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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Lost the (Almost Halloween) Plot


(I may have made the doll, but Chewy took the pic.) 




Monday, 5th May.

"Dear Ms. Shrinky,

"I wish to apply to be your blog ghost writer, a vacancy which appears to be sorely overlooked, and bewilderingly unadvertised. The word on the net is that you've lost it, become complacent and neglectful of your readership, and frankly, well, are an embarrassment to your community. Having opened a window between releasing "Duma Key" and the start of my sequel, I'm compelled (at minimum fee) to offer my services. You may recall me from some of my previous works, "The Shining" was quite popular, and I believe "The Green Mile" received a fair press. I can supply references should you require it, and my terms and conditions remain moderately flexible.

I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours faithfully,

S. King."



Bloody cheek! Who the hell does this guy think he is? 'Course, he's never been quite right in the head ever since that accident of his, has he? So some people (and yes, you know who you are, you traitorous turn-coats) are starting to talk, are they? Charming. Well fine then, so be it. I could do with a break anyway. Just hope you know what you're letting yourselves in for, you do realise he's a horror writer, don't you?


Tuesday, 6th May

Aw, he's kinda' sweet really. The deal is, for a bed in the shed and three square meals a day, he'll run off two weekly posts and mow the lawn for me. Sounds fair enough. He's certainly quiet enough down there, takes all his meals in the shed. I did offer him a glass of wine, but it turns out he gave up drinking years ago, around the same time he quit smoking. Perfect house guest really, all he does is type. He does mutter a lot though, hard to understand him most of the time, what with him being American and from Maine, n'all. Still, so far so good. I'm looking forward to seeing what he comes up with. Hope it's good.

Wednesday, 7th May

Blimey, you wouldn't believe the day I've just had. Sheesh, talk about a Prima Donna, I should have just known that King guy looked too good to be true! All I did was to ask him to trim it down a bit, I mean, who the hell writes a 500 page post? Not on my site. Well, you should have just heard the language.. honestly, proper shocked I was. I told him, I said, "Stevie boy, you may well get away with tantrums like that from where you come from, but not from over here, and certainly not under my roof, you don't! Condense it down to two pages me lad, or it's no pudding for you tonight."
Hmph. I've gone and sent him back to the shed to think about what he's done. I'm feeling all flustered now, think I've got a headache coming on.



Thursday, 8th May

Oh Lord, I've had the most terrible night.. just awful! I couldn't sleep a wink for the stabbing pains in my head, even the Nurafen hasn't helped. As if that weren't bad enough, looks like Stephen's fallen off the wagon now, it smelled like a brewery down the shed this morning.  He's darn well smoking again, too - that place is like a tinder-box, one spark and it's set go up in flames, I'm sooo beginning to regret this arrangement.  He's only gone and hurled my beautifully cooked breakfast right back at me, hasn't he? Sausages flying everywhere! I ask you, what kind of gratitude is that? Apparently he's on hunger strike now. And get this - I think he snuck up to the house last night, some stuff has gone missing. I don't want to cast any aspersions here, but my supply of emergency Drambuie has gone AWOL, not to mention my favourite hairbrush. I'm just off to check the wine cellar, make sure the rest of the booze is still intact..

Friday, 9th May

I couldn't get out of bed this morning, it's all I can do to prop myself up to type. I need to call a doctor, something isn't right. Oh, and get this, Stevie boy has had the temerity to send me an email:

"I expect you are unable to visit me this morning. If you want me to call Charlie off, publish my post IN IT'S ENTIRETY, or continue to suffer the consequence."
Who the hell is Charlie? Ow! I hurt too much to think, I really don't need this..


Saturday, 10th May

Hi folks, Stephen here - Shrinky sends her apologies, she's a little incapacitated at the moment. Don't worry, I have things covered. Watch this space - oh boy, do I ever have a great post coming up for you guys - hehehe..
Oh, um, Charlie? Have you not met my childhood friend? He doesn't talk that much, he's only a doll, but he and I have become real close.

Apologies to my long suffering term readers for yet another re-post, I promise not to be such a crappy blogger and will try to invent something new before my next offering.. honest! 

57 comments:

Tabor said...

Great writing. Loved it all the way to the end. I am not (whisper) an S. King fan (unwhisper) but I did just finish reading The Dome and it is huge and well written, for the most part. Too many characters, too much sexual violence and way too much swearing but tight little plot...but since you have him as a guest, you know that!

secret agent woman said...

