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Sunday, November 23, 2008

A Little Bird almost Landed Up Inside My Pussy Last Week

I yelled the battle-cry, "Time to go!" and went to open the garage door. As the sports kits, book bags and hockey sticks flew in with the brood, I started the Tardis and prepared to reverse.

"Stop, stop!"

It's always Beccy who makes us late. "What have you forgotten, now?"

"No, look - !"

Oh for fucks sake. (It's okay, I only thought it.) No way am I missing the school coach chasing a daft bird around the garage. Anyways, last time I tried that, the idiot pea-brain only upped and died on me, keeled over, toes-up in fright so it did. Abby didn't talk to me for the best part of a week and I was even banned from the funeral. So, I'm thinking now, sod this for a game of soldiers.

I promised to free it up on my return, and floored the pedal to swing round the drive.

My pussy doesn't miss a trick, looks like I arrived back just in the nick of time. Yeah, I know, it's a crap shot, but cut me some slack here, I had a life to rescue.

Talking of which, eldest sprog, my Matt, is also a hero this week. I sent him out to fetch me a pint of milk from the local garage (yeah I know, most tend to sell petrol, but we're talking Craggy island here). The little toe-rag was gone ages, if it wasn't so cold, wet and dark outside I might have even gone off to look for him. When he did finally show, he was laughing his head off.

"I thought it was to the garage you went, not to milk the cow?"

"Sorry, I had to call an ambulance."

"Huh?"

This old Irish geezer was crawling out into the road, drunk as a skunk."

"How do know he was drunk? He might be diabetic."

I know these things, my sis is a diabetic. Not that she crawls into the road, you understand, well not that I'm aware of. (She lives over the mountain, I haven't a clue what she gets up to half the time.)

"He still had the unspilled can in his hand."

"Oh."

"I went over to see if he was okay, but he couldn't even stand. I asked him his name and he told me to bugger off. What? Well that's what he said!" Laughing, "I thought I'd best ring for some help and wait til it got here."

"Did you get him off the road?"

"I tried, but he went to lamp me one, so I just sat on the kerb and out of reach. You should have seen the swing he took at the medic, he missed and went flying again.."

My son, the hero. It was below freezing that night, if the drunken fool had fallen asleep it's doubtful he would have woken.

What a regular super-hero double act we are, him and me. (Thrusting me chest out, swelling with pride.)

30 comments:

CHEWY said...

"A Little Bird Almost Landed Up Inside My Pussy Last Week"

I thought butterflies in my stomach were bad.

I'm laughing so hard I can barely type. Never a dull moment, eh?

Fireblossom said...

The mind fairly reels at the possible responses one could put down....

Mushy said...

If you don't get a flurry of Google hits from this title, you never will!

Did you struggle with "landed" and "ended" before settling?

The Future Was Yesterday said...

"I thought butterflies in my stomach were bad."
I nearly always direct my comments to the author of the post. In this case, I couldn't let the astute comments of a reader pass. You yourself have a talented future in store as a headline writer.:)

"(Thrusting me chest out, swelling with pride.)"
Didn't you just get a portion of that thing chopped off?:)

Leslie: said...

Oh my GAWD! I was laughing after reading this, but now I'm cracking up and almost p**ing myself from that last comment from "The Future Was Yesterday."

Alex L said...

Awrh look at the little kitty, butter would melt in its mouth...

The old guy, was drunk, and Irish... surely just 'drunk' or 'Irish' would have told us the whole story... what me stereotyping, never!

SJ said...

That title... this post... those double entendres... this post rocks.

WILSONART said...

#:-O

#:-D

The comments are almost as good as the story!

Kit Courteney said...

"Oh for fucks sake. (It's okay, I only thought it.)"

Beautiful!

BRUNO said...

It's all in the presentation, ain't it?(And a wandering MIND doesn't hurt, either...!)

Akelamalu said...

I love that quaint turn of phrase

"Oh for Fucks sake!"

it says it all! LOL

Well done to your son - man of the moment! :)

jay said...

Hahahahaha!!! Hilarious!!

Poor old guy. Seems like he didn't want to be rescued from certain death - well done your son, anyway! And you, too, rescuing the little birdie. ;)

Google hits? Prepare for the deluge!

Maalie said...

Did you work out how the female Chaffinch got into your garage in the first place?

*Goddess* said...

Yeah, I wonder how many dirty minded people you lured in with that headline? *raises hand* Count me in:)

Scott from Oregon said...

The way I hears it, missy, no need to thrust the chest out at'all...

Glad the drunk got warm and the pussy got exercise...

Such a two-fer...

pat houseworth said...

