Friday, July 26, 2013

Away With The Faeries

Management have brought complaints to my attention I must up my game.

Apparently, my hairy-legged heroine with the hay-stack hair-do, fell way too far below the minimum "kempt" standard most bloggers expect and demand.  To wit, I'm told as no-one wants to actually read about my sorry personal hygiene problems, my character needs to either glam-up, or be immediately shut-down, with all future blogging privileges withdrawn forthwith.

Harsh, or what?

Soooo, with this borne in mind I hereby present you with

The Further "Scrubbed-Up" Fantasy Adventures Of A Desperate(ly Bored) Housewife

(Note to Management: All effort has been taken to cover any offensive appendages.)

Guess I knew it was only a matter of time before word of my super-powers got out.

In truth, I have tried to play them down some, because, well no one really likes a show off, do they? Still, I guess it was inevitable it would have to come out at some point. I mean, once you've got it, you've got it, haven't you? Be daft not to use it now and then, akin to stashing a billion quid in the house, only to then go stand in line at the soup kitchen.

Still, yes, with a little hindsight, I agree, perhaps I may have chosen a more fit, responsible way to test them out. No bones about it, I am truly very, very sorry.

I apologise.


But I ask you, who ever heard of a Super-hero having to do community service? And as for this ankle-tag nonsense, surely you cannot be serious?



On your own heads be it, then. C'mon, what happens when I need to save the world, and it's past my curfew? Have you really thought this one out? 

Okay, but don't let it be said I never warned you, is all..


I wouldn't mind, but it's hardly as though I actually asked to get set apart from all you common mortals. No-one thought to tap me on the shoulder to ask. A little, "Oh, 'scuse me Missus, how do you fancy me bestowing a few superhuman gifts on you?" might, maybe have come in handy.

I could have said no.

Unlikely, granted, but still, I might have.

They didn't know.

All I'm saying is, it would have been nice to at least have been given the option. But oh no, all I get is, " ZAP!" done deed!

Guess I should have known better than to get mixed up with that bunch of fairies. It all began when I took that sodding picture - you remember, down by Fairy Bridge?

Yeah, that's the one.

Naturally, it got my curiosity up, and I found myself being drawn back there. But for all my hours spent in searching, the fairies never revealed themselves again.

Reluctantly prepared to admit defeat, I finally made one last pilgrimage to lay my gift at the fairy shrine, tied my wish to their tree, and turned for home.

That's when I heard him. Proper foul language he was spouting at that.

'Course, I had no idea what was going on, but the mutt was acting in a real frenzy, I'd never seen him in such a vexed state.
Running over, I see something snagged on his upper canine. The curses and screams mixed together with Jake's snarling confuse me,  and I actually do a double take, believing it's the hound himself there that's doing all the yelling.

And then I see him.

Eyes out on stalks, my jaw gapes. Looped by his belt and snagged to Jake's tooth, is this angry-faced, livid, little creature, being tossed and flung around fit to rattle his every bone.

"Do something ya' great galloping galloot! Call yer fecking flea-bag off, right this minute, ya' gormless, puss-filled, face-ache of a vacant, howling waste o' space, ye.."

Well now, I don't know about you, but I don't respond very well to being spoken to in such tones.

Distressed as he is, there's no excuse for such a stunning lack of manners. Besides, he's certainly ignored me for long enough, hasn't he?  Have I received so much as one simple thank you for all those carefully chosen gifts, lovingly left lying by his shrine?

Ha!  Look, who needs the favour NOW then, eh? 

Grabbing Jake's collar, I calm and settle the little fella' down enough to reach over and pluck the wee guy loose, and raise him by his belt, level to my eye.

Big mistake!

Still kicking and cursing, he lets his fist fly straight, smack-bang into my retina - owowowowowow, that damn-well hurts - yet still I hold him fast (if a little farther away).

"Take yer shiftless, slimy, sticky mitts off a' me, ye stinkin' stream o' steaming sputum.."

Charming, eh?

Still, the little folk are hardly sought out for their polite after-dinner conversation. Everyone knows the catching of a fairy gives out huge rewards, but it's also common knowledge they rarely give up their favours with grace.

