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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Lady Gaga Has A Lot To Answer For

lady-gaga-meat-dress-01

Turns out I’m ruining my eldest daughter’s life, by refusing to sew her up a raw meat dress for Halloween.  

"I don't know what your problem is, mum, it's not as if I'm even asking for steak here, and I can always return it afterwards.."

She (Bec, not Lady Gaga) is currently staging a protest sit-in up in her room with the microwave, a mini-fridge, and two supportive friends.  I’d be tempted to negotiate were it not for the blissful peace we’re enjoying.

Besides, she needs me for a ride to their hockey match at three.

It’s been a busy weekend what with Sweet Sam discovering how to use his phone, an’ all.  When he first started his life skills course at college last year, they urged us to buy one for him.  He’s been carting it around fully charged, and with credits ever since – not that he ever switched it on, mind.  Well, not until recently that is.

Talk about make up for lost time, there’s no stopping him now.  The nice thing about Sam, is it doesn’t faze him if he doesn’t really know the folk he rings.  Any friend of his sibs’ will do.  Took me ages to figure out how he got their numbers  (that’ll teach his sisters not to hide their phone-book).  Well, he get’s bored of a Friday, since he only has a four day week at college.  ‘Sides, the silly bint’s aren’t meant to have their phone’s switched on during lesson time, are they?  Their subsequent detentions are hardly all his fault.

He’s also discovered the number of his beloved Manx Radio.  It’s a sweet little station, taking music requests, and running lots of competitions, allowing folk to dial straight through, live, to the DJ on air.

On Friday they offered a free Domino’s Pizza delivery out to the first one to dial through with the name of a four-lettered animal beginning, with a “B”, and that has legs.  Although it was very sporting of them to let him win with “Butterfly”, I have this terrible sinking feeling they may live to regret it..

Anyhoo’s, the reason I mention all of this, is because Sam has also taken to conversing with some of his fellow students over the phone, most of which are equally as dippy as he is.  The conversation can run on for hours around the similar theme:-

“Hi, what are you doing?”

“Talking to you.  What are you doing?”

“Using the phone.”

“Who you talking to?”

“You.”

“Really?  Ha.. cool!”

"So, what are you up to?"

Seemed harmless enough until I answered the house phone early Saturday morning to A.  During their last phone conversation, Sam had apparently invited him over for the day.  In fairness, he does seem to have more wits about him than most of Sam’s peers, being able to navigate the bus system alone all the way over to Douglas, as he did.  ‘Course, he didn’t actually have our address, and was calling, stranded, waiting for us to collect him outside the MacDonald’s drive-in.  (Call me lazy, but as a rule I usually lie-in beyond 7.30am on a weekend.)

Thing about A is he is used to a lot more freedom than I usually allow Sam,  and he couldn’t fully understand why I wouldn’t let them go off for a wander on their own into Town.  So much so, he escaped with him anyway.  Three freakin’ hours it took me to track them down.  (Silly me, I should have realised I’d find them sitting with their bum's parked inside MacDonald’s.) 

No sooner than I've safely dropped A back to his rightful address, I arrive home to find my youngest, Abby, asking:-

“Mum, is it okay if I have a small sleep-over in the shed, tonight?”

“How small?”

“Um, R, F and S?  You did let Bec have her friends sleep over last night..!”

Acutely aware we collected her sister and friends home from a 16th birthday party the night before, she reckons she’s owed.

I’ve lost count of the amount of toasted bacon sarnies I’ve dished up to  breakfast other people’s kid’s this weekend.  And to think, I thought with Matt leaving for Uni, life around these parts were set to quieten down some.

It’s hardly set to get much better anytime soon, with the girls on a two week mid-term school break as of Monday (just as their dad conveniently flies off to London).

Is it really too late to consider putting them up for adoption?

I must urge all of you bright young, child-free peoples out here,  remember, a child is for your entire, total, sapped-dry life, not just for the initial drunken fumble, and the nine months of vomiting that  follows immediately on.

Amazingly, in fairness, three of my four were actually planned.  In retrospect, I think at the time I was suffering from some hitherto undiagnosed, yet severe form of temporary insanity - t'was either that, or hubby'd secretly drugged me.

I mean, what sane woman ever elects to swap her life and fortune over to becoming Dobbie-The-House-Slave?  Mother Nature is a cunning trickster, no sooner have you birthed but she burdens you with all this darned (virtually always unrequited) love .  

Thank goodness the lucid moments are far and few between, otherwise I might truly get depressed.  

