Pages

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Knot Funny


Friday afternoon when the doorbell rang, my heart went thunk in to my fluffy slippers 'cos I knew I wasn't expecting anyone.

Figuring Nutty Nora had got bored again, I grudingly prepared myself to be lumbered.   There's no sense hiding, my car gives me away.

But as it turned out it wasn't her after all, it was this big, slightly tussled looking, smiley-woman, and although she appeared to know exactly who I was, I hadn't a foggiest clue as to who in the hell she might be, but she sure looked to have been hitting the happy pills.


Guess I need to backtrack a bit.

Sometime back in April (I think) I was sitting stuck behind a van at the traffic lights. It advertised dog-grooming services with a phone number displayed. I memorised it, never having a pen when needed, and called them (well okay, her) when I got home.

Thing is, Jake's bloomers are in a bit of a mess - his bum region has got more knots in it than a Swiss log cabin.  Truth is, I worry it might get to the point of his arse sealing up altogether..

No, it's not that I don't groom him, I do (sometimes), and with a lot of persuasion and the odd little threat, I can usually lug him in to the downstairs shower with me if he really needs a wash, but try as I might, I can't get his backside to unknot except with scissors, and he looks daft walking around in a semi-Brazilian.  Totally undignified.

So anyways, I explained the problem and asked her to book him in. Would you believe the first available appointment she had wasn't until yesterday? Little wonder I'd forgotten!  

Good job I hardly ever go anywhere isn't it? Which takes us back to Mrs. Smiley-Woman. She has her whole salon set up in the back of that van of hers; bath tub, hoists, grooming table, the works. Incredible, but true.  

So I did as bid and led Jake around, freed up a couple of power-points in the garage, and left them to it. Jake being Jake, I knew he wouldn't believe his luck, like his owner he's hardly a one to pass up on a pamper. Assuring her she could do what she liked with him, I took myself off indoors.


I wasn't in the house for hardly all of two minutes before the phone went. It was her, giggling that she needed me. Off I trot to see what's up.


She blithely informs me, "This isn't working."


"Huh?"


"He's too heavy for the dog-hoist."


Now, I admit he likes his scraps, but he's no Saint Bernard. Besides, she knew he was a Golden Retriever before she got here. No matter, I wasn't too fussed about a shampoo, he has his daily swim at the beach.


"Fair enough," I said, "I just want you to sort his bloomers out, really."

"Ah," She laughs, "That's the problem, see he won't fit on the grooming table either.."


WHAT? How many years has she been at this job? Lord knows, she certainly appears to have a full enough diary. Besides, who needs a grooming table when you can take him indoors and do him on the floor? Smiley-woman finds this hilarious.


"Oh no, dear, see I have this dodgy knee.."


Silly me. Her constant grinning is starting to get right up my.. well, let's just say I'm beginning to get mildly irritated. Having waited months for this, you could say I'm starting to feel a tad disappointed.

"Well, how about if he lies on the sofa then?"

More fits of laughter, "Ah, I'm afraid that wouldn't work on account of my weak back. It would be certain to set it off again. I just didn't realise he'd be so big."

So now it's official, he's a freak of nature. Even the alleged professional dog-groomer of a zillion years confirms it, seems he's more part pony than dog.

I could finish this post by giving you a blow by blow account of the hysterically amusing tale of how Mrs. Smiley-Face came by both her dodgy knee and her weak back, but I'm not so sure you would laugh quite as hard as she did over the lengthy recounting of it.


Long story short suffice it to say, vanity be damned, after having had a small talk with the scissors, Jake now sports a chilly but knot-free, full Brazillian - and what's more, he didn't need to wait months for it either, and nor has it cost me so much as a single farthing.

Hey, maybe I should consider plugging this obvious wide gap in our market, and set myself up as a professional BIG dog groomer? 

41 comments:

mythopolis said...

Poor Jake! Discriminated against like that. How humiliating. My dog would share a similar fate I suppose. And her issues are beyond knots. The long hair around her rump has become matted in dreadlocks, and she won't let me fool around with them. Like they are some status symbol of hers. I have to sneak up on her when she is asleep, and even then, I am lucky if I can even snip one dread off before she wakes and goes running away!!

Shammickite said...

A travelling dog groomer.... well what will they think of next! Great idea, but perhaps Mrs Smiley-Face should briing Mr Smiley-face with her next time to save her dodgey knee. But there won't be a next time will there... you managed perfectly well on your own and Jake survived it just fine. But he may find it a bit drafty around the nether regions for a while, that's all.

Akelamalu said...

Glad you got Jake sorted out. LOL

Shrinky said...

Kind of puts our own body hair into perspective, doesn't it Dan? (Giggle)

Shrinky said...

Thankfully Shammickite, Jake has no pride..!

Shrinky said...

Yeah, 'til next time Ake.

The Kid In The Front Row said...

You write with such freedom and simplicity -- I love it!

Hope all is well with you, it's been a while.

jabblog said...

It's amazing she has any clients at all!!

Barbara Shallue said...

How frustrating - especially with all the smiling and the long wait! You'd think she'd know to ask about size and weight! Good thing you hadn't remembered and didn't disrupt any plans to be there for her!

Nita Davis said...

Oh my, the mental picture of poor Jake with a full Brazilian... hehe
Mobile dog groomers do a very good business here. The businesses that really get me raising my eyebrows are the Dog Taxi's (yes, you call and they pick up your dog and take them to doggy daycare, vet or groomers) and of course I have to shake my head at the Doggy Deli (it is a restaurant for dogs, I kid you not). Thanks for visiting Artistic Composition and for you comment, Oregon is a beautiful place to live and raise children.

Brian Miller said...

oy, well glad you got it sorted...are you sure on this groomers credentials?

MarkD60 said...

