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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Desperate Measures


Ken Ageswell: We interrupt this post to join Katie I'Madorable, live outside the scene of the Shrinky residence. Katie, what can you tell us?


Katie I'Madorable: Hello Ken. Yes, I have with us neighbour and self-confessed close family friend of the Shrinkies, Mrs. Dishthedirt. Tell us, Mrs. Dishthedirt, was there any build-up to this, were any signs missed?


Mrs. Dishthedirt: Thank you Katie, oh yes, there were so many. That poor woman was just crying out for help. I guess it all started months ago.  One Saturday, I was washing up at the kitchen window, and there she was - tearing around her back garden, screaming like a banshee at the top of her lungs. She was clad in nothing but a nightie. I ask you, is that normal? It wasn't the first time, either. I'll be honest, it scared me. I live alone, you know. My husband's left me. It's almost a year now, but the pain is still as if it's only yesterday. I'm not even sure I even want him back, not really - well, not since he moved in with that tart of his, I -


Katie: So she has displayed bizarre behaviour prior to this?


Mrs. Dishthedirt: Oh my, yes! I used to call round there regularly, I saw it first-hand. She started to become reclusive you know, hiding behind the door, pretending to be out, I even found her crouched under the hedge one day. Stress was written all over her face. I said to her, I said, Shrinky, you have got to get a grip dear. What if your husband abandons you? It's possible, you know. Mine did. She has no idea what stress is, not until that happens, believe me,


Katie: Do you have any clue as to what may have triggered this decline? Was there any key factor, any major event you can recall that may have led up this?


Mrs. Dishthedirt: Oh, for sure! She was fine up until she bought that lap-top. That's how she came to fall in with that cult..


Katie: A Cult?


Mrs. Dishthedirt: Yup, that's where it all began. Mark my words. She became a Blogger. It's true. She had no time at all for me after that, dropped me like a hot potato, so she did, just like that worthless shit of a husband of mine,


Katie: Thank you, Mrs. Dishthedirt, I'm afraid we're going to have to leave it here to re-join the studio. Breaking news is coming in.. Ken, is it true Mrs. Shrinky has stated her demands to the negotiator?


Ken Ageswell: Yes, Katie, the police have just released a statement. Dr. Phil is safe and unharmed, he is tired and emotional, but appears to be under no immediate threat of danger. Mrs. Shrinky claims she is very excited about her life, and is completely real about her situation. However, she is still refusing to release him unless he meets with her demands. I have Chief Inspector Lewis joining me. Chief Inspector, thank you for being with us, can you please update us on the current state of affairs?


Chief Inspector Lewis: Yes, thank you, Ken. Mrs.Shrinky has informed us via our negotiator, she will only release Dr. Phil on the sole condition he submits to immediately opening an emergency website from her server.


Ken: Do we have any indication about the nature of this website she's demanding?


Chief Inspector Lewis: It's grim, I'm afraid. She claims she and her fellow bloggers are being discriminated against, and is insisting Dr. Phil enters in to their sect to judge for himself. She also appears concerned at an apparent schism within her group, some of whom are stating Dr. Phil is, and always has been, nothing but a complete and utter charlatan. This is apparently causing Mrs. Shrinky considerable distress, which is why she demands he blog daily for a full week. In return, she promises to eventually turn him loose, when he can then give his own fully unedited and unbiased take, with a frank and honest appraisal of how he personally views their group.


Ken: Oh, that's awful. Brainwashing, eh?


Chief Inspector Lewis: He will be de-briefed, we'll do all we can for him. In the meantime, we are trying to keep the situation as calm and as stable as possible, and are providing as many chocolate biscuits as Mrs. Shrinky, her dog, and Dr. Phil can eat.


Ken: Thank you, Chief Inspector. We will, naturally, be keeping you up-dated with any future events, but for now, this is Ken Ageswell at BBC news, wishing you a safe and blog-free evening.



(If you, or anyone you know have been adversely affected by what you have just viewed, please contact our counselling advice-line at www.http://blogbusters.idiot.com)

43 comments:

Parabolic Muse said...

Oh
My
Heaventy
Sakes!

The Future Was Yesterday said...

Dr. Phil is, and always has been, nothing but a complete and utter charlatan.

I thought we agreed on that years ago!!!!

Cocotte said...

Dr. Phil always seems to state the obvious, in my opinion. Then again, I can't stomach Oprah either!

Rachelle said...

Hi there my sweetie! Hey, I miss you so much!! I'm writing an update today, and then I will begin blogging regularly again!! Can you help? I can't remember all of our old buddies blog sites, could you maybe ask them to drop by and say hi so I can use their links to build my friends list back up?
Love you so muc, can't wait to get going again!!
:*

~Babs said...

Wow, I thought Mrs. Dishthedirt lived right here on our street.
But then, I suppose every neighborhood has one.

Very clever write again,,,Ms Shrinky. What with Dr PILL and all.
:-)

Shrinky said...

Hi Chrissie (laughing)!

Shrinky said...

Ha, yes Dan, I do seem to recall this conversation..(wink)

Shrinky said...

Me neither, Cocotte!

Shrinky said...

Hey Rachelle, that's brilliant news hon, I am sooo chuffed to hear you're re-entering our little blogosphere again - you've been sorely missed girl (hugs)!! Um, sad to say, most of the "old-timer's" have fallen off to pastures new, now. If you look who visits here, most of the names will be new to you. That said, they are a brilliant bunch, I promise if you pay their sites a visit, they will be more than happy to return the favour. Welcome back!!!!!!1

Shrinky said...

Hey there Babs, och, seems that woman has relatives just about everywhere, thesedays(giggle)! Still, s'pose it keeps the likes of Dr. Phil in a job, eh?