Yup, I definitely feel a solitary, long weekend flight to the mainland coming on.. 

85 comments:

Leslie: said...

You GO girl...you deserve it.

Actually, I miss those day. :(

chewy said...

The eldest is clever enough to make her own Lady Gaga costume. EVERYONE wants to have the meat costume. Get a blonde wig, big glasses, nude body suit, fishnet stockings, high heels and bubble wrap!

chewy said...

ps. at the end of the night everyone can pop her. (giggle)

Lori said...

I fully understand your feelings. I have experienced these kinds of things with my older kids when they were a little younger...darn kids sure keep us on our toes don't they? Hahaha. Yes, I need a vacation too...a long weekend anywhere sounds completely wonderful right now. XX

Kittie Howard said...

What a fun post! Reminded me of the time my sister was stuck in traffic, two kids in the back seat acting up. As the traffic inched forward she saw a sign that said 'Adoption Agency'...for a long split sec she thought about hauling them over there!

Enjoy your weekend! You deserve it!

mythopolis said...

Well, God bless, Sammy boy! Go for it, dude! As per elder sis in a meat dress? That is performance art! Yes. I would suggest a dress of calf liver, in that she is brunette, I think.

Loved reading this post!!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

what kind of mother are you not to let her daughter dress up in meat..child abuse I say..

Portia said...

Dressing up in meat may lead to uninvited canines coming around your house. She would be the Pied Piper of your cozy section of the UK.

billy pilgrim said...

does the outfit have to be beef?

pork might be a nice touch in certain circles.

Kate said...

My Doxy LOVES Gaga. She thinks a blond wig with a steak on the head and then lots and lots of strings of sausages hanging over the shoulders would be a hoot.
I love Sam. Thanks for the fun post, Shrinky!

Rock Chef said...

Lady Gaga is great!

Can't you compromise and let her use ham or something? SPAM even? :-)

As my daughter grew up she became very good at saying "No, I am not allowed to go there". Saved a LOT of trouble - when she was young she was very easily persuaded - a bit of a "sheep"...

My wife was one of those...

Kristina Hughes said...

Cor - certainly sounds like you need to escape once in a while, although we'd miss your posts if it was all sitting around and enjoying yourself, drinking Butterbeer!! I love the Sam - phone story - what lovely radio people you have on your island! And I remember shed sleepovers - back in the dim and distant past. Perhaps you could fashion the bacon into outfits rather than butties next weekend... xx

Rock Chef said...

Hm, when I say my wife was one of those, I mean she wanted to dive into motherhood, not that she was a sheep - anything but!

Fen said...

ha ha ha that's mother nature's way, she gets you to fall in love and procreate!

I'm giggling at the Manx radio butterfly thing, too funny. And yes, 7.30am is far far to early!

TechnoBabe said...

I have heard so many young folks on their cell phones and their conversations were about the same. I must say though your weekend sounded pretty tame compared to some you have told us about in the past.

Hilary said...

I half expected you to report that Bec pouted over her sister's sleepover breakfast. You could have put that bacon to better use on her costume. ;)

Paul C said...

Enjoy how you capture the dynamics of parenting so well.

Skunkfeathers said...

Ha..I learned the cheap 'n easy way to make the most of my aging features at Halloween: in a darkened room, hold a flashlight under the base of my chin, and look normal.

"BOOGA BOOGA".

Enjoy your respite ;)

Akelamalu said...

LOL that's why I stopped at child number 2!

nick said...

Why can't I find contests where they'll accept 'butterfly' as the name of a four-lettered animal that has legs.

But I would have answered 'boar' which, to me at least, also defines Lady Gaga

Maddy said...

Oh my - you're certainly running the gamut there.

I always think things will get easier / less busy as they get older but of course they don't, although there's a strong chance it's more my own aging that's affecting my perspective than anything to do with my kids.

As for the phone - my youngest used it once [actually three times] on one day several years ago when he telephoned the Sheriff [yes they really exist] to tell them that we were going out for the day. The arrival of the said Sheriff on our doorstep several minutes later confirmed my suspicions that he'd never use the darned contraption again.

Chantel said...

Ah my love, your snapshot of the manic, emotional, blackmailing, rollercoaster that is parenting is fantastic! Remind darling daughter that meat SMELLS. And attracts bugs. (and falls apart as it warms....um...?) Ideas and copycats are a dime a dozen....but if no one will sit next to you....?