It takes several minutes of stern negotiation (the best part involving  ducking him in the river for a bit) before he finally swears to give up my just due.

Satisfied I've won a life-changing prize, I happily set the little fella' free, as once promised, no fairy can ever go back on their word, it's set in stone.

Admittedly, maybe I should have asked him to be a little more specific as to the gifts he'd bestow, but I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to my trust.

I just kinda' assumed it would come in monetary form, y'know?

Not as in a bolt of lightening set to frizzle my being.

Sheesh, what the hell is all that about? 

No sooner have I let go of him, a flash of energy sears through my veins hot enough to rival any giant onset of the menopause, and I find myself soaring way up, up, over twenty foot high, only to plummet down fast and hard, landing slap-splash-crash into the middle of the boulder-strewn river.

Scares  the bejesus out of me, so it does (the wee rat-bag's way of revenge, no doubt)

I want to make it plain, I had no say whatsoever in the powers the warped little sod chose to gift me. Awesome as they may be, would you elect to have the ability to stop the bad guys by fetid stench alone?

It's hardly flattering to be known as the Queen of Skunks, y'know.

I'll have it said, my motives were nothing but pure when I chased down that mugger - how the hell was I to know the whole of Douglas would need evacuating, afterwards?

And another thing, so far as I was aware, I thought that whip he gave me was just a tool to round up the baddies with, no one told me it disabled folk by inflicting instant, multiple ejaculation.

(Eewwwh - pul-ease!)

Still, a girlie has to make the best of things.. I mean, at least the transport looks groovy, eh?

(Further note to Management: Ten cans of super-hold hairspray have been sacrificed to ensure each hair be expertly nailed into place, during the execution of this photograph.)


Rock Chef said...

Do I detect a hint of Emma Peel there?

JeannetteLS said...

You are insane. I like that in a blogger. I had to forward this to my best friend, who is far more wacko than I, of course. Lord, woman! Love it.

Leslie: said...

As JeannetteLS says, You are insane. I like that in a blogger. Actually, I was thinking about if I come to visit, will I end up insane, too? LOL Either that or I'll be greatly entertained.

btw...I want a photo of ME on that motorcycle - I don't care how many cans of hairspray are needed! :D

Ms. A said...

Look at the leather and boots almost to the UH OH! Girl, you got it going on!!!

Ami said...

I think I love you.

Bill Lisleman said...

hot enough ?? Centigrade or Fahrenheit - the heat was turned way up when the whip came out. Before the whip I was thinking more along the lines of Dwarf Tossing which is getting so legal review in Florida.

X. Dell said...

(1) Rock Chef took the thought right out of my head. I was thinking Emma Peel too, when I saw the photograph. But when I read about your superpowers, I thought it might have been more appropriate to have a white stripe down the back of your leather jacket.

(2) By the way, would that make you a relative of The Scarlet Skunk and the All-American Girl? They're friends of mine in New York.

(3) That was no fairy. Judging by his language and attitude, I'd say you picked up Yosemite Sam.

X. Dell said...

No fair, you're posting them too fast.

Regarding your previous post, you'd almost expect just about all segments of society to make themselves obsolescent--even the criminal population.

Stickup Artist said...

Now that I see you are a super-hero biker babe, I may have to rescind my offer of an arm wrestling match for the Gypsy's Night Stand. Yeek!

Brenda said...

SO GOOD! The pictures and the writing. Loved it.

Anonymous said...

You just keep topping yourself! Queen of Skunks!!! (Love those photos!)

Anthony Duce said...

Enjoyed all of this, and the last. Great images too.

Shrinky said...

RC, I wish they'd bring back The Avengers again, wasn't that the best TV series ever?

Shrinky said...

Hey Jeannette, I hear it takes one to know one (wink). Ahhh, thanks bonny lass, you always manage to wrap a smile around my heart!

Shrinky said...

Ooooooooh Leslie, be careful of what you wish for..! Sadly, the bike was only a loaner - but you know how much I love setting up a shoot, tell Cathy to watch out, I have a few plans in store for the pair of you.. (evil snicker)

Shrinky said...