Gotta watch out for those horror writers.

Ms. A said...

I must have missed this on the first go round! I love it! Your brilliance never ceases to amaze me, can I borrow your brain? Mine is sorely lacking.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ms Shrinky,
It has come to my attention that you are generating falsehoods about my stay at your establishment. Be advised that, should you continue, and in particular publicly address a particular night of which we both are well aware, and the events thereto, my attorneys will be in touch. Consider this your only warning.
Sincerely,
S. K.

mythopolis said...

Dear Mr. King, I am a long time admirer of your perverse ways. Ever since Christine. I knew hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but for a man to be so emasculated by a Plymouth Fury, was a stroke of perverse genius.
Now, about this hair brush you stole from Shrinky. What am I to make of this? Will you murder someone with it? Will you spank some bottom? Does it have a mind of its own? I am dying to know.

Sincerely, Anonymous fan

Ami said...

You keep some pretty exalted company.

Will you still have time for old friends when you're rich and famous instead of simply notorious?

Leslie: said...

I wonder if he'll bury you out by the faerie throne...I promise I'll come by and visit.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

tell mr. king, I'm looking forward to them making a full length movie out of the Stand.

Grayquill said...

You are too weird. I am pretty sure you and Mr. King are two peas in a pod. You did have me laughing out loud but that scared the cat and his tail went straight up. Do you think the evil spirts are coming through the screen and freaking out my cat? Cats do see things us human cannot you know.
I will be waiting for you next post but that cat will be sent out side before I read it.

Dave said...

Shrinky, your imagination knows no bounds! - Dave

Shrinky said...

Hi Tabor, ah yes, he does give lots of words per penny, doesn't he? I've read all he's written, it's not so much the plots than about the characters he creates, for me. They are so alive they simply jump off the page - it's a talent I so envy!

Shrinky said...

Give 'em an inch, and they take a mile, Secret Agent..

Shrinky said...

Awwwwwww Ms A, you surely know how to make a girlies week, thank you soooo much for that, it means a lot to know some actually enjoy reading these weird ramblings of mine, it puts all the fun into blogging! (Hugs)

Shrinky said...

Dear S.K.,

Bring it on, mate! I take it your poncey Lawyers are fully aware of the rather compromising photographic evidence I hold in the vaults of Lloyds? Losing your specs is a feeble excuse for mistaking the hound for my eldest daughter, and besides, considering the rerehensible acts recorded, it only proves a doubly-damning indicment if we consider your claimed original intentions towards what was then still a minor..

Shrinky said...

Dan, what a traitor you are! Stop sucking up to that guy, this instant - I suspect he used the said brush to steal my strands of hair (they are clearly wrapped around Charlie's neck in the above photo).. to effect his dasterdly curse on me.

Shrinky said...

You kidding Ami? If ever I'm rich and famous, I'm outta' here (wink)!

Shrinky said...

Gee Leslie, you're all heart!

Shrinky said...

Um, Jackiesue, hasn't that already been done..? Sorry.

Shrinky said...

Hi GQ, oh, your poor little Moggy, please give her a cuddle from me, and tell her it's not my fault if her owner is scary (evil grin)..

Shrinky said...

Hey there Dave, 'tis amazing the workings of a bored mind, eh?

MarkD60 said...

I'm callin the cops

Shrinky said...

At last, Mark, someone who takes me seriously..!

~Babs said...

Love it again.
One of my all time favorite authors, as you might remember.
Just watch your back Shrinkygirl, I'm hearing he's becoming quite weird in his advancing years.
Don't forget what happened to Delores Claiborne,,,

Shrinky said...

Yikes Babs, maybe you have a good point there.. eeeeeeeeeeeek!!! (Baracading myself under the table..)

altadenahiker said...

I think you could make a small fortune selling those dolls. I'd be first in line.

foam said...

S.K.,
you left out arthritis, chocolate cravings (hide all the chocolate though) ... i'm sure i can come up with some more ...

Shrinky,
you might want to make your own dollie .. :-)

Shrinky said...

Aw foam, I gave that one to Chewy, my eldest ran off with a couple more (they are very benign voodoo-dolls, you can never inflict anything seriously bad with them). Chocolate cravings.. ha, I like it!

