)

Rock Chef said...

That is what you get for not being able to say NO to a salesman ;-)

I can totally understand your rush to pick up Sam - my daughter was just like that, I had to laugh when you wrote about his elephant-like memory!

The old lady was classic! I often get asked to reach things on high shelves, but comparing prices takes it to the next level. This also made me think about the incontinent woman character in Little Britain...

Oh, please don't send me the monster fish - my post always seems to be a day or so late, and I don't want to find any smelly parcels jammed into my letter box right now, OK?

Shrinky said...

Aw Jazz, you are no fun! (Pout)

Oh Leslie, two hours after I posted, he went and hurled all over the bloomin' carpet - he didn't even have the decency to up-chuck on the hardwood floor (sigh)..

Oh boy, Joe, I think I would need a lie down too, if I had to see both a doctor and a dentist on the same day!

Hi Kate, I'm email you some pic's (careful what you wish for)! Tesco is a huge, mainly food, retail supermarket. Don't laugh, in the end I couldn't fit all the darn fish in the freezer, so it's presently lurking in the fridge awaiting surgery.. hmph.

Shrinky said...

Pat, I do go on strike, I ocassionally take off for the odd few days and leave them all to get on with it - and you are right, it always works (for the first day or so)!

Portia, he'll probably attempt to choke me on one of his bones.. but yes, I'll attack him today - wish me luck.

Blue Zoo, I just took it for granted that you guys also had on-line shopping over there, I'm stunned that you don't. All the major food retailer's in the UK offer a home delivery service. I virtually NEVER go to the supermarket now, because I would need to fill two trolley's for my weekly shop, and is far too much hassle. Here's how it works, you log on to the Tesco site, and they keep a record of everything you have ever ordered from them, with photo's alongside every item, so you can see what you're buying. You don't need to scroll through and key in every item to order, you just look in at your previous shop, deleting and adding whatever else you need to, and book your delivery slot - they deliver on the day and time of your choice (there's a two hour window of when it'll arrive) When it arrives, the driver guy carries everything into the kitchen for you, and all the goods are sorted in the right bag - chilled goods all together, freezer goods, etc. If you find say a bruised banana, or a broken egg even after he is gone, you call the free help-line, and get an automatic credit for it. You pay on-line via a credit card that is stored in your account. The entire delivery costs me £3.50, less than the cost of the petrol I would use to drive there and back!

Shrinky said...

Charlene, okay, I guess you have a point (grin).

Hey Pearl, how lovely to see you in here, thanks for stopping by! Peeking in at your site, I'm definitely looking forward to visiting again, too!

Haha, Cheeseboy, you must be one of the bravest bloggers in town! It weighs a lot, so I'm sending it by the most economical method, they tell me it should reach you within ten days.. enjoy!

Oh Babs, at least they didn't make her point to a live one in the tank! That actually happened to me once, I was too mortified to choose a victim..

Aw Janine, I've had worse days (smile). I ended the evening with putting my feet up, and a glass of wine.. amazing the recuperative powers a little pampering has!

Shrinky said...

Secret Agent, I am disappointed in you (wink).

Oh, Lori, you don't fool me, I know you want it REALLY (evil grin)..

Sheesh,Rock Chef, I thought with your culinery skills, you could work wonders with even a slightly past the sell by date fish?? Ah well. Oh, I can see you fully understand why I was so anxious about keeping Sam waiting (hugs). That little old biddy was a master manipulator, believe you me.. she had me jumping though hoops because I felt so sorry for her - she is far more savvy than she likes to pretend (laughing). That Little Britain sketch always had me cringing!

Akelamalu said...

OH Cod, what a disaster! (sorry couldn't resist). Cook everything that's defrosted and then refreeze it - that way at least you'll salvage some of it. :)

Tamara said...

Well, I'd offer to take the fish off your hands for you, but by the time it gets to South Africa, I doubt I'd still think it's a good idea. Nothing quite like receiving a soggy, smelly salmon in the post to make you sick.

TechnoBabe said...

When I lived in California there was a food delivery service and it was great. They even came to the door and put on little booties and brought everything in and put on the counters. As for the fish, if I lived closer to you I would definitely take the fish and cook it and bring some to you and the family. I hope Matt finds a way to cook the fish for a wonderful meal for you all. And tell him please eat cold cereal for his midnight snacks and not the gang's breakfast. Sheesh.

Anonymous said...

"sweet, if fragrant, little old lady hails me" - That might be you some day! (giggle) Just another glamourous day lounging around the Shrinky Shack.

Land of shimp said...

Yay, giant, frozen leering, fishies! Fodder for your nightmares, and a thieving prop for the dog.

You've made me feel much better about my day, Shrinky, which I'm sure is no salve to your soul, but it did me a bit of good. (*ducks incoming shove*)

We are probably distantly related, by the way. Whenever I set foot in the grocery store, I am the person to whom the small of stature, weak of eyeball, and slow of thought are attracted. It's as if they know "Oh good, that woman who can't possibly say 'no' to a fifteen minute chicken hunt has arrived! Tally ho, yoiks! Get 'er!"

Wonderful read, Shrinky and very funny :-) You never fail to make me laugh. Or smile in empathy because, as it happens, my husband and son went fishing this weekend and caught a bunch of HUGE Pike.