Ms A, the boots were a 50th birthday pressie to cheer myself up (grin). I might have to grow old, but sod all this going down gracefully nonsense!

Shrinky said...

Hey, you do it for me, too Ami (giggle)..!

Shrinky said...

Oh Lisleman, that's been all over the news here, too. Amazing what a bunch of drunken rugby players can dream up to amuse themselves with, isn't it? (Shaking my head)

Shrinky said...

Hi X-Dell,

1. I guess a white stripe is a slight up-grade from the yellow streak I currently wear?

2. I LOVE, love, love The Scarlet Skunk and The All American Girl, why aren't my friends as groovy as them?? I believe the Scarlet Skunk and I were separated at birth (by several thousand miles and a decade or so)..

3. You've obviously never met a Manx fairy before.

Rock Chef said...

It was great, although I never liked The New Avengers (or the movie) for some reason. One of the channels on Sky re-ran the old stuff (Honor Blackman/Diana Rigg/Patrick McNee/no Gareth Hunt) a couple of years ago, so it is still out there.

Shrinky said...

Ach X-Dell, it's the the aliens that'll get us in the end.. (wink)

Shrinky said...

Hey Stick-Up, how great to see you in here, thanks for stopping by! Pshaw, you're a stick-up artist, my whip is no defense against your glue-gun - I give in, the gypsy cabinet is yours!

Shrinky said...

Hi there Brenda, aww, you really make blogging fun, thanks for that, it means a lot!

Shrinky said...

Hi Barbara, I'm glad if I made you smile, writing this nonsense is my way of keeping sane, I'm simply staggered some folk actually do read it, I get a huge kick out of that!

Shrinky said...

Hi Anthony, so glad you stopped by, it's good to see you back again - thanks for the kind words, it's made my day.

Shrinky said...

RC, my favourite Emma Peel was Joanna Lumbley - oh boy, could she deliver a high kick!

Furtheron said...

the wheels look way cool...

given I'm 50 next year surely now I should have my next "mid-life-crises" and get a bike license and buy a Harley and cruise across Kent... oh well I don't really like travelling too far from home :-)

Get ya motor running
Head out on the highway... etc.

mythopolis said...

This was all to scary for me. Something about blonde biker chicks with super-powers freaks me out. I met one once who was a real bombshell. In fact, a real walking time bomb that exploded all over me one night and turned my heart to grilled cheese - turned the whole of my existence into a sandwich she then proceeded to eat I knew then, and far too late, it was The Love Zombie who had taken me for a ride. : )

Shrinky said...

Hey Furtheron, I can see see you now, cruising through all the Kent Countryside - hey, you could ride it to Headcorn and join the sky-dive parachute club I used to belong to!!

Shrinky said...

Haha, Dan, that sounds a crazy enough trip to make a brilliant blog post from - how about it?? This I would love to see..

wishihadakarmaanghia said...

What DO they put in the water on your island?! I must get me some! xxx

Akelamalu said...

Great photo Shrinky. :)

CiCi said...

You just keep getting better and better. You look great on the bike. Really hot. How old do you say you are?

Shrinky said...

Kristina, you'll just have to come over and sample it for yourself (grin)! x

Shrinky said...

Hi there Ake, don't ya' just love PhotoShop?? (Blush..)

Shrinky said...

TechnoBabe, shhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone how many wrinkles I've brushed out - at 51, I'm entitled to fudge it a bit, eh?

AiringMyLaundry said...

Awesome photo. said...

All I could think of was, "Mamma, may I have another!" when looking at all that leather and the boots!

I've lost your email address...please send it to me.


Reena said...

Fun post and great photo!

darkfoam said...

i'm thinking you possibly could make money with that whip ..
some folks might go for that.
i hear that skunk musk is used in certain perfumes. perhaps you could bottle that and sell that too!

see? i'm full of useful advice.

btw, i'm diggin' the boots although they'd come hip high to me.

ps: don't you think it's hard to have a fuzzy pet and keep black clothes pethairless? i do ...