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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Things my Mother Forgot to Mention


Well the mouse problem is solved. Found Jimmy, fossilised, as I moved the sofa out to fix the curtain. Probably died of gluttony. The girls buried him in a plot next to the goldfish. They love a good funeral.

I did lots of boring bits today; prepared the evening roast, fixed the vacuum so it actually picks up the dirt now, took the dog to the beach (so he could gather more sand in his coat to sabotage the vacuum again), hid the good bits of the supermarket delivery from my brood (so it can last out the week), and sorted through the weekly wash load.

Trouble is, I'll only have to repeat most of the above (in slight variation) all over again, tomorrow.

It's pretty hard to feel any lasting sense of achievement.

So I checked the lotto, no jackpot waiting. Checked my blog, no book deal offered. Checked the bills, no money left. Fed up checking. Obviously, plan of sitting around, waiting to be rescued has dismally failed.

So I've drawn up a list of other possible avenues:

1) Rob a bank. This could have one of two possible scenarios. a) I'll be rich, and manage to employ someone else to fix the vacuum, or b) I'll be locked up for a very long time, and someone else will have to fix the vacuum.

2) Have a lobotomy, thus becoming not only incapable of fixing vacuum, but gain the advantage of being beyond caring.

3) Bin the vacuum every fourth Sunday, and purchase a new one. Bankruptcy might follow, leading to divorce, and children taken into care. I would no longer have a house, nor the need for a vacuum.

4) Teach every other family member how to fix vacuum, and learn to loudly nag, threaten, and blackmail better. (Probably less exhausting, to just fix the damned vacuum myself.)

5) Shave dog, thus eliminating cause to fix vacuum.

6) Bin all rugs/carpets, buy sweeping brush.

7) Throw vacuum out, live in splendid squalor.

Not sure which one to opt for yet, all but no.4, seem pretty appealing.

(Do you think it's called a vacuum because that's what using it turns your brain in to??)

Anyway, thanks for the chat, but I can't stop on here all day - I've got four shitty loo's, and a blocked up sink calling.. catch 'ya later.

23 comments:

Eternally Distracted said...

I reckon you're doing number 4 already ;0)

She Writes said...

You crack me up!

jay said...

So, you're not keen on fixing the vacuum then? LOL! I hear ya. Household chores are bad enough without the appliances going wrong!

Kristina Hughes said...

I love it! But feel you left out a couple of options:
8) Shrink wrap the dog - how could you forget this one?!
9) Live in a wind tunnel with a large filter at one end
10) Take a leaf out of my book and pretend to self and others that carpets that consist of more dog hair than carpet are very 2010.
11) Occasionally purchase several rolls of masking tape and apply to whole house and then swiftly rip off in a Brazilian manner - the end result is a marvel!
Alternatively, count me in on the bank robbery! x

Debbie said...

That is so funny! Avoid housework at all costs.

chewy said...

Your vacuum sucks... er... doesn't suck. Get one of those new fangdangled robot vacuums. LOVE YOUR POST. Now get to the loos!

simon said...

ahahahahah- sounds like us!

Shrinky said...

Hi Eternal, it's not working, maybe doing a runner might??

Hey Amy, I'm tring to be SERIOUS here (wink)!!

Yeah Jay, I never realised marriage and kids would turn me into Dobbie the House-slave, s'just not right, is it?

Hahaha, Kristina, you and I are obviously wasted in our role of house-frau, lets break loose and do a "Thelma and Louise" together - we can rob the bank, en-route!

I try to Debbie, believe me, I do. Sigh..

Hmph. Chewy, you're a sadist, but you already know this, right?

Simon, I just KNEW I couldn't be alone on this - high five!

Suldog said...

Can you teach the dog to suck?

mrsnesbitt said...

Oh yes I am with you on this one! Our hoover has a very sensitive fanbelt ofcourse hubby is the only one who can physically stretch a belt in the way electrolux demands, he always says it is me being too rough! Hmm well he hoovered this weekend and yep it went again, hubby's response, it was taking the pi**! Love his scientific reasoning! lol!

Scott from Oregon said...

The preacher's son was asked by the other kids to perform last rights on a canary.

As the bird was ceremoniously lowered into the ground, the preacher kid, having heard his father countless times, utter " And of the father, and the son, and into the hole he goes..."

piktor said...

I don't know if you've been told this but, save your posts. They make great reading and maybe one day you can put together a book.

This is a blog that I admire Elegia

piktor said...

Forgot to tell you I have a new post!

Shrinky said...

Oh Jim, he hoovers everything up, unfortunately, he also regurgitates it minutes later..

Ah Denise, you can't argue with logic like that, can you? (Smile)

Scott, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, funny! (Big grin) Sadly, all my "heaven" jokes are a wee bit too unsuitable for print..

Oh Piktor, what a lovely thing to say! And thanks for the link (smile), any friend of yours..

piktor said...

I just happen to admire Elegia's collages.

Here's another stunner

Shrinky said...

Piktor, I can understand why you enjoy this "stunner", like Elegia, she apears very talented, and wholly original, thanks for the nod!

Rachel said...

ha! this has definitely helped with my 40 days of positivity! laughed out loud in a very quiet library at the mouse story...

Sandy Kessler said...

no wonder you go off inthe creative realm ," me and my miehle strolling through the house just me and my miehle ."I have one also

Catmoves said...

Shrinky ole pal. I have been watching a show on the telly that is titled simply "Cats". (I'm fairly sure some wanna be TV writer spent several days thinking that one up since the show does consist of cats. Period.
Anyway, as in all these kinds of shows, they have human owners of some of the beauts talking about their flea collectors. One lady (I think she was from California, because it would fit) cuts cat hair for other people. She started a business of saving the long hair from own cats, bought a spinning wheel and spun the cat's fur into various items (purses, coin holders, etc., etc.) and now she sells it back to the owners who seem to be only too happy to purchase their own pet's fur from her after it becomes a thingee from their own cat.
There is no accounting for taste, eh?

Fen said...

I say shave the dog and have a lobotomy! There's something appealing about not having the brain power to care anymore!

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lisleman said...

I'm grateful that you linked this up on LLL because 1 - it's funny. 2 - it corrected my image of you being a lady of luxury.

traci's mixed bag said...

Here from LLL. You had me at fix the vacuum. I guess it's more exciting to me than you since you do it all the time. I love your list, I can definitely relate. Although I just watched an episode of hoarders this morning so any desire to live in splendid squalor always gets alleviated by that show.