(I may have made the doll, but Chewy took the pic.)
Monday, 5th May.
"Dear Ms. Shrinky,
"I wish to apply to be your blog ghost writer, a vacancy which appears to be sorely overlooked, and bewilderingly unadvertised. The word on the net is that you've lost it, become complacent and neglectful of your readership, and frankly, well, are an embarrassment to your community. Having opened a window between releasing "Duma Key" and the start of my sequel, I'm compelled (at minimum fee) to offer my services. You may recall me from some of my previous works, "The Shining" was quite popular, and I believe "The Green Mile" received a fair press. I can supply references should you require it, and my terms and conditions remain moderately flexible.
I look forward to hearing from you in due course.
Bloody cheek! Who the hell does this guy think he is? 'Course, he's never been quite right in the head ever since that accident of his, has he? So some people (and yes, you know who you are, you traitorous turn-coats) are starting to talk, are they? Charming. Well fine then, so be it. I could do with a break anyway. Just hope you know what you're letting yourselves in for, you do realise he's a horror writer, don't you?
Tuesday, 6th May
Aw, he's kinda' sweet really. The deal is, for a bed in the shed and three square meals a day, he'll run off two weekly posts and mow the lawn for me. Sounds fair enough. He's certainly quiet enough down there, takes all his meals in the shed. I did offer him a glass of wine, but it turns out he gave up drinking years ago, around the same time he quit smoking. Perfect house guest really, all he does is type. He does mutter a lot though, hard to understand him most of the time, what with him being American and from Maine, n'all. Still, so far so good. I'm looking forward to seeing what he comes up with. Hope it's good.
Wednesday, 7th May
Blimey, you wouldn't believe the day I've just had. Sheesh, talk about a Prima Donna, I should have just known that King guy looked too good to be true! All I did was to ask him to trim it down a bit, I mean, who the hell writes a 500 page post? Not on my site. Well, you should have just heard the language.. honestly, proper shocked I was. I told him, I said, "Stevie boy, you may well get away with tantrums like that from where you come from, but not from over here, and certainly not under my roof, you don't! Condense it down to two pages me lad, or it's no pudding for you tonight."
Hmph. I've gone and sent him back to the shed to think about what he's done. I'm feeling all flustered now, think I've got a headache coming on.
Thursday, 8th May
Oh Lord, I've had the most terrible night.. just awful! I couldn't sleep a wink for the stabbing pains in my head, even the Nurafen hasn't helped. As if that weren't bad enough, looks like Stephen's fallen off the wagon now, it smelled like a brewery down the shed this morning. He's darn well smoking again, too - that place is like a tinder-box, one spark and it's set go up in flames, I'm sooo beginning to regret this arrangement. He's only gone and hurled my beautifully cooked breakfast right back at me, hasn't he? Sausages flying everywhere! I ask you, what kind of gratitude is that? Apparently he's on hunger strike now. And get this - I think he snuck up to the house last night, some stuff has gone missing. I don't want to cast any aspersions here, but my supply of emergency Drambuie has gone AWOL, not to mention my favourite hairbrush. I'm just off to check the wine cellar, make sure the rest of the booze is still intact..
Friday, 9th May
I couldn't get out of bed this morning, it's all I can do to prop myself up to type. I need to call a doctor, something isn't right. Oh, and get this, Stevie boy has had the temerity to send me an email:
"I expect you are unable to visit me this morning. If you want me to call Charlie off, publish my post IN IT'S ENTIRETY, or continue to suffer the consequence."
Who the hell is Charlie? Ow! I hurt too much to think, I really don't need this..
Saturday, 10th May
Hi folks, Stephen here - Shrinky sends her apologies, she's a little incapacitated at the moment. Don't worry, I have things covered. Watch this space - oh boy, do I ever have a great post coming up for you guys - hehehe..
Oh, um, Charlie? Have you not met my childhood friend? He doesn't talk that much, he's only a doll, but he and I have become real close.
Apologies to my long
suffering term readers for yet another re-post, I promise not to be such a crappy blogger and will try to invent something new before my next offering.. honest!