Sadly, my embroidery machine gave up the ghost several years back, the foot fell off (maybe someone cursed it?)and I can make these dolls no more..

foam said...

That's too bad because they are wonderful, funny little dollies :-)

Shrinky said...

Aw cheers Foam, if ever I get a new machine, I promise to make a customised one 'specially for you (grin) - chocolate cravings, n'all!

mythopolis said...

Well, I don't mean to be traitorous, but really...a homicidal hair brush on the loose? Perfect material for Stephen. Close Brush With Death would make a nice title.... : )

Shrinky said...

Aww, s'alright Dan, I know you're on my side really (grin)..

missing moments said...

That was fun and great writing!

Shrinky said...

Why thank you, Reena.

Mr. Nighttime said...

I secretly wish that I could use one of those for my customers that give me grief...It would provide a lot of pleasure, MWAHAHAHA!!!

Shrinky said...

Ah Mr. Nighttime, I am sure you are far from alone (grin)!

mrsnesbitt said...

Time to carve out me turnip!

lisleman said...

Stephen King in your shed - that's scary.
And your story even gets better in the comments. "...mistaking the hound for my eldest daughter."
That poor howling hound was not howling at the moon after all.

Life, Laughter and Paris said...

Once again, fantastic post :). Always love reading your blog!

Middle Child said...

Maybe he has an End in sight for you...keep your eyes open

Shrinky said...

Yeah Denise, soon be Hoptunai again, eh?

Shrinky said...

I know Lisleman, that was the final straw, I'm tellin' ya!

Shrinky said...

hey LLP, how lovely to see you again, how are you, my friend?

Shrinky said...

Yikes Therese, I'm developing a nervous twitch here..!

Rock Chef said...

Don't worry, nothing to get excited about - he is you BIGGEST FAN...

Shrinky said...

RC, arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (packing my case to run for the hills)..!

Suldog said...

Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I do. Funny women (and you are one of those) turn me on!

(Don't tell MY WIFE!)

Stickup Artist said...

I somehow think, once you recover, Mr. King will be no match for you! I will be on the lookout for your hairbrush in his next "hair-raising novel." Where you writers come up with these ideas is a mystery in itself!

PS: The road in question is located at the base of the Cajon Pass, a natural break between the San Gabriel and San Bernardino Mts. It is the one route in (and out) of San Bernardino County from the Mojave Desert and all points east. It has been traveled for at least 10,000 years; first by Native Americans, then the Spanish, the Mexicans, then the Mormons escaping persecution, and finally the European settlers looking for gold. This arm of road off the pass stops after 10 miles, running into the Cucamonga Wilderness and is designated as part of the San Bernardino National Forest. It's an excellent place to camp, hike, cool off in summers, and find fall colors. It even snows back there. All right around the corner from where I live. It's a great escape from civilization!

Shrinky said...

I'm tellin', I'm tellin' (running off and hugging myself)..!

Shrinky said...

Hey Stick-up, shhhhhhhhh, pipe down, I'm trying to lull him into a false sense of security here.

Oh my, what an amazing place to have on your doorstep, just imagine the feet that have trodden there before you.. it's kind of humbling, isn't it?

Akelamalu said...

He's not as good as you Shrinky. ;)

Skunkfeathers said...

You let Stephen King near your lawn mower???

*Ominous organ music*

Shrinky said...

Aw Ake, I always knew I could count on you (hugs)!

Shrinky said...

What can I say, Skunk? Innocent and naieve is me.. (shrug)

TechnoBabe said...

Oh you funny gal. I like each of your posts and look forward to when you do post. You leave us wanting more, so you must be on the right timing, else we would just take you for granted if you posted really often.

Shrinky said...

Ach TechnoBabe, it's hard to find time to fit in new posts, inbetween writing my kids English assignments for them.. (cringe)!

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Ahahahaha! So, the three parter I have yet to read is the 500 page blog post, I take it? A horror story, no less?

Hmm. I'm not much for horror stories, but I'll give it a go. Don't be surprised if you hear blood curdling screams of terror from the East Midlands!

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Ahahahaha! So, the three parter I have yet to read is the 500 page blog post, I take it? A horror story, no less?

Hmm. I'm not much for horror stories, but I'll give it a go. Don't be surprised if you hear blood curdling screams of terror from the East Midlands!