Like Mushy said...just the title should get you all kind of perv...er, all kind of outdoor nature loving visitors.

;)

Hilary said...

Next post: A list of key search words that brought traffic to this one. ;)

Good for your son for taking the time to do the right thing.

Rachelle said...

I beg your pardon Alex L I'll have you know...
wait a minute, I'm Irish, and I'm a drunk... guess I'll shut my trap now... :))

Seriously Shrink, if the actual title and post didn't push me over into hysterics, the comment section certainly has!
you got some fine commodians here.
Slainte~
Rachelle

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Chewy, what (arms open wide, innocent eyed)??

Fireblossom, stoppit!

Mushy, I haven't a clue as to what you are talking about, for sure. Smile.

Aw Dan, that Chewy there, she fancies herself as quite the commediane, so she does.. (wink)

Leslie, you really shouldn't encourage him, y'know..

Shame on you Alex, I'm gonna' tell Rachelle on you, just see if I don't!

Awww sj, you sure know how to put a smile on a girlies face - thank you my friend.

Wilsonart, I know, such a regular bunch of clowns in here, it's hard to get a word in sometimes (grin).

Kit, you can just about get away with anything so long as it's left in your head (wink)

Bruno, don't point at me - YOU'RE the one reading any double meanings up there.. Sheesh!

Akelamalu, yeah good old Matt, I am truly proud of him hon. Smile.

Jay, okay I'm a wee bit dense here, I don't really understand google hits, what they imply. Hope it's not anything bad? Eeeek!

Oh maalie, I love you, thak you for that hon, I was wondering what little birdie she was. Did I tell you I once found a Sparrowhawk in there too, last year? The cat wisely didn't try any messing with him though, she nows her limitations..

Goddess, behave yourself, it t'was a mere slip of the tongue, is all. (Shaking my head..)

Scott, yeah things certainly looked up, in more ways than one. (Wink)

Now, now Pat, that's no way to go and be talking about all these fine and upstanding friends of ours.. (they know how to track us, you know).

Hilary, stop putting ideas into my head.. And yeah, well done the lad, huh? Smile.

I told him Rachelle, so I did, don't you worry me dear (ducking my head)! I'm so blessed surrounded by such wits in here, aren't I? (Heartfelt sigh)

Jules~ said...

Heroes all in the family. Your kitty cat must have been frustrated to foil the plan. Do you suppose the bird knew what was going on sitting up there so pristine?
That was really kind and wise of your son too. Many would have walked away in frustration.

Maalie said...

Oh, I think a sparrowhawk would have made a right mess of your pussy with its fierce beak and talons.

Ak-Man said...

Been a while... a little more than a while actually.

Glad to see you're still at it.

CrazyCath said...

Like so many before me... I was just cracking up on the post, then I read your comments section.

You know how to lift a mood donchya?

Helena said...

Ahhh poor wee birdie. Glad you saved him. I had to clear up the remains of a dove today after the sparrowhawk had been round again :( somehow if they are going to be nabbed I'd rather it were a hawk than a cat, but still, I do feel a little protective over the birds in my garden as they are 'mine' (lol). Clearing up afterwards isn't a nice job. SPecially when you have had a 24hr tummy-tantrums-bug of a type that makes you sooooooooo glad to have a downstairs loo. I'll say no more.

Except, nip over and see this great video I've found.

H

david mcmahon said...

Nice work, hawk-eye!

CJ said...

OMG, this post was the highlight of my evening. Glad both the cat and the drunk ended up safe.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Jules, Matt has taken great pleasure to read in the local paper he was fined for being "Drunk and Disorderly" (he's not all heart. Grin.

Oh maalie, perish the thought (wince)!

Hey the Ak - woo-hoo - so great to see you in here hon (big wrap around welcome back hug)!

Ah cath, this is what I love about our little band of bloggers, they always lift the mood, don't they? Smile.

Ooh, David, such an honour love, thank you for Post of the Day - made my toes curl so it did! x

I know, it's awful to see a mass of feather and bone, isn't it? I am coming right over hon, I have been shamelessly neglecting my visits to everyone, I never seem to fit enough hours in the day right now..

cj, stop dis-illusioning me here, I KNOW you have far more exciting highlights to your day, so there!

Jay said...

Google hits? A Google hit is a visit from someone who lands up on your blog only because it came up in the results from a search they did on Google.

For instance, some perv might type 'inside my pussy' hoping to find some explicit photos and end up bemusedly reading your tale of cat vs small bird.

Serves 'em right. LOL!

*Goddess* said...

Uh huh, a "mere slip" or a Freudian slip? LOL!

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