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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Reason For Justifiable Homicide ( # 1)


I am beginning to wonder if hubby hasn't in actual fact left home, he just hasn't plucked up the courage to tell me yet. After arriving back late on Friday night, he flew straight back out to London on Saturday morning. Back late again in the evening, he left early on Sunday, apparently to Dubai for the next two weeks.

Nice work if you can get it, huh?

At least I can't complain he's getting under my feet, eh? Still, as he tries to put me under an internet curfew when he's home, (emphasis on try) even being brave enough to hide my laptop upon occassion, I guess it all levels out. The only problem with not having him around is that, in his absence, I find myself picking up the slack as chauffeur to the multitude. Although it's less than a two mile run into town, we don't live near any public transport, and teenagers have this really annoying habit of having friends.

So it was, a few weeks back I found myself ferrying my two eldest kids (plus mates), to a disco (I'm sure that's not what they might term it, but before my slide into decrepitude, it's what I used to call it). .

Neither my eldest son, nor my eldest daughter had realised they would be sharing a ride. This is on account that they usually avoid attending any social gatherings together like the plague. Matt likes to play big bruv' and cramp her style, she likes to get even by telling his potential date of the night that he's already taken - you get the picture. So naturally, they were mortified to discover they had both purchased tickets to attend the same venue. Add their friends in to the mix, all of whom found it hysterical, you can imagine I was pretty darn relieved to finally dispatch them all off on to the pavement until the appointed collection time. Matt slammed off in a huff, rattling the door behind him. Not that I heard it, I'd earlier cranked the volume up full to "Beck" in hopes of drowning out the bickering.

You would not believe what an odious, sanctimonious, jumped-up excuse for a jobs-worth, aspiring Hitler that I then had the sad misfortune not to squash flat beneath the tread of my wheels! Blooming, power hungry, would be dungeon keeper. what the hell was his problem?? Jeeeesus. Give them a fluorescent jacket, they rule the world. No, he wasn't a policeman, he was a car parking attendant. Not that I was in a car park mind, I'm double parked on the busy promenade, trying hard to pull out between any let up in the crowd. It's a Saturday night and the place is jumping.

As Matt got out of the car, apparently our door knocked against a parked car. I didn't see this, but as I went to pull away, this little streak of vomit masquerading as a human robot stepped out in front of me and pulled me over. Yes, still being a good girl and respecting (even dubious) authority, I recognised his vest and didn't mow him down. (Little shit must be made of rubber, countless others before me must have done.)

He pointed out my error. I was polite, I pulled up, got out (in my bare feet and thin t-shirt in the dark, freezing night) and went to examine the other car. There was not a mark on it. I went back and informed him.

"You still should leave your number."

"Why? There's no mark there."

"Still, the decent thing to do."

"Come and look."

"Not for me to judge."

"Just look!"

"It's dark, there might be a mark in the morning,"

"Fine, give me a pen."

"Don't have one."

"Neither do I."

"Try one of those Pubs -"

"I'M IN MY BARE FEET, THERE IS NO MARK ON THE SODDING CAR, IF YOU CARE TO LOOK YOU WILL SEE."

"Decent thing to do."

I should go on to repeat all of the above several times over to give you the flavour of our repartee (adding in, the more adgited I am, the more my arms take on a life of their own, so now pointing, shrugging and flinging my elbows about in every which way, we are drawing a wee bit of crowd).

Deciding to appeal to my jury, I toss out, "Does anyone have a pen here??"

No takers.

Finally, feet frozen, I give up, and uttering the best witty, sure to be nominated as the most original put-down line ever, I tell him, " Go to hell!" (Gimme' a break, let's see you invent something better sporting a set of frost-bitten nipples).

I got back in the car and drove off to see the slimy prime example of a syphilitic birth taking my number down WITH A PEN.

Should have reversed (would surely have been the decent thing to do).

42 comments:

Land of shimp said...

You're a better woman than I am, Shrinky. I'd have called him a Tin Despot and made off into the night. Usually when you say something that hardly anyone under thirty knows the meaning of, you can make a quick getaway.

By the way, when will your kids be old enough to drive? Perhaps relief will come sooner, rather than later.

Maybe your hubby is actually a spy, or you need to pin him under something heavy for a bit. Keep him in one place.

Then make him teach the kids to drive!

Sunshine said...

Hey

How are you doing? Just wanted to say Hi. Missing you!

mrsnesbitt said...

