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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Shedding toenails, blisters and Beer

Apologies folks, feel free to avert your eyes, 'tis not a sight for the squeamish.

Of course, the toenails will soon drop off, they always do. Uck. Why, what possible reason can anyone have to engage in such a feat of masochism? Every year I ask this, every year I have yet to receive a satisfactory reply.

I awoke to receive the shock of my life yesterday morning, there appeared to be a naked man masturbating at the foot of my bed. There he was, a pot of Vaseline in one hand, his tackle in the other. He claimed it wasn't what it seemed (yeah, tell that one to the judge, eh?). Apparently, he was merely following advice and greasing up his man-boobs, thighs and nether regions in a hopeful attempt to prevent any severe chafing during the mammoth walk ahead.

He didn't do too badly on the Annual Parish Walk, over forty miles in just over nine hours. Of course, he's a wimp compared to those few nutters who actually complete the full 85 mile circuit. 85 MILES, CONTINUOUSLY. All mostly uphill, over mountain, and on hard unrelenting, concrete paving.

You think that's mad? One crazy woman completed the course twice last year (though I hear tell she took to hallucinating by the end of it). Our island is known for it's quirky events, but this one simply takes the biscuit. Mind you, for all that, it is highly organised, with each competitor registered, micro-chipped, and well monitored. Believe it or not, hundreds of these hopefuls turn out on the day.

Residents line the route armed with banana's and bottled water, thrusting them onto those deemed the most likely to drop. (Alan was the grateful recipient of nine bananas, three Mars bars and several packets of nuts.) Local radio, and even the BBC tag along to document the progress.

As I drove my eldest daughter to a rounders match, we were unexpectedly made late, getting caught up in the traffic as flocks and flocks of police-escorted walkers were crossed over the road. After five minutes, the leading five cars were allowed to pass through, leaving us to endure the whole process all over again. Searching vainly, I scanned for Alan's face in the crowd, hoping to throw out a snarl.

I don't pretend to understand it myself, but I did at least take some pity (my heart is not entirely made of stone) - finally scraping hubby up from the pavement, I eventually drove him back home for a hot soak in the bath. Later, clutching a hard earned beer, he proudly, blow by blow, relayed all his finest moments of glory to me (over the climax of my favourite TV programme).

Bless, eh?

Now it's the morning after, and Father's Day. A lucky roll, if you ask me. He is limping about and milking it to the hilt.. it would appear a family walk is strictly off the menu.

After a Bucks Fizz breakfast over the grand present opening, he has happily managed to snuggle himself back up in bed again, and is doubtlessly snoozing the sleep of the just as I type.

Let's hope when he wakes, (this time) he finds the decent courtesy to remove his shed toenails from our bed.

(Shudder.)

31 comments:

Hilary said...

Oh ouch that looks painful. He needs better-suited shoes for that kind of hiking. Good for him though for participating. That far more miles than I'm willing to do. :)

God of Another World said...

Ok, that was just a disgusting post. :)

Akelamalu said...

OMG his feet look so sore!

chewy said...

Thank God you didn't insert a photo of the pre-walk "grease-up".

Scott from Oregon said...

Had he trimmed those monstrosities before he set off.... they wouldn't likely be falling off now.

My god, woman!! Take that man down and buy him a good pair of Chinese made footwear!!

One half size too big. And then stuff the toes with wool...

Have you no motherly instincts left in you?

(and the photo? Ewwwww.)

Thumbelina said...

Ugh! That looks sore and ugly. My toes are curling at the thought.
Good for him for doing the walk, but I agree with Hilary. Better shoes. Never mind the vaseline, better shoes!

Leslie: said...

EEEWWWW....I haven't been over for some time and this is what you've posted! lol My GAWD, he must have more guts the determination than brains - or, er, he slicked that part of himself with the Vaseline, too! Hoo Haa!

mrsnesbitt said...

I hate feet!
My god........................................................!

am speechless! yet proud of you!

simon said...

Crikey!- for a minute there I thought he had diabeties!

His wounds make my one blood blister pale into insignificance.

Bloody well done and that ale looks goood!!

Mushy said...

Don't tell him I said so, but he might have saved himself a bit of pain had he trimmed those big boys back a little!

Poor guy...I've come close a time or two, but mostly when I walk downhill too much.

In the meantime...drink up!

Alex L said...

Between your husband and your dog, your naughty naughty dog, you seem to have your hands full.

SJ said...

Now if you would move those ugly feet away I could grab the beer :)

jay said...

"there appeared to be a naked man masturbating at the foot of my bed"

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

So, he'll do that, but not bother to buy decent walking boots? The man's insane! What the heck was he wearing on his feet to bruise his toes like that? Or is it perhaps traditional for people to drop rocks on the walkers' feet as they cross the finishing line?

Shrinky said...

Thank you everyone for your concerns and advice (smile). I truly believe clipping those monstrosities before the walk would have prevented a good deal of grief.

However, as for his walking shoes - they were bought a size larger (to allow for swelling) and broken in well before the event. He's a seasoned marathon runner, hiker and walker (as well as a keen cyclist) with all the appropriate kit to go with it.

He just needs to trim his bloomin' toenails (but will he listen??).

Les Becker said...

Argh, ewww, and Uccckkkk!

Although your vivid description of your morning apparition was very... interesting. Thanks for that.

AND YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL NUTS! What a trek! Is this to raise money for a charity - 'cuz that's the only reason I can think of to hurt yourselves in this manner...

And the most I've ever done for charity is to shave my head, but at least I could still walk later.

Daryl said...

I agree with Hilary, get the man a pair of shoes that fit properly and he wont be shedding toe nails. OTOH I love the idea of him greasing up .. that totally make me LOL ...

PRH....... said...

Hell those feet look good compared to the goobers I have...:}

Shrinky said...

Hi les, yeah, it is a great charity fund raiser event, the boy did well by all accounts. But I still agree - it's totally nuts!

Daryl, I was still half asleep, I had to put my specs on before realising it was only him there.

Pat, and they say I give up too much information..?

Maalie said...

Oh, I hoipe they get better soon!

Greetings from Shetland!

Suldog said...

Yuck! How long does it take for them to grow back, and how painful is it while they do? I'm a guy, so have certainly been known to show off my battle scars, but that's just disgusting :-)

Akelamalu said...

PS if you visit me tomorrow you will find a little something for you. x

Casdok said...

Well done for doing the walk even though he is paying the price - yuk!

Lover of Life said...

You are such a great writer - what fun to have you tell a tale. The toe nails need to be watched - you wouldn't want to things to go unnoticed in the bed!

My husband partakes in something similar. It is race that starts in the mountains in Oregon and ends on the coast. A team of relayers, each running four seven mile increments. They are always exhaused and very full of themselves. :-)

Backyard Pete said...

I was eating when I saw that picture

Mike Golch said...

just poped in for a visit from Akelamalu's blog to say congrats on the award that she gave you.

Janie said...

Eww, those toenails and blisters look wicked.
My feet look almost that bad after backpacking 20 or miles in 3 days. I can't even imagine the pain of 40 miles all at once. He's a brave man. I'm glad he got his father's day pampering.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Ouch is right! But ewwww took over. People do this for a good time?

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