X. Dell said...

(1) Ditto The Future was Yesterday.

(2) After living in New York for twenty years, a woman screaming outdoors in her nightie happens just about every night. But no one there has a garden, so you're right. That would be unusual.

(3) I think I have a handle on why Mrs. Dishthedirt's husband left.

(4) If we are becoming a cult, I suggest that we organize it so that it's more profitable.

Shrinky said...

Gaaawd X-Dell, you sure do give good comment! I swear these observations of yours are far funnier than my entire post - thanks for making me chuckle.

Shammickite said...

Perhaps Dr Phil could go next door and have a nice chat to Mrs Dishthedirt. I think they are made for each other.

Shrinky said...

Oh Shammickite, I think you are onto something here.. (grin)

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL...PLEASE, keep Dr. Phil locked up for about ten years ....! AND PLEASE, Do Not Allow Him To TAPE His TV Show....!

BTW: "fiction books" left a comment on my blog saying that her brother told her these Open Air Screenings of Old Films are getting VERY POPULAR in LONDON!! So somewhere in the UK they are on to this fun 'happening'.

Helen said...

Thanks for the visit and your comment ... I'm going to enjoy reading your blog!!

Shrinky said...

Hmph, typical! The minute I leave London (yeah, alright, ten years ago) they go and bloomin' well decide to screen open air movies without me.. sigh. Ah well, maybe one day, eh?

Oh, and sorry, Dr. Phil escaped (updates in my next post)!

lisleman said...

sometime ago I thought of starting a blog gang (big words and all) but now I think a cult would be much more appealing.
I guess Mrs. Dishthedirt will not leaving any comments - too bad since dirt is fun to examine.
It would be grand (Brits still say that?) if this funny post was added to my next LLL post.

Before you ask, I don't know when the next LLL will be. Probably early September.

Tabor said...

You are such a silly and fun person! thanks for stopping by my blog and I will try to add you to my list of blogs I follow if the hurricane does not take my electricty! REgarding fig tree, they are pretty hardy and grow here in Maryland where we get some nasty winters. Good luck.

Skunkfeathers said...

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with the conduct at the Shrinky Palace ;-)

Shrinky said...

Oooooh, me, me, me (jumping up and down with my hand in the air), can I please come join your cult, Lisleman?? We'll call it LLL, yeah? You can count me in, I am so excited..!!

Shrinky said...

Hi there Tabor, how lovely to see you in here, welcome aboard! I am DEFINITELY going to follow up on that fig tree idea, just watch this space.. (grin) I look forward to visiting with you more, and am so glad to make your aquaintance!

Shrinky said...

Skunk, you are a scholar and a gentleman, Sir! (I could use a few more bullets, if you don't mind posting a few on?)

Suldog said...

Absolutely love this. Spot on.

Middle Child said...

And where will it all end I ask you...?

Middle Child said...

And where will it all end I ask you...?

Pat Tillett said...

I shouldn't have read the second part first. Now that I've read both, I'm even more exhausted! Great and funny post!

mythopolis said...

Reverend Mythopolis here. It is because of distressed bloggers such as yourself that we have begun our Missionary Blog Outreach Crusade. Won't you make a donation today and help these hapless cyber-souls? Make your check out today to me directly, or send cash (unmarked bills only). Hallelujah, praise the Blog. Amen

Rock Chef said...

Love it!

Will Dr Phil experience Stockholm Syndrome, I wonder?

Anonymous said...

Unknown message

Akelamalu said...

I was away from 5th August, just for a few days I thought but I seem to have lost a few weeks as this post is dated 4th September!!! What have you done?????? BTW Dr Phil needs to see a doctor. ;)

Jinksy said...

OMG! I have landed in a time warp universe. September already? I've only made it to half way through August, but reading of these shenanigans 'to come', perhaps that's just as well... ♥

Suldog said...

You're blogging from the future! That ought to shut up that Dr. Phil!

X. Dell said...

Talk about The Future Was Yesterday. I seem to be reading old posts that I've already commented on years ago. Yet they're dated a week into my future.

True, computers are a quantum technology. But I didn't realize the time-travel possibilities.

Well, I'm off to check on the winning lottery numbers. Have fun on your craggy island.

Bone said...

I'm so behind! I'm gonna have to clear out some space this weekend to catch up.

Glad to see you back!

bill lisleman said...

Dishthedirt - I'm thinking it should be dishtheoldpost.
Nothing wrong with using an old post. In fact word recycling should be promoted. I just find or don't understand the way you re-posted this. It didn't show up in my reader.
I typically do a cut and paste job on the old post.
Oh the post was new to me and very funny but unless there are many comments awaiting approval I don't think many readers know you reposted it.

Brighid said...

Desperate times call for Desperate Measures...
Quite sure I'm neither a fan of Dr? Phil or the Ohpra/Obama.
What a funny post! ROFLMAO
ps: your neighbor's xhubby is living in lala land s. cali.

Rock Chef said...

Dammn it! Blogger is telling me that you have not posted for 6 months!

Got some catching up to do!

Suldog said...

Love you, as always. Please write some more! You tell a great tale; I've told you that before, and it still holds. I miss being able to come here more often for good reads...

Suldog said...

Please grace us with your great writing again. I hope all is well.

Margaret Benbow said...

Shrinky--A horse's backside like Dr. Phil has no need of chocolate biscuits, stop indulging him immediately!!! Also be aware he will shamelessly use all of his hypnotic seductive male beauty to win you over...stay strong Shrinky , we in Wisconsin are rooting for you!!!!

Grayquill said...

Oh my...how did I miss this? Oh I know I escaped the cult.
That was pretty gosh darn funny
miss you

Les Becker said...

I miss you... :'(