I received a speeding ticket today! Doing 35mph in 30 stretch! Bloody marvellous! Hubby found it hilarious! I did point out there was a difference - he was done for doing 89mph in a 60 area! I laughed then cos it was the slowest we had gone all day - oh yes dear twas on the motorbike, I was nicked in a 4x4 Toyota Hilux!

TechnoBabe said...

You are in the car so much aren't you? Good thing you have a good sense of humor.

San said...

Putting it in reverse would've been the decent thing to do, Shrinky. What a sanctimonious creep. And he had a pen after all???

What is it with you and these "authority figures"? An attractive blonde must bring out the worst in them.

And about your "kids" not wanting to be caught dead in public together--I recently ran across an old journal my daughter kept when she was in elementary school. "Why does my little brother follow me around and insist on joining in conversations with my best friend?" she asks. Her teacher wrote, "Believe me. It will stop." Yes, it did when the little brother became a teen. And now that they're both young adults, she actually invites little brother to her parties. Makes me warm and fuzzy inside, especially knowing they drive themselves around!

chewy said...

HE HAD A PEN???????? Grrrrr!

Leslie: said...

He was just waiting for the cold to make an effect on your thin T-shirt - sodding ass!

Chantel said...

I'm still laughing over the "sporting a set of frost- bitten nipples!"

Next time dear, poke his eye out.

Skunkfeathers said...

Next time you have the pleasure of repartee with the wretched pilchard, you might look at him inquisitively, mull the view carefully, and then respond "I do so certainly wish to understand if you are a moron by birth or choice? Decent thing to know, y'know".

I would not be welcome yonder, I reckon...

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

oh much better person that me..they'd still be picking up little pieces of him all over the place.

*Goddess* said...

"Disco"? "Saturday night and the place is jumping"? Gurl, get out of the 80's and join me in...well, the 90's.

BRUNO said...

And you always say how cute those little LAWN-GNOMES are!

Hell, I'd lay 10-to-1 odds they're REINCARNATES of PARKING-ATTENDANTS!!! (Or maybe that's where they come from in the first-place???)

Just put a yellow-vest on one of 'em, and judge for yourself...!

tattytiara said...

I don't see how freaking someone out by making them look all over their car from one end to the other trying to figure out why someone said they hit it when there isn't a mark on it is a decent thing to do, personally.

Mr. Nighttime said...

What a twit! Next time, just walk away from idiots like that, as they're not worth your blood pressure, or go to his boss and have him written up for harassment.

Tgoette said...

Okay, now that I've recovered from the frost-bitten nipples comment (well almost) I have to say I admire your restraint. I think had it been me (and had I been a woman with freezing nips) the twerp would have been on his knees clutching his ballocks. At the very least. LOL!

Shrinky said...

Oh Shimp, my eldest IS old enough to drive, he's failed his driving test four times - that is a whole 'nother post all on it's own! He refuses to sit another test on the island (there is good reason for this, but it's a little too involved to go into here), is waiting til he leaves for university on the mainland to take another one .. sigh.

Hello Sunshine, good to see you hon, how's things?

Oh, bad luck Denise, that sucks.

Yeah TechnoBabe, when my lotto comes in, I'm hiring me a chauffeur..

Oh San, that gives me hope! Especially the driving bit. Most days I find I need to be in at least two places at once, and usually at opposite ends of the isle. The kids mostly get along, it's just that Matt is a tad protective of her, which Bec feels spoils her fun! I'm just thankful he's around to reel her in, myself (wink).

Yeah Chewy, what a shit, eh?

Ah Leslie, he obviously leads a very sad and boring life, eh?

I should have had you in the car with me Chantel, that would've sorted him out! (Grin)

Ha! Excellent Skunk, I'm taking notes!

I can only pray Yellowdog, he one day trips along your path (that'd teach him)!

Ah, Goddess, I'm a hopeless case, far too old to "get in the groove" now (giggle).

Hey Bruno, now you come to mention it, you may well be on to something there..!

Good point, Tatty. What REALLY bugged me is the cretin refused to even come over to look!

Hi Mr. Nightime, I didn't want to drive off without checking, y'know? But you are right, I shouldn't have given him the satisfaction of a debate. Shrug.

Togoette, what, place my bare feet on his nuts - ugh, you serious? Now, were I wearing my Doc Martins..

Jay said...

WHAT?? The little toad had a pen all the time? Good grief, I'd have been SO tempted to reverse back and let him have a piece of my mind!

And by the way, if this ever should happen to you again, perhaps the best response would be 'If there IS a mark in the morning, it won't have been my fault and I'm damned if I'm taking responsibility for it!'