I see one of those vans here, but have never called.
She must be one of those dog groomers where you have to carry your teeny dog out in your purse to her van.
Doggie hoist? We just say "Jump UP!" and they'll bound up on anything!

mythopolis said...

Yes, I must protect my body hair at all costs! Remember what happened to Samson? They cut his hair and he turned into a wimp. By the time he grew it back out he was in a really bad mood and went on a rampage. Oh, and another thing.."you can do anything you that wanna do, but honey, lay off of my blue seude shoes!" -Elvis And look what happened to Elvis after he got drafted. they buzzed his locks off, and he returned to society, a mere shadow of his former self. (shudder...)

The Tame Lion said...

We all are always here to support you.

altadenahiker said...

Well THAT was theater of the absurd. Your frustration is my laugh -- Including the part about Jake's full Brazilian.

X. Dell said...

Hmmm. Perhaps the next time you might get a groomer with good knees, good feet, and better references.

I did get the impression, when I saw a picture of the two of you together, that either you're really tiny, or that dog is somewhat large.

Well, at least you got the knots out. And the dog won't mind. Besides, the hair will grow back.

Shrinky said...

Hi there Kid, how lovely to see you again, and thank you for those kind words, it means a lot! Hope life is treating you well? I must pop over for a catch up.

Shrinky said...

I couldn't agree more, Jablog!

Shrinky said...

That's the thing, Barbara, she KNEW well before arriving what breed Jake is (shaking my head)..

Shrinky said...

Taxi's and restaurants for DOGS, Nita? world's gone mad!

Shrinky said...

Well, not now, Brian - but considering she's set herself up in business, complete with a fully kitted-out and purpose built van for it, you just kind of ASSUME she would know what she's about, y'know?

Shrinky said...

Haha, yes Mark, maybe she should advertise MINATURE DOG grooming? Alas, poor Jake has a touch of rhumatism in his hind legs, he's not as young as he used to be - I even have to use a ramp to get him up into our car these days.

Shrinky said...

Yeah Dan, but I doubt Sampson and Elvis were harmed by trimming their nasal and ear hair.. trust me, you can do it (giggle)!

Shrinky said...

Er, um, cheers Tame Lion, that's very comforting, I'm sure..

Shrinky said...

Hi Altadenahiker, it was all a bit surreal, really, totally absurd (grin).

Shrinky said...

Ha, I think I know the photo you are referring to, X-Dell, and yeah, although I am 5'7'', it's true he weighs heavier than me, if he steps on your toes, you know about it! I've given up on dog-groomers for now.

Rock Chef said...

Once dogs get past a certain size, people think of them as huge. People often say that Custard is fat - he isn't, he just looks it. The vet's don't even attempts to lift him onto the table for examinations, they just get down on the floor with him. Thinking about it, they do that with Frou Frou too, and she is tiny! Maybe they just like rolling on the floor with dogs!

Maybe your groomer should go back to Yorkies and Poodles?

Suldog said...

You're such a damn good writer. Always a joy to stop by here and read you, no matter what the subject.

Shrinky said...

Now you come to mention it, RC, our vet never even considers lifting Jake up onto her table, either - it's plain daft to try and get him up there!

Shrinky said...

Aw Jim, you sure know how to brighten my day (grin)..!

Sabi Sunshine said...

Hey Dear,

I love the new look of your blog. Sorry i have been lately so busy that didnt get a chance to visit sooner. I love the pic .. so cool it keeps in very peace mood.

Love
Sabi Sunshine

Shrinky said...

Thank you, Sabi, I took that pic in the early evening last summer at Peel beach, when I had gone on a local ghost walk (smile). Hope all is well with you and yours?

X. Dell said...

5'7"? Hmmm. How did you get the nickname 'Shrinky'?

Debra said...

Oh Jake:( You deserve to be pampered just as much as the next pup even if you are a bit size-challenged! The groomer really should have asked you about Jake's size before scheduling an appt. I mean, of course you can make him look handsome but I am sure that the reason that you were going to have someone else do it was so that you would not have to!

Hugs,
Debbie

Shrinky said...

X-Dell, folk just abreviated my blog title (Shrink Wrapped Scream) to Shrinky, and I guess it kinda' stuck (grin). Actually, I'm 5'10in my heels!

Shrinky said...

Hi Debra, ha, yeah poor old Jake, not his fault he's a giant, eh? But get this - she DID know the breed before she turfed up, as I'd made a point of telling her (shrug)..

Cricket said...

Ah. A dog with a Brazilian? It was all I could do to choke down that mouthful of coffee rather than spit it all over the computer. Heh, heh. Now there's an image that will stick with me. Thanks for the morning laugh(s).

And the damn-fool groomer tale... what was she thinking? I get that feeling sometimes with tradesfolk myself. You do actually do this for a living, right?

A day to visit, not to write, for me. The only posts in my head for now are political, and I'm not in the mood. As much as I write about politics, I rarely enjoy it.

Hope all has been well. I'm still struggling to make a return. Where is Autumn? I depend on the cold weather for a burst of energy and renewal. So far, nothing.

Shrinky said...

Aw Cricket, we all have spells like that, it'll pass - I sure hope so, as I do so enjoy the posts you publish! When I hit a dry spell, I'm not adverse to re-posting some of my older stuff, readers change, and the ones who've stuck with me are very forgiving (thank goodness).

Skunkfeathers said...

There you have it...a dog that defies a "professional" (albeit, a pithy one, to be sure).

A pair of scissors and a bit of self-pluck can deknot anything ;-)

Pat Tillett said...

Being large does have it's problems. Once when I was in a crowded elevator in Japan, it wouldn't budge and a too much wieght signal sounded. Everybody looked at me.

Middle Child said...

What a stuoid woman - many dogs are that size - did you have to pay her????