Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday afternoon when the doorbell rang, my heart went thunk in to my fluffy slippers 'cos I knew I wasn't expecting anyone.
Figuring Nutty Nora had got bored again, I grudingly prepared myself to be lumbered. There's no sense hiding, my car gives me away.
But as it turned out it wasn't her after all, it was this big, slightly tussled looking, smiley-woman, and although she appeared to know exactly who I was, I hadn't a foggiest clue as to who in the hell she might be, but she sure looked to have been hitting the happy pills.
Guess I need to backtrack a bit.
Sometime back in April (I think) I was sitting stuck behind a van at the traffic lights. It advertised dog-grooming services with a phone number displayed. I memorised it, never having a pen when needed, and called them (well okay, her) when I got home.
Thing is, Jake's bloomers are in a bit of a mess - his bum region has got more knots in it than a Swiss log cabin. Truth is, I worry it might get to the point of his arse sealing up altogether..
No, it's not that I don't groom him, I do (sometimes), and with a lot of persuasion and the odd little threat, I can usually lug him in to the downstairs shower with me if he really needs a wash, but try as I might, I can't get his backside to unknot except with scissors, and he looks daft walking around in a semi-Brazilian. Totally undignified.
So anyways, I explained the problem and asked her to book him in. Would you believe the first available appointment she had wasn't until yesterday? Little wonder I'd forgotten!
Good job I hardly ever go anywhere isn't it? Which takes us back to Mrs. Smiley-Woman. She has her whole salon set up in the back of that van of hers; bath tub, hoists, grooming table, the works. Incredible, but true.
So I did as bid and led Jake around, freed up a couple of power-points in the garage, and left them to it. Jake being Jake, I knew he wouldn't believe his luck, like his owner he's hardly a one to pass up on a pamper. Assuring her she could do what she liked with him, I took myself off indoors.
I wasn't in the house for hardly all of two minutes before the phone went. It was her, giggling that she needed me. Off I trot to see what's up.
She blithely informs me, "This isn't working."
"He's too heavy for the dog-hoist."
Now, I admit he likes his scraps, but he's no Saint Bernard. Besides, she knew he was a Golden Retriever before she got here. No matter, I wasn't too fussed about a shampoo, he has his daily swim at the beach.
"Fair enough," I said, "I just want you to sort his bloomers out, really."
"Ah," She laughs, "That's the problem, see he won't fit on the grooming table either.."
WHAT? How many years has she been at this job? Lord knows, she certainly appears to have a full enough diary. Besides, who needs a grooming table when you can take him indoors and do him on the floor? Smiley-woman finds this hilarious.
"Oh no, dear, see I have this dodgy knee.."
Silly me. Her constant grinning is starting to get right up my.. well, let's just say I'm beginning to get mildly irritated. Having waited months for this, you could say I'm starting to feel a tad disappointed.
"Well, how about if he lies on the sofa then?"
More fits of laughter, "Ah, I'm afraid that wouldn't work on account of my weak back. It would be certain to set it off again. I just didn't realise he'd be so big."
So now it's official, he's a freak of nature. Even the alleged professional dog-groomer of a zillion years confirms it, seems he's more part pony than dog.
I could finish this post by giving you a blow by blow account of the hysterically amusing tale of how Mrs. Smiley-Face came by both her dodgy knee and her weak back, but I'm not so sure you would laugh quite as hard as she did over the lengthy recounting of it.
Long story short suffice it to say, vanity be damned, after having had a small talk with the scissors, Jake now sports a chilly but knot-free, full Brazillian - and what's more, he didn't need to wait months for it either, and nor has it cost me so much as a single farthing.
Hey, maybe I should consider plugging this obvious wide gap in our market, and set myself up as a professional BIG dog groomer?