What would happen if you leave your name and contact details, and then some drunken idiot hits the car later in the evening, doing some real damage? Either he (or she) could see your note, smirk and drive off, or just fail to leave one. You're lumbered, both ways!

Jazz said...

You should've run that asshat down. It would have been the decent thing to do, thus sparing the rest of the world from him.

Shrinky said...

You know Jay, I did secretly worry the little prick might decide to key the vehicle before turning my registration number over - I sure didn't put it past him.

Yeah Jazz, some things are just crying out to be put right, eh?

Rock Chef said...

He should have been roadkill. I doubt anyone would have missed him.

Shrinky said...

Rock Chef, were it not for me having my youngest still in the back seat..

Rock Chef said...

Sometimes it is good to learn things at an early age... :-)

Erika said...

That is ridiculous! Where was this guy when I needed him. I have several dents in both my cars from people opening car doors in parking spots that are too tight and I have never gotten a note. And this ass makes you prance around bare footed for not even a scratch. Just ridiculous!

billy pilgrim said...

we're all the victims of a series of accidents.....

PhilipH said...

Yep, there's always one.

If there is a next time simply smile and say:

"You're a turd, Sir. A turd."

And then wave a cheery goodbye.

Copyboy said...

You totally had me a streak of human vomit!!! Priceless. Couldn't stop laughing after that. : )

~Babs said...

Crack me up,,,your frost bitten T-shirt self!
Give a little authority to some people and they become larger than life itself!
And a pen all along,,,guess we all know where you'd like to have stuck it.

chewy said...

96, hmph! (wink)

david mcmahon said...

Let me get this right ... you DECLINED the chance to go to a pub?

Your Australian citizenship application has been immediately revoked!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

I think the police force, official and otherwise, has very little to occupy its time there on the island...I can find no other rationale for all the trouble they cause you! That, and the fact that you are beautiful :-) Probably just an excuse to talk to you...

As always, you are extraordinarily witty, dear Shrinky! Your posts are truly a highlight! ~Janine XO

Shrinky said...

Rock Chef, you make a perfectly valid point, there (grin)!

Hi Erica, aw what goes around will come around, me thinks, eh?

True enough, Billy.

Sound advice, Philip (smile).

Aw Cheers Copyboy (I cleaned it up a bit for posting) Wink.

Haha, I believe great minds think alike, Babs - high five!

Chewy, suck it up kid (giggle)!

David! Hi hon, how lovely to see you ((hugs)). In my defence, I had no cash on me, either..

Oh Janine, I have posted a might more of my unfortunate misfortunes rather than of anything else as of late, haven't I? I am not entirely a trouble magnet, though folk might be forgiven for believing that (smile). It's just these ridiculous incidents are virtually begging to be recounted!

järnebrand said...

Now that was a funny post! :)
I can't believe he actually had a pen! But wait, actually I can believe it! I find no words to describe that man. Not even in Swedish... :) You have a wonderful sense of humor, though, thank you so much for sharing this!
Love/ Jo.

Mushy said...

Is this the same puke you've had trouble with?

There's ways of dealing with people like that, and yes, completely justifiable!

secret agent woman said...

What? He had a pen? What a total weasel.

Phivos Nicolaides said...

Your sense of humor will give you the courage to need to carry on!

SJ said...

Oh he is alive and right now tormenting other citizens of your island possibly freezing their nipples. Kill him I say.

Ocean Girl said...

I'm a chauffeur too.

Shrinky said...

Hi Jo, I am so glad you stopped by! Yes, maybe he is related to the woman you spoke of in your recent post? (Smile)

Hello Mushy, one good thing is I've only had the misfortune to encounter the little shit once, he on the other hand, is lumbered with himself for life, he?

I know, Secret Agent, unbelievable, eh?

Hi Phillip, I guess you have to laugh, eh?

SJ, what are your fees?

Hi Ocean Girl, how lovely to see you here, thanks for stopping by. And comisserations on the chauffeur front, I feel the pain!

Phivos Nicolaides said...

Well Shrinky, I think I have the sense of humor in a way!:) Book!

jinksy said...

I'm feeling sorry for the feet - thay look as though they are holding on like grim death - would that be to reality, do you suppose?! LOL

Shrinky said...

Cheers, Phil.

Oh Jinsky, funny you should say that - I took the photo myself, and bending over for it, my toes DID curl up, (laughing..) trust you to notice!

Alexis said...

HILARIOUS! Should have put him out of his misery, he must have been bullied in school!