Love Sam. Start up a friendship with the managers at McDonalds and any other fave hangout--put them on your speed dial. (it's the library and coffee shop with my boys)

that girl said...

ewwww. yuck.

laughingwolf said...

meat costume would be a birthday suit, right? :O lol

mythopolis said...

You know, if global warming continues to worsen, meat clothing might be handy. You could take a nice walk in the sun, return home to find that your clothes are cooked, and ready to eat!

Shrinky said...

Hi Leslie, I guess I will miss these days too, at some time (smile).

Hahaha, oh Chewy, what an image - an exploding Beccy!! Too funny.

Ah Lori, if ever anyone deserves a little break away to themselves, I reckon that must be you - I think you are amazing!

Hello Kittie, ha, show me any parent who doesn't occasionally harbour these thoughts, and I'll show you a liar!

Shrinky said...

Dan, shhhhhhhh, she is bad enough as it is, without your happy words of encouragement!!

Jackie-Sue, that's exactly what she told me, too (grin)..

Portia, now there's a thought - thanks for that!

Billy, stop encouraging her!!

Shrinky said...

Actually Kate, that's not such a bad idea! I'll run it past her..

Haha, Rock Chef, I have to confess I did a double take after reading that bottom line, I'm glad you came back in to clarify it!!

Hi Fen, yeah, Sam was proud as punch he'd got the answer "right" (wink).

Shrinky said...

Actually Technobabe, now you come to mention it, I think you have a point (smile)!

Hi Kristina, yeah, they are a good bunch of guys down there. Once of the DJ's walks his dog past our house in the evening, and most times Sam usually hangs out the window to holler across to the poor guy when he passes.

Shrinky said...

Hilary, I do believe you are right!

Thanks, but I guess I should Paul, seeing as how I live it every day (sighhh)..

From what you say Skunk, you sound a natural!

You may well have good reason to be feeling smug, Akelamalu (wry grin).

Shrinky said...

Ooooh Nick, you may find yourself in severe danger of bodily harm from the Lady Gaga appreceiation society, should word of what you've said gets out!

Maddy, my little darlings did that all the time when they were young, talk about embarrassing (cringe)!!!

Chantel, Sam can't be trusted to so much as cross the road on his own, I think the safest option is to simply fit him with a tracking device!

That Girl, those are my sentiments, exactly..

Shrinky said...

Laughingwolf, That's sheer brilliance, now why didn't I think of that retort?

Dan, what did I just say about not encouraging her??

Heff said...

Lady Gaga can wear MY meat anytime !

mythopolis said...

Dear Shrinky's daughter: Please don't take my frivolous remarks seriously. You must listen to your mother. As a parent of two daughters, now grown, I speak from experience. I can't describe my dismay at finding a photo of my own daughter in Daytona Beach on spring break. She was wearing a little bikini made out of two pounds of braided slices of bacon! Most horrifying were all the hunky guys standing around with hungry looks on their faces and empty frying pans in their hands! A parent's worst nightmare! She came home hiding her face, sans bacon. So, take my advice, dearie, or you will curse the day, you started going down that lost highway! Yours truly, Concerned Parent.

Shrinky said...

Oh Lord, Dan - NOW look at what you've up and done! Bec has only packed and scarpered, hasn't she? All she left is this note:-

Dear Mum,

Gone to have my bacon saved by some American hunks over at Daytona Beach. xx

I hope you're satisfied (sob)!

BRUNO said...

I think you should demand a cover-charge for that shed---even from direct family members. It sounds like THE-place to be on weekends...!

Debbie said...

Your life wears me out! You must be tired.

mythopolis said...

Oh, dear. Not to worry. Bec and I are having bacon and scrambled eggs for breakfast. It is not what you think She is a great gal, and leaving for the University of Nebraska. Wants to be a clinical psychologist. 'People are so weird' was all she said upon leaving. "Make your mum proud', was what I replied. I think she will be fine. So, no worry, here. "A son is a son til he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life." : )

Shrinky said...

Hey Heff, I'm sure she'll be thrilled at that offer..

Ah Debbie, it stops me from getting bored, eh?

Bruno, I'm thinking of having it bulldozed, maybe then I'll get a bit of peace?

Shrinky said...

Wow Dan, Nebraska Uni will take her in on HER grades? Blimey, well there's a result! Tell her I'm thrilled, this family needs all the shrinks it can get..

