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Friday, July 8, 2011

Who Needs Collagen?



Hey kids, gather round, I want to share something here.


Turning back the ravishes of time is painful, expensive, and doesn't work. Oh yeah, you bright young things can laugh all you like, just wait and see, one day you too will wake up to wonder who dared to replace your face with that worn out mask of your mothers.


S'not nice getting saggier and baggier, in fact it's downright depressing. Well, that's my excuse. Anyways, I wasn't exactly out actively looking for the fountain of youth, was I?  But if it's thrust out on a golden platter, who am I to refuse?

Admittedly in hindsight, perhaps I should have exercised more caution, especially considering the last time I fell foul of a beauty "freebie" in exchange for a full advertising "before and after" spread.


That was when my hairdressing salon bribed me to give them full Carte-Blanche with my hair, a regrettable enough experience, without the added injury of having to see it plastered all over the local weekly rag to every one's amusement. But you see, memory fades and hair grows back, I am a trusting soul at heart, not to mention the eternal optimist.


So when my dentist had me under the drill, (perhaps it was also under the influence of the Novocaine, who knows?) I naively found myself agreeing to play Guinea Pig to her giving me a free shot or two of Botox. All she wanted in return was for me to come back in a week or two's time to do the "after" shots for her portfolio. Although I guess you could've argued she was definitely cheating a lot - well, these before shots were hardly at my most flattering, she had me all numbed up and swollen in this over sized, frozen grimace, didn't she?   But hell, I'm not proud, did I care?


Oh, come on now, we're talking a free couple of hundred quids worth of treatment here, are you telling me you wouldn't have grabbed it with both hands?


Sadly, most of the injections being aimed around my forehead and eyes, few had the benefit of the anesthetic, but hey,  no gain without pain, eh? I laid back and suffered in the gallant name of beauty, taking all she had to give (and then some).

(Ow.)


Telling me not to look in the mirror for the next couple of days she happily ushered me out, on the firm assurance the shots would need a little time to "settle" in first. So it was I exited her surgery as Quasimodo, eagerly hoping to soon return as Esmeralda.


Hmmmn. No fool like an old fool, is there?


She went through the motions, but I am pretty sure I never made it into her portfolio. Instead of lifting my brow, it had the very opposite effect, I walked around for over three months with a permanent scowl, deep, hooded sockets, and appearing to give every unfortunate I tripped across the evil eye. Animals and small children bolted in fright, I'd aged well over twenty years.

Hubby thought it hysterical.


I took this lesson to heart, and vowed to quit kidding myself - age is inevitable, unpalatable or not, no one stays young forever.


Or do they..??? (Insert mysterious smile.)


Something miraculous happened last night. 

Why, if I weren't such an altruistic little soul, I might even be tempted to keep schtoom, and go on to market this discovery for my own fame and fortune (aw, who am I tryin' to kid? I can't keep a secret to save my life).


Mid-way through watching "Luther" on the telly, I got a severe case the "snibblies". The "snibblies", as I am sure you know, is when you are not at all hungry, but are still compelled to feed on something. Anything will do, it's just the motion of satisfying your taste-buds, isn't it? When the ad's came on, I went off for a rummage. The choice was sadly lacking, faced with either a bowl of muesli or one of the kids pouches of Sun-Capri orange juice, I opted for the latter.

Actually, it was rather nice. 

I went back for a second one.


And a third.

                          _________________________


"What the fuck..?""


Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think that's any greeting to give your wife when you turn to her for a goodnight kiss.


"What's your problem?" I found myself slurring through my recently strangely tingling lips.


"Are you okay?"


"Why shouldn't I be?" I asked, oddly buzzing and not in the least bit tired anymore.


"Go look in the mirror!"


Effortlessly sprinting out of bed, (and resisting the urge to take off for twenty laps round the garden, en-route) I did as bid.


Well, bugger me, what a sight for sore eyes! I've never had such luscious lips in my life before, even if I say it myself, they were nothing short of positively stunning - all plumped up and larger than life - I could hardly rip my eyes from the mirror. And the energy surge flowing through my veins made me want to go out and dance right through in to the wee small hours - wow, nothing short of positively electrified, I felt sparks bursting from my pores!


I settled instead for coming downstairs to write for a few hours, not returning until hubby came to drag me (loudly protesting) back up to bed, at around 4am.


So, there we have it. 

Forget all those night creams, the collagen, or Botox, all we really need is a little squirt of this E-additive riddled orange juice to put the bloom back into our cheeks. 

Well, of course I'm banning my kids from drinking that stuff, after all, what kind of a mother do you take me for? (it's far too good to waste on the likes of them). 

I'm doubling my order of it on my next Tesco shop, and plan on hoarding it in a safe, locked place where only I can reach.. It's mine, all mine from here on out.. (Cue thunderbolt & evil cackle.)


Whey-hey, life is never short of little surprises, is it?

34 comments:

silly rabbit said...

LOL! Thanks for the warning (by that I mean tip).

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

I'm not sure I'd let anyone stick a needle in me even if they promised to make me look younger..

Putz said...

what in the world is a moggy??????????????? discerning people really want to know

Shrinky said...

You are very welcome, Silly rabbit!

