Tuesday, May 8, 2012

What The Fly On The Wall Heard

Laxey Beach

Some things I've been caught saying:-

To Matt, aged 3:  "Nope, Goldie-fish isn't "resting" on the conservatory roof, he's dead.  Say sorry."

To Abby, aged 5:  "And you cut your fringe off, because.?"

To Sweet Sam (for years):  "You don't sniff and lick strangers in the supermarket aisle, nor do you creep up behind them to ping their tights.  Would you like it?  Oh.  Well, they don't, okay?"

To Beccy, almost twelve:  "Well, you shouldn't have told everyone, should you? For the last time I am NOT hiring a stretch limo, nor are we throwing a cocktail party for your birthday.  Live with it."

To Abby, aged seven:  "Of course I like Mary's mum, whatever makes you ask? Aw, daddy's only joking, I never really said that."

To Beccy, aged three (after splattering the unfortunate guy behind):  "S'alright, sweetie, we'll get you some travel sickness pills as soon as the coach stops, just try to aim more for the bag next time."

To Abby, aged 15:  "Have you been drinking? Let me smell your breath. Mmnn, minty.. polo mints, again? Isn't it funny how they always make your eyes so glazed?"

To Matt, aged 14:  "Will you kindly stop bench-pressing the dog? Ha, knew he'd throw up.."

To Beccy, aged 9:  "If you must run away from home, at least have the decency to run farther than just to the shed."

To Sweet Sam (up until around ten or eleven): "Why do you always have to shout so loud? Yes, I know you're only being friendly. Thing is, every man you wave "hi" to passing a building site is not called daddy, okay?"

To Abby, aged 15:  "Because I said so.  I don't care if the whole world and their Uncle has one, you are NOT getting a skull and crossbones tattooed across your bum."

To Matt, aged 16:  Apologize to your sister, NOW!  I don't care that she snapped your guitar string, you do not dangle anyone by their ankles, three flights up, outside of a window."

To Beccy, aged eight:  "How many times do I have to tell you? You are not adopted. Yes, FINE, I'll go and fetch your birth certificate."

To Beccy (on the eve of her prom):  "No, of course I'm not laughing, it'll wash out.  Ah, it's a permanent dye then, is it?"

To Matt (every time he's home, about to go out):  "No, I don't have any spare change."

To all four, eternally:  "Can you PLEASE at least try using the lavatory brush, after you?"

Not forgetting those all time classics of, "Don't you DARE slam that door..", "What did your last slave die of?", "The subject is closed.",  and naturally, the eternally useful, "Why don't you try asking your dad?" cop-out.

Horrible thing is, I also often catch myself quoting some of the stuff my parents used to say to me as a kid, too, and usually it's all those things I swore I'd never, ever say to my own lot, if and when I had them.

Funny how parenthood alters perspective.

I still hold firmly to the belief every child should come into this world clutching their own lie-detector.  Yeah, I know I've posted about this before, but just think of all the fruitless banter it would save:-

Me:  Are these your dirty knickers I found lying in my bathroom?

Beccy:  Nah, they're Abby's.

Abby:  Liar!

So much easier to just cut to the chase.  Hook 'em up and zap 'em, that's what I say.  Can you imagine?

"Were you really late home because aliens abducted you?"

"Was it you who told your brother's girlfriend he has herpes?"

"Who wrecked the kitchen again?"

"Do you have any other websites I should know about?"

"Who scoffed all the biscuits?"

"What happened to my favorite vase?"

"What's the real story behind this detention?"

"Is it true that dirty mag was planted under your mattress without your prior knowledge and consent?"

"Did you tell your sister she was abandoned at birth as a crack-baby?"

Oh, the possibilities are endless.  In fact, the more I think about it, I think perhaps the government should step up here, provide one free of charge per household.  Now that's what I call supporting responsible parenting, eh?

We might even bring out an alternative version, one that delivers a wee, small electrical charge for when the needle strays over to deceptive (okay, only for persistent offenders, let's not be entirely heartless).

Hey, I wonder if I can buy these things on-line?

Charging out of the blog with a fresh spring to my step.. 


Chantel said...

Lol! Ah yes, the sweet joys of parenthood. When I was seven, I think, I told my mother I was running away. She responded, "Hang on honey, I'll pack you a lunch."

And last summer, to my Sawyer, age 12. "So the nine kids and angry mob of parents on the porch are here because you "accidently bumped" Elijah?"

Vince said...

Laid-up and watching telly, I've found Judge Judy has a few golden rules. First, never co-sign for anything E-V-E-R. Second, you know when a teenager if spinning yarns when the mouth is moving.

X. Dell said...

(1) You don't really need a lie detector for most of those questions, do you?

(2) The beauty is that one day, your grandchildren will hear every last one of these, but with the names changed.

(3) I recall reading a lot about Becky and Sam here. It's kinda fun to read something about Matt and Abby too.

Kittie Howard said...

Hilarious! Since I'm the oldest of five, I could relate to some (not that I'd squeal). Once, when I threatened to run away, my mom said, "Don't let the door hit you i the arse on the way you." She was smiling, so I know she didn't mean it.

Bijoux said...

Oh, I love these! I think I've said some doozies over the years, most of them preceeded by, "What the hell......"

Joanne said...

I wonder how many generations back these go. There must be umpteen greats of grandparents smiling in heaven and saying: couldn't wait for them to be parents themselves!

Skunkfeathers said...

I've forgotten most of my gems over the years. I might borrow some of yours ;-)

Ms. A said...

Do the kids get to use those lie detectors on the parents? Hmmmm, I don't know about that.

Bone said...

"Of course I like Mary's mum, whatever makes you ask? Aw, daddy's only joking, I never really said that."