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Carol!!!! I'll meet you there!!! I have been so ready to run away from home this week!!!! ARGH!!! Time for a little me time!! Yup!!! So let's set a meeting place!!! ;-)) Love you!!! And hope that your week gets better!!! ~Janine XO

otin said...

I feel so out of touch! Meat dress?? lol

I don't want to wear anything that is going to make me hungry!

david mcmahon said...

Lady Gaga has a lot at stake, er, steak, hey?

When you get back from your flight to the mainland, we expect a full rundown on the holiday!

Did you know that I met Daryl in NYC and that she met Mrs Authorblog and the Authorbloglets!!

Anna said...

Shrinky you always amaze me how you can handle your family, sometimes I have difficulty with only one, lol, okay two, hubby can be a child too (shhhhh don't tell). Sam makes me laugh, and sounds cute, and the butterfly story was hilarious. Hope all is well, Anna :)

simon said...

kids are hard work regardless of age imo....

Shrinky said...

Janine, how does the Eiffel Tower sound? I'll be wearing a red carnation in my lapel, and carrying a rolled up copy of The Times under my arm.. (wink)

Hi Otin, I know, ridiculous, or what? I mean, what machine wash setting would it go in?

Shrinky said...

OMG, David, you're baaaaack (hugs)!!! Wow, what a wonderful surprise, I'm so happy to see you in here. You met up with Daryl? Hmph, so when you coming over to my neck of the woods? (Foot tapping)

Hi Anna, ah, one child can be every bit as much work as four - at least I had my own in-house kindergarden to keep them all amused (smile).

Shrinky said...

Sage words, Simon!

Michelle H. said...

Can't stand Lady Gaga. I'd be too afraid kids dressed in dog costumes would chase after my daughter... if I had one. Sorry, don't mean to rub it in. Have a blissful trip into the mainland for some quiet time.

secret agent woman said...

Ick!

And kids sure are a lot of work. I don't think there is any adequate warning that an be given. Love em fiercely, of course, but you know...

Land of shimp said...

Yikes! Can you imagine what a meat dress would smell like after a warm night in a club, or at a party?

You've actually saved the quality of her social life, and she'll never realize it.

Also, return it to...where? I mean, are we going to be reassembling cows in her mind, or returning it to be eaten by someone you decidedly don't like?

Hmmm. Yes, I don't know how you people with multiple children stay even a semblance of sane. I'd have a remarkable large and deep bottle of vodka, with a mammoth straw, I feel sure of it.

Casdok said...

Butterfly - that cracked me up!!

Shrinky said...

Michelle, I only said I FEEL a trip to the mainland coming on, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to get one (more's the pity)..

I know Secret Agent, I know!

Hi Alane, I confess there are certain occassions a bucket of wine comes in very handy (wink)!

Shrinky said...

Me too, Casdock (smile).

Parabolic Muse said...

you're going somewheres? What's happening?

maybe I should read back a bit...


I could NEVER make breakfast for people! for one thing, I don't care much for breakfast, and for another, I don't cook.

i realize this isn't about me. just sayin.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You crack me up-- So glad you have a sense of humor about raising children. The meat dress was a hoot on Gaga but it's hard to imagine anyone wanting to duplicate it.

Hope you get that well deserved vacation!

Happy weekend.

Shrinky said...

Chrissy, the only way I'm going anywhere, is if I sneak out in the dead of night without being caught in a rugby-tackle before escaping - but I'm (continuously) working on it! I'm not a breakfast person either, but I don't mind cooking - which is just as well, all things considered, eh?

Shrinky said...

Hi JJ, welcome back hon! I think Bec just enjoys throwing stuff out like this, to wind me up. I should call her bluff, shouldn't I? AND insist on taking photo's before she leaves..

Kim said...

You paint an enticing picture of the teen years. I'm knee deep in diapers and tantrums over here. Can't wait till I have to worry about cell phones and sleepovers:) Thanks for the good laugh!

mrsnesbitt said...

Mobile phones eh? lol! Just bought a new printer - will have a go at making my own postcards! lol! Watch that postbox!

nick said...

Oh Lord, I'm sorry, but that woman is Ga-ga-ga-ga..ghastly.

Shrinky said...

Hi Kim, how lovely of you to stop by, welcome aboard! Ah, in truth, the teenage years are a breeze compared to the earlier days - I have no idea how I regained my sanity (some may argue I never have)! I promise you, it does actually get better (grin).

Hi Denise, aw, Sam will be delighted to hear that - good luck with the new venture!