Shrinky said...

Aww, Jackie-Sue, wish you had come and whispered that into my ear BEFORE I went and gave the go-ahead!

Shrinky said...

Oh Putz (laughing), I'm sorry, I never DID get back to you on that, did I? A moggy (or a pussy, as some of us call them) is a cat!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Are you sure it was the orange juice that made your lips luscious? Smacking them together can also have that effect. I've seen it many times.

Pat Tillett said...

You are so darn funny! I always thought orange juice was for mixing with vodka!

Shrinky said...

Gorilla, you did say "smacking them together", not, "Giving them a smack", didn't you? (Just checking..)

Shrinky said...

Ahh, so THAT'S where I went wrong, Pat?

Jeaux said...

A friend of mine once observed, having watched me brooding over the contents of my refrigerator, that my expression reminded her of Heathcliff. No botox needed...

The only thing I miss of my youth is my lips. Is Capris Sun available in the States?

The Blue Zoo said...

You crack me up!

I wanted Botox, but Hubs says NO way.

Shrinky said...

Jeaux, I imagine a peek through your fridge would be akin to gastronomic heaven, the shelves there laden with only the most fresh and finest of produce? I can only deduce your furrowed brow is in deciding which dish to turn out for the day (grin). If as my post suggests, we ARE what we eat, should you find Capri-Sun unavailable, I will feel duty bound to send you on a care-package..

Shrinky said...

Haha, Stephanie - you don't NEED botox, wait another 20yrs before you ask yourself that question!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh honey-- I have never heard of a DENTIST giving Botox shots! That is so not right. It's the cosmetic dermatologist you see for the Botox.... and trust me on this-- I know!

As for the big lips-- Um, do you have any of that juice left ;-)

xoxo jj

Shrinky said...

Hi jj, oh she did go on to open a beauty salon, as well as her dental practice.. but she was obvioulsy just in training when she tripped across this hapless soul!

Rock Chef said...

I know a much better way of getting a similar effect to a face-full of botox - eat a cream cake each day! The face soon plumps up and smoothes out the wrinkles... :-)

Nancy said...

Wow, what was in that Capri-sun?? I just bought a box for my grandson!

As for the dentist sticking needles in your face - what's up with that? Geeze. There is something counter intuitive about putting one of the deadliest poisons known to man in my face to make it prettier. They try to do it all the time at my hair salon. Now the Capri Sun lip plumping...

lisleman said...

dentist - botox - my comment has been covered already.
Interesting reaction to the juice - you'll need to experiment more to really pin it down. Maybe you had an allergic reaction?
I popped over here because -
1) I do enjoy your posts
2) my granddaughter has a hat that reminded me of your profile pic - see sunday post

Parabolic Muse said...

HA! what a riot!

Shopgirl said...

Thanks for the lesson and the laugh. Those dentists, I knew there was a reason...

Now we don't seem to have the same capri sun here. Darn.

Anna said...

Shrinky you always crack me up, lol. I tell you one thing I am not that brave, I don't even wear make up or lipstick anymore because of all the crap inside ... that was one good read for good night. Anna :)

PS sorry I have not been very active, blogging I mean, lol. It is always nice to come to your place and read such refreshing and energetic posts.

Shrinky said...

Oh RC, then I would get fat and spotty - hey, hang on, then I really WOULD look like a younger me..!

Shrinky said...

I know Nancy, seems we are never short of fresh torturous methods to keep ourselves looking younger - as for me, I've decided to throw in the towel and just focus on growing old disgracefully.

Shrinky said...

I just have Lisleman, and I have to confess it made my day - what a gorgeous little girl, her hat is awesome!

Shrinky said...

Ha, easy for you to say, Chrissie (grin)!

Shrinky said...

Oh for shame, that's such a pity, shopgirl (wink)..

Shrinky said...

Oh Anna, I always love it when you visit (hugs). You and my little sis' sound much alike, she won't even wear perfume for fear of what it may contain!

Jinksy said...

Do you think you had an allergic reaction to that juice? What a way to get luscious lips!!! lol ♥

Skunkfeathers said...

I refuse to age gracefully. I intend to do it curmudgeonly.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Haha Shrinkster! You found the Angelina Jolie Juice!!! Plus it has to be cheaper than shots. Also can I say just one thing here? This entry? USELESS WITHOUT EVIDENCE PIX. :) It's all about us you know.

X. Dell said...

(1) LMAO. I guess that explains Mick Jagger and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

(2) I'm hunting the web now to see if I can find those "Before and After" photos.

Actually, for some strange reason, when looking at B&A pics, I almost always feel (honestly) that the before looks better than the after. You've now given me insight as to why.

(3) I had a third comment to make, but I reckon it might be too risque for the blog (although your husband would love it, love it, love it).

Margaret Benbow said...

You're a brave woman, Shrinky, to let your dentist pounce on you with a big needle (even though you definitely didn't need it in the first place--your pictures are lovely.) Hey, you and Patrick have the right idea--vodka and sun-juice would make great natural collagen!

Middle Child said...

Did you see the episode of Absolutely fabulous where Patsy was learning how to inject Botox? your "specialist" probably watched the same episode