Sick Bunny

"Huh?"

"I said I don't feel well"

Undeterred, ever hopeful for his early morning birthday bonus, hubby unwisely points out the bright side, "You know, your voice sounds really sexy, when it's all raspy like that.."

Catching the look I throw fit to drop an elephant, he deflates. "What? What did I say?"

I'm too busy hacking my lungs up to answer. Sheesh, this is bad. I sit up and spit a few green lumps of what feels like semi-digested bone out onto the tissue (yeah, I admit to it, I peeked). Nice. Still, at least it was serving to cool hubby's ardour. Poor lad. It is his birthday, and we are on holiday, but as it simply hurts like hell for me to even breathe at this point, he's gonna' just have to do with the promise of birthday cake for now. I scoot up and pad to the loo, which is where I suddenly have to stop to quell a scream. (NB. Cystitis, to all you uninitiated males amongst us, is the female equivalent of having to pee with a scalding red hot poker up your privates. Naturally, this is a long drawn out, stop and start process, being as how you instinctively need to clench every second or two in order to cease with the torture - tell them, am I right, or am I right here, girls?)

Thing is, I don't ordinarily get chest infections, and I've never been particularly prone to cystitis either. To get both at the same time was nothing short of shameful, especially since I'm meant to be sunning it up on a beach in Greece. And get a hold of this, as if I wasn't already sorry enough for myself, in the shower I only go and discover I've been stricken down by yet another dreaded lurgy. Approximately eight inches south from my left armpit, what do I find but this huge, pustulating third nipple. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!! Well, that's what it looked like.

It was a boil, a bloody great boil!! And it hurt. A lot. Then I found another one on my right hip. Shit, could life get any better?

I don't even get boils. Talk about unfair!

Naturally, I couldn't fasten a bra around a boil, and my nether regions needed as much fresh air as a frock could allow, so I resigned myself to going commando over the next few days. What I really needed was some serious medication. A word to the wise here folks, never point at your fanny and wink at a Greek Pharmacist, too much gets lost in the translation. Without hubby with me, it may well have turned hairy.. In lieu of cough medicine I was given Lemsip, and in place of a lusty Vicks Nasal spray I was handed a paltry eucalyptus stick to ram up my nose. I politely declined the proffered box of tampons.

Okay, it was far from perfect, but with double strength Lemsips every four hours, carrying that fetching plug up my nose, and with no painful undies threatening to lance my boils, life was slightly improved. Now, if only I could sit on my bum without squirming, I might even make it through to the end of the holiday without being arrested for cussing.. helpful hubby to the rescue.

"Hey, isn't yogurt meant to be good for that?"

(Yes, yes I know NOW that that is for Thrush, not Cystitis, it's just a pity you weren't there with me at the time to tell me about that, isn't it? I was desperate enough to try anything at this point.) Sadly, the restaurant didn't dispense any syringes with their yogurts, but I was game anyway. Hubby helped. A little squelchy, and exceedingly messy, he promised me an application every two hours or so would make a world of difference. Sadly, he didn't say to whom. Ah well. It was worth a shot. I finally resigned myself to hijacking the youngest's inflatable and surrounding myself with an aura of "Touch me and you die". It somehow got me through.

Once back in Old Blighty again, I finally found the Doc. Jeez, look! I really was ill. (Told you so.) Not only am I on a course of antibiotics, I'm on steroids and a ventilator too, not to mention awaiting the results of blood tests. Did I mention I actually passed out cold this morning.. ? I bloomin' well did, y'know!

So come on my friends, give me sympathy please, and lots of it too. (Hey, I'm giving my most brave and pathetic smile, cut me some slack here)!