Sooo, you're telling me she's not your dream woman, then?? Hmmn, can't think why..

Life, Laughter and Paris said...

Love your blog. Always lots of laughs. Good luck with the meat dress issue!

The Blue Zoo said...

MMMMmmm, bacon. Can I come stay the night too?? I want someone to make me breakfast! =)

The phone convo had me cracking up! At least he calls local people. Could be worse, he could be calling other countries! LOL

Shrinky said...

Hi LL&P, ah, she's moved on from the meat dress - I heard a whisper about a dominatrix outfit..

Hello Blue Zoo, oh gosh, A had a sleepover with us last night - I wish, wish, wish I could blog about it, but I'm too scared his parents might read about it (giggle)! Why is all the best material unblogable?

Jorgo said...

Hi Shrinky, Trust you are well and only thinking this stuff occasionally! You might suspect your kids REALLY love you and would miss you terribly if you permanently shot through! My Mother passed from this life two weeks ago and I wish she were here! All the best, Hugh

Shrinky said...

Hello Jorgo, how lovely to see you in here, although I am saddened to hear of your loss. Of course, most of my complaints I post are truly meant in a tongue-in-cheek way - the reality is I love my brood fiercly, demented as they may drive me at times!

Nancy said...

And someday you will miss it all. My house is very QUIET. I would love to be dishing out waffles to a load of girls. But I can remember when I thought my life now sounded mighty appealing. :-)

jay said...

Ah, Shrinky ... you know it's all worth it, saggy, wrinkly body and all! Sam's a sweetheart, and if Bec isn't a sweetheart right now, she will be one again. Bless you for making their lives as good as you possibly can. ONE day (in the dim and distant future) they will come back and thank you. ;)

Shrinky said...

I know you are right Nancy, Abby dragged SEVEN kids home for a sleepover in the shed last night, and breakfast was busy and a lot of fun!

Jay, there is a glimmer of hope tucked away - since the eldest moved out, he's had a complete personality transplant - all mostly for the good (grin)!

Middle Child said...

Freakin hell - a raw meat dress begorrah - even my kids must be getting older...we never had halloween here in Australia till about 10 years ago when the shops started pushing it

Rick said...

I'd like my meat dress medium rare.

Shrinky said...

Hi Middle Child, I used to say the same when I lived in London, but then we moved over here, and I found out they have been celebrating "Hoptunai" on this night for centuries on the isle - it's similar to Halloween, but much, much older, and seeped in tradition!

Hi Rick, thanks for stopping by! Ah, the silly girl went as a cave-woman in the end (um, the seductive, alluring kind, that is. Sigh..).

Rick said...

Thank you Ms Shrink for becoming a follower of my blog. I am honored - truly. Good luck and God bless with the parenting thing. Our middle child is getting married in two weeks. They grow up from wearing costumes to wedding dresses very fast.

chewy said...

Hey you slacker... where's a nice scary Halloween post?

chewy said...

Hey! Where's my new comment go? I repeat... No Halloween post?

chewy said...

Oh... you put "approval" on.

Shrinky said...

Jeez Chewy, nag, nag, nag - watch out you, being as how it's Halloween n'all, I'm tempted to strap you into a scold's-bridal and dunk you into the river for all your impertinence..!!! Shoo, begone and do some bloomin' painting (mutter, mutter).

I have a blasted post to write.

chewy said...

Go ahead! I dare you to try and catch me. (evil cackle) I'm in mid painting... waiting for the paint to dry. But, I just might go watch a scary movie.

Shrinky said...

I doubt I'd be able to keep pace with your broomstick, anyway! Yeah, go watch a scary movie, watching paint dry is faaaarrr too challenging for the likes of you (running out of the blog, making the sign of the cross as I go)..

Shrinky said...

Hi Rick, take no notice of that Chewy there, she's always barging in here putting in her tuppenceworth.. so where were we? Oh, you have a WEDDING coming up? Sheesh, you mean after they bleed you dry at university, they expect you to shell out for all of that, too? Good luck, my friend, keep me posted (smile)!

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

BOO!















Did yu jump?
Hehe!
Happy Halloween!

Shrinky said...

Eeeeeeeeeek! Bob, you cheeky little bear, you, yes you got me good and proper, that you did..!

Pat Tillett said...

we have five kids, each of them with their own personality. All of them are outgoing. So, let me be the first to say, "having children is overrated..."

Shrinky said...

Haha, oh Patrick, there certainly are some moments, aren't there, when you pause to wonder?