Tuesday, May 8, 2012
What The Fly On The Wall Heard
Some things I've been caught saying:-
To Matt, aged 3: "Nope, Goldie-fish isn't "resting" on the conservatory roof, he's dead. Say sorry."
To Abby, aged 5: "And you cut your fringe off, because.?"
To Sweet Sam (for years): "You don't sniff and lick strangers in the supermarket aisle, nor do you creep up behind them to ping their tights. Would you like it? Oh. Well, they don't, okay?"
To Beccy, almost twelve: "Well, you shouldn't have told everyone, should you? For the last time I am NOT hiring a stretch limo, nor are we throwing a cocktail party for your birthday. Live with it."
To Abby, aged seven: "Of course I like Mary's mum, whatever makes you ask? Aw, daddy's only joking, I never really said that."
To Beccy, aged three (after splattering the unfortunate guy behind): "S'alright, sweetie, we'll get you some travel sickness pills as soon as the coach stops, just try to aim more for the bag next time."
To Abby, aged 15: "Have you been drinking? Let me smell your breath. Mmnn, minty.. polo mints, again? Isn't it funny how they always make your eyes so glazed?"
To Matt, aged 14: "Will you kindly stop bench-pressing the dog? Ha, knew he'd throw up.."
To Beccy, aged 9: "If you must run away from home, at least have the decency to run farther than just to the shed."
To Sweet Sam (up until around ten or eleven): "Why do you always have to shout so loud? Yes, I know you're only being friendly. Thing is, every man you wave "hi" to passing a building site is not called daddy, okay?"
To Abby, aged 15: "Because I said so. I don't care if the whole world and their Uncle has one, you are NOT getting a skull and crossbones tattooed across your bum."
To Matt, aged 16: Apologize to your sister, NOW! I don't care that she snapped your guitar string, you do not dangle anyone by their ankles, three flights up, outside of a window."
To Beccy, aged eight: "How many times do I have to tell you? You are not adopted. Yes, FINE, I'll go and fetch your birth certificate."
To Beccy (on the eve of her prom): "No, of course I'm not laughing, it'll wash out. Ah, it's a permanent dye then, is it?"
To Matt (every time he's home, about to go out): "No, I don't have any spare change."
To all four, eternally: "Can you PLEASE at least try using the lavatory brush, after you?"
Not forgetting those all time classics of, "Don't you DARE slam that door..", "What did your last slave die of?", "The subject is closed.", and naturally, the eternally useful, "Why don't you try asking your dad?" cop-out.
Horrible thing is, I also often catch myself quoting some of the stuff my parents used to say to me as a kid, too, and usually it's all those things I swore I'd never, ever say to my own lot, if and when I had them.
Funny how parenthood alters perspective.
I still hold firmly to the belief every child should come into this world clutching their own lie-detector. Yeah, I know I've posted about this before, but just think of all the fruitless banter it would save:-
Me: Are these your dirty knickers I found lying in my bathroom?
Beccy: Nah, they're Abby's.
So much easier to just cut to the chase. Hook 'em up and zap 'em, that's what I say. Can you imagine?
"Were you really late home because aliens abducted you?"
"Was it you who told your brother's girlfriend he has herpes?"
"Who wrecked the kitchen again?"
"Do you have any other websites I should know about?"
"Who scoffed all the biscuits?"
"What happened to my favorite vase?"
"What's the real story behind this detention?"
"Is it true that dirty mag was planted under your mattress without your prior knowledge and consent?"
"Did you tell your sister she was abandoned at birth as a crack-baby?"
Oh, the possibilities are endless. In fact, the more I think about it, I think perhaps the government should step up here, provide one free of charge per household. Now that's what I call supporting responsible parenting, eh?
We might even bring out an alternative version, one that delivers a wee, small electrical charge for when the needle strays over to deceptive (okay, only for persistent offenders, let's not be entirely heartless).
Hey, I wonder if I can buy these things on-line?
Charging out of the blog with a fresh spring to my step..