Those were all good, but that's the the made me cackle out loud.

I remember my Mom saying "Why don't you go outside and play in the road for awhile" anytime I was particularly getting on her nerves. Such a kidder, she was.....

Wait, she was kidding, wasn't she?

Craig said...

Bench-pressing the dog. . . pure karma, right there. . .

And I suppose I shouldn't show Abby my bum. . . Wait, that doesn't sound right. . .

Ain't it amazing how, once we've got kids of our own, we start channeling our parents? And I never cease to be amazed by some of the things my teenagers tell me with a straight face, expecting me to believe them. . .

bill lisleman said...

My kids probably would need to remind me of my verbal rants. Of course I would deny them. This has been going forever I believe. "Do you expect me to believe a snake told you to eat that apple!"
My brother told me recently how he managed to get back at our dad who would rant about how phone calls never need to be longer than 3 minutes. One day after my brother had kids my dad called him and started talking. My brother started timing. At the 3 minute mark he hung up the phone. It was a mid-sentence point for our dad. Dad quickly dialed back. Why did you hang up on me? My brother told him, "You were over your 3 minutes."

Rock Chef said...

From reading that I can see that my kids are very well behaved/unimaginative!

A great post, Shrinky! I don't think you can get lie detectors like that but there are electric dog collars...

Leslie: said...

OMG! You take me back...ah forget it! I'm outta there now and moved on. But seriously, you are hysterically funny and am SO looking forward to meeting you ALL. My Mom used to say "If everyone jumped off the Lions Gate Bridge, would you?" in answer to the all-time favourite line, "Everyone else can!"

See you soon! :D

Tabor said...

Someday there will be an APP for that. I wonder if we will be around?

mythopolis said...

Well this is such an endearing post, and there is something so universal about it, I think. We all begin as children and later most become parents and have children. And the same little silly predicaments keep cycling through from one generation to the next. As a boy, how many times I heard complaints from my parents as to how I tended to leave my smelly socks all about the house? How many times as a parent have I told my own children that same thing? I guess it's all about being a child and told to grow up, and being a parent and trying to get one's own children to grow up! My mother was fond of saying, "Close the door, were you born in a barn?!" Hugs!

Akelamalu said...

LOL Strange isn't it how as soon as you become a mother you turn into your mother. ;)

wishihadakarmaanghia said...

Hellloooo! Love this post! Only yesterday I found myself saying to the nice lady in the shop "yes, ANOTHER school jumper please oh ho ho yes I WAS only here last week buying jumpers, oooh ha ha yes I should just move in - he eats them you see... I think it's the gourmet acrylic/wool mix"!!
The joys!
Lots of love to you xxx

Dave said...

Ha ha, brilliant. Quite a bit more hard-case than we used for our kids, but I enjoyed them all Carol! - Dave

Mamma has spoken said...

Here's the thing: they'll remember all the things you said and will use it against you when they get older and have their own kids.
I speak from experience.

Kate said...

Positively brilliant, Shrinky! We've all used these tried-and-true parental sayings/threats. 'Stop crying or else I'm gonna give you something to cry about!' ALWAYS works. Thanks for the perceptive and funny post.

TexWisGirl said...

makes me grateful not to be a mom. :)

chewy said...

I don't want 'em, you can have them. Another brilliant post!

~Babs said...

Hahahahah,,,sounds so familiar,
what a post!
And I love hearing my daughter using some of my old lines on her kid!
(and they work about as well on him as they did on her)

One of my favorites from my own Mom:
"I'm gonna slap you into the middle of next week".
And my Dad: "don't make me have to pull over"

I checked on Ebay and they do have the home version lie detector test. Free shipping,,,,gift wrap optional.

I wanna hear about Mary's Mum!

Secret Agent Woman said...

No one can prepare you for the myriad of questions you find yourself asking once you have kids.

Joanna Jenkins said...

A 12th birthday cocktail party :-))))) Beccy is a hoot.

These are all so great. Since I have no kids of my own, I'm going to ask my mom what some of her favorite "lines" are.

xoxo jj

sage said...

My mom was always asking, "Would you do that if the preacher's daughters (who were my age) were watching?" Sometimes they were not only watching, they were participating.

Crack You Whip said...

Oh, these were all gems! I should tried to keep a journal of things my son said, but never thought I should journal what I said.

Very clever!

Deidre said...

So funny, I seem to have blocked out the ridiculous things I've said to my mother...probably for the best :)

s.m. said...

Good morning ! How are you ? , Is an excellent post ! I want to give you this day and upcoming weekend , bring a wealth of happiness and personal satisfaction!

X. Dell said...

Ah, a new layout.

Shammickite said...

I find myself saying things to my children that my mother said to me.

Me: Mum, where's my socks/cardigan/coat/schoolbag/whetever?

Mum: Round my neck. (Oh it made me so mad when she said that)

Me (eating dinner): OW that's hot!

Mum: It came from a hot place.

And the other day I heard my grandson saying: OW that's hot!

And my son, his dad, said: It came from a hot place!

and so it continues.....

Rose from Oz is Back! said...

So much truth and entertainment in one post shrinky!! :))) Loved it!

chewy said...

I see you're changing the curtains in here.

Choco said...

Amazing.... I am bookmarking this post. It may just come in handy.. No. No kids. But I could still use it on someone younger... :D Heheh

nancygrayce said...

Thank you for making me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants! That is priceless! I too, find myself hearing my mother's voice coming out of my mouth, saying things I said my children would never hear! We are our mothers and after all, now that I'm older, that's a good thing!

Hilary said...

Oh you're a hoot. The thing is that I totally believe every word of it. :)

Barbara said...

I wish I'd written all of my lines down. I got stuck on the same ones, too, and mine were also repeats of what my parents said!