Now, the pike out here look like the last thing on this verdant earth that you'd ever want to eat. I'll post a picture at some point, the bloody things look they're going to chow down on Japan at any moment.

Luckily, my husband realized, "Your mother will kill us both dead, and sell the bits off on Ebay if we bring these home."

Now I'm even gladder that that was the case.

May you have perfect day in the offing, to make up for the Attack of the Salmon.

Scott from Oregon said...

You're lucky the dog didn't get into the salmon.

It can give them ""explosive diarrea" and create large murals in your fine house...

BRUNO said...

Have you ever considered a PAYING-job as a "substitute" Drill-Instructor? I think you've got enough "ba..."---nah, we'll change that to GUTS!---for it!

I'm sure your "home-based-force" would agree???

LOVE ya', or HATE-ya', the fact is---they still hafta RESPECT ya'...!!!

It's Time to Live said...

All I ask is a roung trip airfare, room and board and I will take the fish off of your hands. I will even stay long enough to carry in the food next time! :)
You made me laugh today! Thanks.

mythopolis said...

This is too, too funny! I feel ok to say that since I must laugh at myself constantly. Any parent knows with girls in the family, there must be a separate bathroom for each, plus one more, for any and all the guys in the family!

I don't mind if my food looks back at me, but if it talks back to me, I know it needs more time in the oven.

Suldog said...

I thank my God that you are unlikely to actually pay the postage to ship that evil-looking denizen of the deep across the ocean. It is dead, right? It can't swim here of its own accord, I hope.

Kristina Hughes said...

Hilarious post! What a lively day you had! Am still giggling about the "piss soaked, geriatric dwarf" and all your other out-takes! I think you have 2 options:

1) Seek out aforementioned old dear and present the monster to her to coddle in a receptacle of her choice/provide the companionship and loyalty that only a salmon can.
2) Re-house Mr Salmon in your shower for a few days and see if that lessens the interest in your bathroom.

Thanks for making me laugh. xx

mrsnesbitt said...

Life eh? But not as we know it Jim! lol!

Great Carol xxxx as ever and luv to Sam - tis the Gold Cup here in Scarborough on Sunday so Ryan will be over not sure if we are going as Jon may be working - but wjatever the postman will be delivering! lol!


PRH....... said...

A "fishy" tale to say the least! :)

Seriously though, it was a long, hot, summer in Ohio USA....and I'm glad to see it go(no doubt the wife would disagree, since she is back teaching)...Fall is my favorite season, although I admit hating the 6 months of winter than follows.

Stella said...

If I weren't a vegetarian, I'd be ALL in :)

Ami said...

I want that fish!! But here's the catch... (ha, see what I did there... THE CATCH!! HAHAHA)

You must deliver it in person. I want to bake you some brownies and sit down and chat with you.

Fen said...

I seem to be a magnet for fragrant old people, unfortunately my nose is not fond of such fragrance and it normally has me dry heaving quietly to myself!!
Tesco let you send your delivery back? That's pretty good, I think our supermarkets here would make you accept it all!

Joanna Jenkins said...

What a hoot! I love the way you tell a story. I can just picture your schlepping up and down the aisle with that granny. (You are good!)

And thanks, but no thanks on the fish giveaway ;-)

xo jj

Matt Conlon said...

Fish really are so ugly when you get right up in their faces like that, huh? I do so love them though. Ugliest of the tasty foods, with Lobsters definitely leading the charge.

I apologize in advance, but I tagged you in a "meme"... Check it out at the link below if you like, and feel free to ignore it!

Hope all is well. :)

Velvet Over Steel said...

Oh my goosh, you have totally cheered me up tonight. I have been laughing for the last 5 minutes straight while reading your hillarious post!! Absolutely the best post I've read this month!!! You had a very eventfull day! I hope Sam 'forgets' or forgives you soon. He should after the day you had, but I have a son who doesn't like me being late either. He gets stressed. Geezzzz.. :-)

Have a Great weekend & thank you again for sharing your day with us! :-)

Skunkfeathers said...

I currently operate a 'salmon-free zone' after a canned one gave me three days of lower tract misery.

And no, don't try to sneak 'em into my delivered egg rolls ;)

Brian Miller said...

haha. no dont think i want that one...smiles. i do hope today is a better day...

Nancy said...

LOL! Thanks for getting my day off to a good start! Your wit never fails to disappoint, dear Shrinky.

Anonymous said...

So... did you eat it?

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Love you, dear Carol!!! XO

Shen said...

Not everyone can write humor... this is such a wonderful portrayal of a day so normal and yet so off balance. What else can one do but laugh?

Jessica said...

LMAO! I think I have your fishes cousin in my freezer and my kids won't eat him either.
They just eat everything else.

Nick said...

So you have a munchkin off to college, huh? Me too. But our son comes back to visit us each week or so, you know, as they tend to do .... when they run out of money. And we dutifully write out a check, and he’s got it spent before the ink dries. But, we don’t mind do we? We’re happy to do it, we love them, we support them, we want them to graduate and get a good job. But most importantly we do they won’t ever move back home.

Middle Child said...

Its one odd klooking fish thats for sure...stone the crows and starve the bloody lizards - I never had a son -I hear they get very comfortable at home these days...
All I have done today is catch up on blog mates--feed the cats, eat, shower, hang out washing - only my washing - and I feel exhausted, but only after reading your post!